As everybody knows, this country has been going to hell in a handbasket for about the last 221 years. Still, we also know it's the greatest country in the world. How does the United States pull off this paradoxical feat?

Easy: It's not that we're so good. It's that everybody else is so bad.

simpleton proudly presents its first edition of Xeno's Paradise, a probing examination, through information real and rumored, into the relentless and hazardous freakshow that is the rest of the world. No longer do you need to travel, or even read the international news, to know why you're better off staying put.

Today's spotlight is on Africa, where mortal terror is as plentiful as khat, and the moveable feast is often you. Whether it's machete-wielding Hutus or the innard-liquefying ebola virus, the hazards of the Dark Continent are enough to keep any sensible person firmly anchored to the couch. We'll look at a handful of Africa's most eye-popping viruses, parasites and pandemics, rated according to fear quotient and probable accuracy. Let's jump right in with