September 23: The Road to Damascus

I immediately jumped to your site, bookmarked the area, and spit coffee through my nose. Three out of three ain't bad. Sincerely, Anon. * *Not his real name.

Dear Anon, "I immediately spit coffee through my nose... I immediately spit coffee through my nose..." With an ad campaign like that, we can't lose! tim

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September 26: simpleton 1932

Subject: WHO ARE YOU? Dear Fatty, I know I shoud know you you know? Please send some info on yourself. Thanks. K. Scott Lafferty laffco@aol.com

Dear K. Scott, Each matin as the cocque his rough aubade doth rudely cry, I simpleton rise from peaceful slumbers upon my bed of downyflake. And yet my mistress, in whose joly arms I passed such blissful eventide, is fled abroad. The simpleton power breakfast - Atomic Fireballs in green jello. He eats, he scarfs, carbing up like there's no tomorrow - even the way he eats breakfast is intimidating. If simpleton's opponents could see him at his morning meal, more than a few would throw in the towel then and there. As thrift and hard work were the bedrock on which my Kentucky forebears built a sturdy community, cutting through the widerness with a gun in one hand, an axe in the other, and a bible in the other, so do I bring to my toils devotion to justice, faith in equanimity among men, and modest humility before God. Lunch is brought to me on a set of Dresden china. Succulent cornish game hen with cayenne and roasted bell peppers served on a bed of romaine is more than even the most jaded foodie could resist, and desert is nothing short of decadent - tiramisu slathered in syrup, served with your choice of American coffee or espresso. As for afternoon work, indulgence is one temptation I've never been shy about indulging! Let others struggle for the glory of God, family and crown! I've never had too much pleasure, but I refuse to give up trying! Our long commute rings with pomp and circumstance, as we ride home upon a mahogany chaise borne aloft by dwarfmen. Cheering throngs doff their hats and line the streets to catch a glimpse of their sovereign. Are they disappointed at the regal apparition? They are not, as we are clad in naught but an emerald mitre and velveteen loincloth, that our subjects may better admire the finely honed royal physique. It is said that, while his table is piled high with bratwurst and schnitzels, simpleton himself abstains from even a single bite of red meat or sip of beer, instead gorging on strudels and napoleans as he harangues his field marshalls into the brittle hours of the morning. In their more candid moments, the generals whisper that the Eastern theater has become untenable. For a long time, I used to go to bed early. Exhausted from my quotidian devoirs, I am whisked upon wings of angels to that fog-enshrouded Avalon of sleep. That's my day. More information may be available elsewhere, but take inspiration from the knowledge that even I, a sharecropper's son, can share in the bounty that the almighty has endowed unto our nation in such abundance. simpleton

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September 29: The Horror!

Subject:the horror I found "The Horror" to be one of the most brilliantly written, rollercoaster rides of, yes, horror, in most recent years! I was morbidly curious with each recurring click into the next forbidden & disgusting tale of woe. Never before has a writer of our times conveyed the hopelessness and despair of the afflicted as in these tales. I cringe, and yet I wish to peruse the pages again! Bravo! Erica E. Marcroft erica@www19.allapartments.com

Dear Erica, "The hopelessness and despair of the afflicted" is good, but I'm still partial to "I immediately spit coffee through my nose." yr pal, tim

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September 30: The Whole Disgusting Scramble

Subject: My country, may she always be... whatever Part of the problem is that within the context of Islam there truly are some societies that actually predate the Prophet: Persia is ancient, and Egypt is older yet. Northern Africa in many ways is more Classic than Middle Eastern. Attempts at pan-Arabic societies have bogged down because of attempts to include, or not include, non-Arabic Islamic societies and societies whose sense of self isn't particularly "arabic" at all. And the legitimately Arab societies also have stress points: eastern Med countries, strongly influenced throughout Classical times, have little in common with the desert societies of Arabia. This leaves, as a coherent grouping, pretty much the states you name: Syria, Jordan, Iraq, non-Israeli Palestine. But what they have in common is a lack of popularly accepted history. Of course this is where history started; Iraq in particular had an incredible past. But there is no consistent line from there to here; none of these countries really is a country at all. Few of the peoples have roots deep in their countries' pasts. Lacking a true history accepted by their peoples, these countries have fallen back on pan-Arabism, which also founders. So your concept is impeccably logical; unfortunately, a country and a society require more than logic to hold themselves together. Very nice thinking though. I'm printing out a copy to share with some Middle Eastern scholars I hang out with. Alan Kornheiser ASKORNHEISER@prodigy.net

Dear Alan, Maybe I should have prefaced my article with the warning that the Levantine superstate will come about the day after we all start shitting money. Still, a good idea shouldn't be ignored - since bad ideas never are. yr pal, tim

Send your own mail to simpleton. A special note to our readers: Get next year's Clio award winner this year! simpleton promotional graphics, now available in both black and white, at no additional cost to you: Previously in simpleton: Tuesday: All New Crown of Thorns: It's hard to find good persecution these days. Monday: Hooray for Hollywood, Part 1: Who says movies are getting worse? Friday: Sesame Street Tabloid: Muppets go noir Thursday: Welcome to my homepage: Automatic poetry from uninspired webmasters Wednesday: Lobotomy's back: And not a minute too soon! Tuesday: The Whole Disgusting Scramble: When is a country not a country? A century of simpletons in the simpleton archive. Tomorrow: More Efficient Jokes!