![[simpleton]](img/dearsimp.gif)
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October 29, 1997
New ones Monday through Friday
Reader mail: Volume
4
Nothing but bad news
![[blast!]](img/smallbomb.gif)
October 6: Hooray
for
Hollywood!
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Dear simpleton,
Subject: Your Delightful "Oooh! How Realistic" Hollywood Page
Because something on your page is so outstandingly cool, I would like
to make a link to your page from my own page. (That makes
good sense, huh?) Please e-mail and let me know if this is OK with you.
I have several trademark .gif images available to designate my choices.
These images are all of those on my Coolest Links index page, and now
come in a variety of sizes.
If you feel so inclined, you may save one or more of these images, to
designate and/or link to from your own to reflect this award from me.
I am a heavy surfer and I have only the best taste (no, that's not true)
only the finest taste in links, and believe me, your page is one of
the best!
My URL is: http://www.twoey.com/~twoey/Twoey.html
Sincerely,
Twoey Clarke(SP)
twoey@twoey.com
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Dear Twoey,
We're pleased to inform you that you are simpleton.com's Reader Number
Eight, and may be entitled to a substantial cash prize. Please see
contest
rules for details.
However, as simleton has recently been acquired by Ticketmaster, all
and sundry are hereby enjoined from linking to our site in any way,
shape or form. Violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the
law.
Sincerely,
simpleton
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______________________
![[a christian martyr!]](img/smallsebas.gif)
October 7: All New
Crown of Thorns
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Dear simpleton,
After reading your article, I was a bit disturbed because the
persecution of Christians is something that hardly anyone in America,
Christian or not, knows about. After reading the book "Their Blood Cries
Out" i was totally shocked, because I had NEVER heard any of this
before, and this was obviously true stuff, i suggest you read it if you
haven't already. Christians are being raped, tortured, and killed
simiply because they follow Christ- not just because their "religious".
Some of these countries - mainly the muslim ones- are very "religious"
but they are missing the saving grace and power of JEsus Christ, and
that is why they oppose Christianity so vehemently, because of the
freedom that comes in knowing Christ as your Savior. Another great book
you could check out is "Tortured for Christ" the true story of Richard
Wurmbrand, a Romanian pastor who was imprisoned and tortured for 14
years because of his beliefs. THis is REAL persecution and should not
be taken lightly , just because it doesn't happen here in America, and
it's hard to understand doesn't mean you should downplay what is really
going on across the world. The BIble commands us to suffer with those
who are bound in chains, and therefore we must be fervent in exposing
what is happening and speaking for those who have no voice.
Sincerely,
Karen
kek141@psu.edu
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Dear Karen,
We have been commanded by the Bible to inform you that as simpleton's
Reader Number Nine, you are not entitled to cash prizes.
"Religious" beliefs are fine and healthy things, but should not blind
you
to the consideration that, even without Christ's saving grace, Muslims
have historically shown Christians more mercy than Christians have shown
them. In our own time we've seen numerous massacres of
Muslims by the Phalangists in Lebanon and the Serbs in Bosnia, to name a
few. Unless you get equally worked up about rape, torture and killing of
Muslims - or of anybody, for that matter - you're just rooting for your
own
team.
Sincerely,
simpleton
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______________________
![[play misty for me]](img/smallgay.gif)
October 13: Missed
Opportunities
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Dear simpleton,
"Does he regret it? Mildly. F... believes in trying everything
once, but he's married now, so he'll just have to stay
"bi-curious" for life."
I don't think so. Plenty of "opportunity" to go around.
I thought the punch line to this one was going to be:
"A couple of years later, a thin and pale Lars sold all his
possessions and moved to Palm Springs to avoid the harsh
northern california winters..."
Sincerely,
Cameron Geiser
cameron@slip.net
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Dear Cameron,
It is not the policy of this publication to comment on the health
complications and/or dangers of readers' sexual activities. F... was good
enough to share his missed opportunity with the group, and we must respect
his regrets as such.
Moreover, the rules of our missed opportunities special report clearly
specified that you should submit your own failed chances to grab life's
brass ring. Have you truly availed yourself of every opportunity Fortune
has offered you? Would you really be reading simpleton if you had?
