PUTZ REPORT issues correction...


'LION KING' TO DIE IN SEQUEL!?







XXXXX PUTZ REPORT FLASH XXXXX FRI NOV 14 1997 5:29 PST XXXXX


RIDING HOOD HEADED INTO DEATH TRAP?


The East German capital of Munich can't stop talking about the danger that Little Red Riding Hood's lifestyle choices have created for the youngest royal.

The WASHINGTON POST's Peter Baker in Friday's edition:

"An affadavit has been filed regarding an incident in a Little Rock hotel room."

The PUTZ REPORT has now been fully briefed on this incident, and has learned of Hood's ongoing chicanery with six dwarfs. Now back in Europe, according to the brothers GRIMM, Hood, a daughter of the royal family at odds with the rest of the royalty, has embarked on a reckless course with her personal life.

Flash: "She's been trying to cadge a living from three bears," said one member of the royal family, using the British slang for "mooch." "But she's in imminent danger from these animals."


XXXXX PUTZ REPORT FLASH XXXXX FRI NOV 14 1997 8:50 PST XXXXX


MILLION MIDGET MARCH DESCENDING ON WASHINGTON


The nation's capital will witness the greatest gathering of militant lilliputians since the making of the Wizard of Oz brought midgets nationwide to Hollywood, says sizzling New York Times columnist MAUREEN DOWD.

DOWD, an inveterate hobnobber inside the Beltway, may be covering the story for her parent newspaper. One well-placed congressional staffer says the half-pint activists are agitating for better facilities and more respect from capital hill. Who isn't?

The real news here is that DOWD is first on the scene. Times top dog Felch Sulzberger reportedly is so high on his star columnist that he's putting some quiet pressure on Hollywood pals to option her life story. Meanwhile, she'll be the biggest name covering the march of the shrimps.

Sounds like a tall order.


XXXXX CORRECTION XXXXX FRI NOV 14 1997 11:10 PST XXXXX


The PUTZ REPORT officially retracts its story on Little Red Riding Hood.



XXXXX PUTZ REPORT FLASH XXXXX FRI NOV 14 1997 12:34 PST XXXXX


CINDERELLA NEW BELLE OF THE BALL


An obscure kid got the kid gloves from royal shmoozers at last night's prince's bash, the PUTZ REPORT has learned.

The mystery girl caught the eye of one royal charmer, according to witnesses, but split the party early in the evening, without leaving a word. Her forlorn romeo is looking hard for this missing person, and demanding that her picture be put up on mild cartons all over the country.


XXXXX PUTZ REPORT FLASH XXXXX FRI NOV 14 1997 2:25 PST XXXXX


THREE BEAR UPDATE


Whitewater investigators have changed their tune, and are now placing an unknown blonde in the home of the three bears, according to an official who shared what he knew with the PUTZ REPORT.

"We don't know who she is, but we're dying to get ahold of her," this staffer said. "We're very curious about what she was doing trespassing in their home. These bears have had their reputations besmirched over this."

First with the scoop was CHRIS RUDDY. RUDDY is everywhere these days, and his investigative reporting on the Little Rock scandal has taken a new turn with this information on the bearish trio.



XXXXX CORRECTION XXXXX FRI NOV 14 1997 3:12 PST XXXXX


The PUTZ REPORT incorrectly identified Little Red Riding Hood as the woman involved with six dwarfs. Hood has not been involved with any dwarfs.

In addition, there were seven dwarfs, not six, as reported by the PUTZ REPORT.

Hood is also not a member of the Royal Family

The PUTZ REPORT regrets any discomfort this may have caused to Hood or her family.


XXXXX PUTZ REPORT FLASH XXXXX FRI NOV 14 1997 4:21 PST XXXXX


PUTZ REPORT SUED


Lawyers for Little Red Riding Hood have tried to shut down the PUTZ REPORT's operation. We'll keep publishing, thank you.

Meanwhile, Hood has slapped the PUTZ REPORT with a $10 million libel suit. Talk to our lawyers.

Now everybody's talking about the PUTZ REPORT. Venerable columnist BILL SAFIRE wrote a column calling the REPORT a menace and disgrace to journalism. The REPORT calls it getting the scoop.



XXXXX PUTZ REPORT FLASH XXXXX FRI NOV 14 1997 5:25 PST XXXXX


THREE PIGS TAKE REAL ESTATE MARKET BY STORM


Putz fave PEGGY NOONAN has nothing but praise in her latest GOOD HOUSEKEEPING column for three porkers who have set up shop in the construction business.

But NEWSWEEK's once ace reporter Michael Isikoff sees trouble ahead for the pigs. According to a report he's writing for next week's issue, the three are headed for a run-in with a wolf pretending to be their grandmother.

Filed by Jack Putz

Contact Jack Putz



Previous Putz reports

The REPORT is issued when circumstances warrant
(c)PUTZ REPORT 1997
Not for reproduction without permission of the author



This has been simpleton, for November 14, 1997


Previously in simpleton:

Thursday: For or Against? A simpleton reader poll
Wednesday: Reader Mail: Volume 6
Tuesday: We've Gotta Have It: Grand Marnier is an orgy of alcoholic fun!
Monday: Special Issues: A sop to the advertisers
Friday: William Saltpeter: On Language
Thursday: Ushered Out: Study suggests yuppies still assholes


A century of simpletons in the simpleton archive.


Monday: All-new cartoons