![[simpleton]](img/dearsimp.gif)
Feedback
November 19, 1997
New ones Monday through Friday
Reader mail: Volume
7
All new puzzles! All new mail!
|
Solution to last week's crossword puzzle
![[a puzzle for big
brains]](img/crossanswer.gif)
This Week's Column
Tic Tac Toe:
By Eugene Scheffer and Omar Sharif
![[what do you do
next?]](img/tic-tac-toe.gif)
Eugene Scheffer: This is the classic gambit used by Briggs in
the Monaco tourney in 1966. It's become a part of the lexicon, a move
combining elegant simplicity with mathematical rigor. A winner.
Scheffer's solution:
X to 2b to win.
Omar Sharif: He is nothing. The well is everything.
Sharif's solution:
O to 2b to win.
|
In next week's Reader Mail: a brain-teasing maze.
![[the spot]](img/empose.jpg)
September 25: Out,
Damn Spot
|
Dear simpleton,
Just finished reading your trite story on The Spot.
You just don't have a clue what the Spot meant to fans or how the
community
that was created back then thrives today. You looked at the boards in
which
there is no fan left amongst the idiots who dwell there. You did manage
to
find one set of fans at Spotfans but to write off all Spot fans who are
also
Lawyers, Doctors, Chemists, Actors, CEO's and other professionals shows
your
shortcomings and not ours.
Regards,
Paul
PaulC90210@aol.com
|
|
Dear Paul,
I have it on good authority that no simpleton fans are doctors, lawyers or indian
chiefs. Invalids, malcontents, the morbidly obese, and guys whose pants "accidentally fall down"
in front of schoolyards, however, are well represented, and our shortcomings are well
known.
Were there really 90209 Pauls before you at American Online, or is that your real last
name?
Sincerely,
tim
|
|
Dear Harry,
Good show! However, I had in mind something money-making. The original Spot is a
ghost site in name only. According to my well-placed sources, the site still gets
several thousand daily pageviews - or did in September, when the story was written. That's a fair
amount of traffic to be looking at banner ads that still function, even though nobody
is paying for them.
If Spotfans has succeeded in co-opting a substantial portion of this traffic, congratulations.
In a subsequent letter, you suggested there may be plans in the works to make some money
on the deal. That was my original suggestion, and the article was intended as business
proposal more than anything else. The volume of irate mail I got about this article is
evidence of the article's original thesis - that The Spot's fan base is, er,
passionate, and with all that buying power, somebody ought to be making money.
I hope it's you and the people at Spotfans. Best of luck.
Although, come to think of it, I guess it's losing money that's the real mark of
having arrived on the web.
Sincerely,
tim
|
![[we've gotta have it]](img/smallgm4some.gif)
November 11: We've
Gotta Have It
|
Hi Tim,
I have to say that your article on the Grand Marnier Ad was quite
EXTRAORDINARY to say the least !!!! even being French I almost
got a stroke when I first saw my face so close from the "cast woman".
Your description of our motivation though very sex oriented is quite
accurate. As for a new advertising campaign I think that we'll stick to
the
mother and leave the daughter to your wild imagination.... ;-)
Best Regards to the Team (no french kissing though)
Sincerely,
Gilles Coury
Marketing Director
Grand Marnier Liqueur
Gilles Coury
http://www.grand-marnier.com
|
|
Dear Gilles,
I'm ready to commodify my dissent, if you're willing to co-opt my rebel pose. Grand
Marnier ads + simpleton = match made in liqueur Heaven. And since we've already run
a whole article making fun of your ads, we've got big-time cred. What could be hipper
than taking an ad with us now?
Jacquie Driscolle, our vp of undignified prostration, will be in touch with you re
the Xmas ad campaign.
Sincerely,
simpleton
|
|
Dear simpleton,
Well, even a "well-heeled, more or less educated readership" is human
with
the same perverted desires as the rest of us pigs masquerading as men.
Besides, in today's topsy-turvey world where undereducated
web developer punks in torn blue jeans command higher salaries than even the
most witty and well-educated
'content
providers' (i.e. writers), the high-end booze merchants have no choice
but
to appeal to such pubescent fantasies to maintain sales growth. Call it
"Heavy Metal" advertising, 90s style.
P.S. You are one sicko for finding the 'Women In Casts' website. You
need
a job, son.
- Wadsworth Peabody
|
|
Dear Mr. Peabody,
You don't understand. When I see a woman in a cast, I want to be with her,
but I don't want to be her.
Sincerely,
simpleton
|
More government-funded
research on a cure for
winter boogers
November 13: For or
Against?
|
Dear simpleton,
Subject: Why I Vote
Because...