Sincerely,
simpleton
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______________________
![[screwup dept]](img/meaculpa.gif)
October 23: simpleton
unplugged
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Dear simpleton,
I'm getting ugly and stupid.
I need my simpleton! Don't let a black out stop you from sharing the
Simpleton view, daily, with no commercial interuption.
Sincerely,
Eileen Noonkester
noonk@pacbell.net
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Dear simpleton,
What gives, daddy-o?
Like a junkie chasing the dragon, I turn to Simpleton for my daily fix. In
this case, it's comedy I want, not some cheap high. I've got you bookmarked,
earmarked and high-watermarked. I need it. But like some loose floozy on
Sunset Strip, you're not there. Just some crack-whore leftovers from
yesterday. That won't do, no sir. If I can't get a reliable source of
knee-slapping hijinx, I'll go elsewhere. I'll promise you that. Now if
you're really into service, you'll do something. Or at the very least,
reprint this letter with some witty retort. Do me that favor, will ya?
Sincerely,
Ricky Roma
afloreno@chemexpo.com
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Dear simpleton,
My coffee is gradually realigning my nervous system to help me cope with
this online crap. I type in the URL for my daily source of litamin T and
find the same copy of simpleton that I read yesterday.
What do I do now?
Sincerely,
U2 Fan
henry@novomedia.com
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Dear simpleton,
OK, so I've been putting out a huge fire for almost 24 hours straight.
It's not out, but the flames are under control. So what do I do with my
new-found free nanoseconds? I surf right over to simpleton only to find
YESTERDAY'S NEWS!!
That's like, er, well, old in web time!
Sincerely,
Bruce Keilin
brucek@reef.com
P.S. If you are dead, seriously ill, or celebrating your newfound
employer please disregard this message.
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To Our Readers,
Our first publishing glitch was addressed in a rare
letter of
explanation
from Calzone CEO H. Peabody Briggs. Since the original emergency, it
has become clear that the culprit was an actual utility disaster - and
possibly
an act of sabotage - in the city of San Francisco. The matter has been
succinctly addressed by our own Alan Kornheiser:
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![[an alan kornheiser
letter]](img/kornheiser.gif)
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Downloaded very easily; whatever was wrong has been fixed. Two cautions,
however, to avoid this in the future:
1. The power outage in SF was apparently active sabotage. And
oldfashioned sabot-in-the-grinder sabotage, too; nothing techie at all;
somebody smashed the hardware. All this caused simpleton to fail to
publish. Coincidence? we think not.
2. In general, hi-tech stuff functions fairly well. However, even on the
face of it this is unlikely. Consider the millions of circuits in each
board; the millions of millions of possible combinations; the countless
(well, actually quite countable if I could use exponential notation with
this email, but a big number anyway) ways things can fail. Given the
uncertainty principle, everything hi-tech SHOULD in fact never work at
all. How does it happen that failure is more the exception than the
rule? Divine grace. He Who sees every sparrow fall sees every electron
as well.
However, despite what you may have read, this Grace does not fall like
the gentle dew from heaven but must be actively implored. Accordingly,
small blood offerings are needed to inauguarate anything technical.
Minor technology like calculators require nothing really; normal shaving
cuts yield enough blood. However, something larger (like a PC) requires
a small blood offering (or even a large one if profanity has been used
in setting it up); a decent sized mammal is needed for a server; and for
a mainframe with a full RAID array...don't ask.
So, I ask you, what has simpleton done to petition for grace and favor?
Nothing? thought so. Serves you right. Fortunately, a chicken will
probably be enough for a 'zine site, and you can freely cook and eat it
afterward. So get to it. Most kosher and asian markets will have them.
Alan
ASKornheiser@prodigy.net
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Dear Alan,
Your letter more than any other encapsulates the
pounding-on-a-stone-tablet
reality of simpleton publication. With its obsolete 8-meg Mac and 14.4
modem,
Calzone gets by on one frayed shoestring, with little or no room for
error. Indeed,
since your letter brings us back to the Age of Belief, we might observe
that
the mere fact simpleton continues to come out on a daily basis is
nothing short
of a miracle.
Sincerely,
tim
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