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The American Typographical Society has announced its
new policy
regarding printed representations of profanity. From now on, all
printed offensive language will use the "ampersand-asterisk-pound sign"
system familiar
to readers of daily comic strips.
In announcing the change, ATS president Dick Lipschitz added that
profanity will henceforward
be referred to universally not as "cussing" or "swearing," but as
"sailor talk."
Demonstrating the new system, Lipschitz specified, for example, that the
barnyard epithet
"&#$%@^%@" is now written "&#$%@^%@." The new spelling rules have proven
especially
useful in helping to distinguish shades of meaning in the same term. The
slang term
for copulation "&*%$" can now be represented as "&*%$" when used in its
original sense,
but as "@*%$" when used as a simple expletive (e.g., "Oh @*%$!") or
"*&%@" when used to
mean "broken or unusual (i.e., "*&%@ed up.).
Writers will have the option of using the new system for terms whose
offensiveness
is considered questionable or arcane. Thus the word, "keester" can now
be written
with its original or many variant spellings ("keister", "kiester,"
etc.), or with its new
spelling ")!!@$*&."
By the same measure, the title of this column will henceforward be known
as "#&*%s &
Mumbles."
Moreover, since the "A-A-P" system has traditionally been used to
represent
cartoon characters muttering sailor talk under their breath, the
word "mumbles" is now
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written "%$#&!@#." The issue of the ampersand's having to pull double
duty in both its
original function and as part of the new orthographic system was solved
by making "*$"
the new abbreviation for "and," thus freeing up the ampersand for use in
terms ranging
from "%&*$!@#*%$#&" to "%&**^(#@."
The ATS has also solved the problem of "@", which has no official name
and is universally
referred to as "the At sign." "@" will henceforward be written "%$&."
Electronic-mail protocols
will remain the same, but persons stating "E"-mail addresses aloud will
be obliged
to use the new spelling (e.g., "My address is "osiris %$&
papyrus.com.").
A note to our readers: Beginning next week, this column will be
called "#&*%s *$
%$#&!@#s." Please make a note of it.
Lipschitz conceded that his own name gives rise to vaguely
sailor-talkish
intonations, and thus will now be spelled "*&^% (!@#$%*&^". Surnames
subject to
similar misinterpretations, such as "Peckman" and "Weiner," have also
been changed (to
"^%@*^@!" and "$&*%@!"), while the Chinese surname "Wang" has been
eliminated.
Extending the new typographic system to the growing and confounding
field of jargon, the ATS has
furthermore decided to replace terms such as "hermeneutics" (doubly
vexed as a word
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that nobody
understands
and one that sounds vaguely obscene),
with more acceptable cognates like
"!@#$%*&^(@."
"There is an entire field of jargon out there that is considered nearly
as offensive as
profanity," (!@#$%*&^ continued. "Even the word &*^%$@ itself is barely
understandable."
Moreover, needless conjunctions such as "moreover" have also been
replaced with the more
acceptable %$#@%!@%.
In !%@&#$*^(*&ing the new system, (!@#$%*&^ went on to &@*#&%^!# several
points that have
(*&$^%#*@#$~ed readers and writers alike. "*#(@%&*@ is only a problem
&#*$@&!^ as it
confuses ~!!*&#^%s and %&#*(!@^%~ people whose *&^)(#)@ are more
(&*$%*#^!~. Thus we've
also decided to replace *&%^#!!@~ with a new system of *&@%$&@~~.
&%$*(@), really.
&$(#!((~, (!@#$%*&^ &$#@, the (&@(&^$!~ &#*$ also )$*#)#@, while
$&#(#(@^~ and )*$&#@^!
than *&$#^@!~~. For )*%$87$#, (&$@^^^^@!#, ()$&&@&!^^ if (*$7@^!.
($#((%^ $&%*@!! (&*$&(#*! &&$#(*#!^ ~^@@^$(#* ^)^)^$*#@# @&##*%#*
@@^!~#.
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