![[simpleton]](img/medievalsimp.gif)
Preparing for domesday
October 24, 997
New ones Monday through Friday
The Year 1000 Problem
simpleton faces the apocalypse
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Most elders are only now discovering the need to update
calendars
and astrolabes in foredooming of the coming year 1000. Without a concerted effort
to upgrade from the current "three-digit" to the hypothetical "four-digit" system of
measuring the tenmonth, the coming
rapture of both righteous and vile may bring with it an interruption
of the cycle of wars, councils, ploughing and praying which has endured
since the creation.
That was the message of Ratgar the Wise, whose society, De Rerum
Millenibus,
provides admonishment to idling lakkewittes in preparation for the day
of
doom which the Almighty spares no man. Speaking before the council fires
of Ethelmer the Bold, who slew by his hand the foul giant Morvold,
Ratgar also
stressed the importance of updating to the new 215-day calendar, lest
the
harvest season again fall when the earth is but hoarfrost.
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![[make me to walk in the ways of righteousness]](img/priest.gif)
Idle not in preparation
for thy doom
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![[for the
knyghte and his squyre, the millenium does not wait]](img/chaucer.gif)
For the knyghte
as for his squire
the age tarries not.
Ratgar pointed out to a rapt council that they must stress to
foole and ploughman alike the importance of a thorough realignment of
stargazing hardware. Unless folk wroghte al hir peynes to upgrade
systems, astrolabes will point in grete folye to Venus when Jove is in
the house of the Twinnes.
This disconnect will inevitably lead to an outage in most modern
conveniences, from the double-edged scythe to the puissant talismans
against affection of planet, which have in the past three centuries
extended the average lifespan to 28.
Therefor, Everyman, dawdle not in making ready for that hour, now little
days hence, when the land shall be smote, and Lucifer set free to walk
upon
the earth for some time.
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![[affections of planete]](img/orbits.gif)
The sometimes contrariwise
motion of the planets
is baffling.
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Whoreson the Incontinent has set an example for readiness, said
Ratgar, whose flaxen hair shines as the Northern Lights. Said the consultant, he of
the rambunctious bowels has prepared his soul for the reckoning with a pilgrimage to
far Palestine, where the circumcis'd Turque holds sway. Getting more bang for his buck,
Whoreson instituted an aggressive plan of penitence by engirdling his loins in a codpiece
of harshest goatswool, and indeed leaving his privates so confined until they were infected
with cankers.
More budget-conscious managers may prefer to cope by only upgrading crucial applications
such as tallow and sundials. But a congress of philosophes estimates coordinating even
this small effort may cost as much as a bucket of lard per serf.
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For nobles who groan at the prospect of another upgrade, Nonus Dentatus has formed
a new company, yclept Interim Dayslayer, providing low-cost solutions to middle nobility.
"Job one for us is spreading the message," says Nonus. "I have clients tell me all the
time 'With the Heathens coming from Asia Minor and the man-eating ogres of Kiev, who stand
6 yards in height, why should I worry about numbers?' This is idle hasardrye, I always
tell them,
but all is known to Heaven."
"The good news is that if we start now and coordinate our efforts, the conversion can
be gradual instead of hastif. As the capricious track of the planetes governs us all,
so we must be swifte in our attunement to them."
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![[tracking he voyage of the planets through the fixt firmament requires constant upgrading]](img/astrolabe.gif)
Tracking he voyage of the planets
through the fixt firmament
requires constant upgrading.
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![[be ever pious, and count this world as a shell]](img/bishop.gif)
Be ever pious,
and count
the fleshly world as hell.
Nonus reinforces his method with a shortlist of steps to take in preparation for
the upheaval:
Bleeding: Care of the corpus is always essential, and according to the lost text of
phisik of Galen, health is best maintained by a regular relief of of the malum
sanguineous through gashes, preferably in the head.
Calkulynge: Scolers of mathematik agree that the best prepared organizations will be
those who have learned to square the circle by writen cyphres in a book.
Conversion of Jews: These children of darkness infect all our villages, preaching
against the Savior and using blood of innocent Christians in the preparing of their
flatbreads. We must stere them from their wickedness through the book and the
sword.
Soothing of swevens: All is revealed through fancyes that come to us in the night,
and proper knowynge of reveries is essential to the passage of the age.
Pious humility before God: Don't get too caught up by the year 1000 bug. Remember that
the new epoch will bring armageddon, punishment for the unrighteous, and for the holy
ascension to the ninth sphere. The timely bug is but a trifle by comparison.
And so, traveler for a short time upon this mortal strand, commit thy soul to folwe in the path of our Savior
Jesus Chryste, Amen.
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![[customer service line]](img/meaculpa.gif)