With an expanded NATO we can start a war to send all the unaborted
fetuses to fight with a single bullet each, but a flat tax just isn't
going to be enough to pay for that, so start making those cashiers'
checks out to Bill Clinton and that way my damnable ex-girlfriend won't
be able to afford MSG-laden Pu Pu Platters anymore and thus the strong,
weak, electromagnetic and gravitational holding her together will break
down and so she'll go bonkers and get shot by a fat-looking cop with a
big-ass gun belt and an ancient but unclothed dog (you know, like the
security guard from "Mannequin", only this cop would be able to outwit
Andrew MacCarthy) who thankfully doesn't vacuum naked, even though his
wife did, back in the day when she was a betty and could shake her bare
booty to those KC and the Sunshine Band hi-fi 8-tracks, when they were
still fresh, before the heinous corporate rockmeisters created the
soulless KC knockoffs, which would make her so depressed that not even
Cliff Robertson's bravura turn as retard-turned-genius-turned ironically
back to retard Charly could cheer her up, nor could thoughts of Bill
Gates and his immense wealth buying up all of Guam to turn into a
tropical nerd paradise; no, the only thing to chase her blues away was
the old chestnut "What kind of wood doesn't float? Natalie Wood!" which
if they took a vote would be the funniest joke ever, but some comedy
dictator would have to enforce the results, and what with continental
drift his power would be diminished unless spelling could be made E-Z,
the tragedy of Arctic nasal drip ended, and the Moon Pie replaced as
cultural benchmark, maybe by dogs biting mailmen again -- I'm not really
sure -- or by the return of the China Syndrome, which always made me
happy when Michael Douglas stopped the meltdown but then made me equally
bummed out afterwards thinking what if this happens, and the only thing
that could chase my blues away would be to make those antic Austrians
always wear their delightful native costumes.
Especially if they fucking well want to join NATO.
Sensibly,
Sean M. Kelley, Citizen
seank@bu.edu
|
|
Dear simpleton,
You almost had me. I was just ready to press the For selection but you
just had to put "tho" in the list. That ruined it for me. I generally
accept the fact that the language is morphing to something that watchers
of television could understand. But I cannot accept that particular
simplification except in the most informal and fast notes.
Besides, you really need the 'r' to make it sound right when you
phonetically spell throw.
(Jus thought I'd tho this at ya.)
Sincerely,
Lyle Wiscarson lylewisc@SpiritOne.com
lylewisc@SpiritOne.com
|
|
Dear Citizen,
Normally, of course, I have no opinions of my own and simply wait for a
CNN poll to make major decisions for me. (And Hussein should be worred
now that 54% of Americans support bombing Iraq.) As such, I naturally
answered each question "Undecided", while awaiting the results of the
overall survey.
After deep reflection, however, I must admit that I made an error in
that action, and wish to change my answer to one question. I AM in
favor of nude housekeeping.
Yours Sincerely,
President Bill Clinton
prez@whitehouse.gov
|
|
Dear Readers,
This is but a small sampling of the responses simpleton received to its reader poll.
Clearly, the oldest rule of publishing is still the best - you give a
contest,
you'll get a big frigging response. And it's even bigger when you offer
cash prizes.
Read on...
|
|
Dear simpleton,
My name is Terri Hartley. My religious affiliation would
need to be far right conservative christian, but alas, I'm
floating in the field of mediocrity in the bible belt. I
would most like to play Mickey Rourke (specifically from
Marlboro Man and 9-1/2 Weeks). I should win because
something good should happen to me...it's just my turn at
the rainbow. I've been hit by a car while riding my bike,
had my car stolen three times in a month, made it thru my
third divorce with the clothes on my back, and, dammit,
it's just my turn! The sibling I dislike the most would
have to be my younger brother. I kept him out of the
whoopings of a lifetime when he was but a wee lad, and now
that he is older, I couldn't even get him to help me move
into my new apt (I moved per police suggestions due to the
fact they believe I am being stalked). Further, Little
Brother is a veritable computer whiz and did he help me get
this sorry system up and running??? NO! He did not. That's
okay, though. My life has been one that people tend to say
builds character...(!ptewey!)
Thanking you in advance for choosing me as the most
deserving winner on the net....
Terri
niobe1@southeast.net
|
|
Dear Terri,
Not only are you our winner, you are our QUEEN FOR A DAY!
Your cash prize is in the mail
Sincerely,
tim
|
|
Dear simpleton,
Here's some personal information for you clever younguns.
My name is Little Nell,
and you can probably tell
from my Afghan Mujahadeen garb as I stand beside this birch
that I'm not affiliated with the Lutheran church.
When I'm in drag, I'm quite a mover,
all dolled up like J. Edgar Hoover.
I should be your winner because I have no idea what the prize is and
because
I shirked work this morning to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
My
mind is on the gold ticket that will eventually lead, through my
teary-eyed
honesty, to ownership of the simpleton factory and brand name.
Which brings me to my sister, Cornelius. She's a fraidy cat.
Hello!
(Name Withheld)
namewithheld@microsoft.com
|
|
Dear Name Withheld,
I took the liberty of leaving you anonymous on the chance your work-shirking
story is legit.
Your prosody gives me an earache, and you confused the title of the book
and the
movie: It's Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
However, I could not help noticing that the company for whom you are
shirking work is
in fact Microsoft, and I can not pass up a chance to encourage Redmond's
finest
to slack off. So for the first and last time, we are awarding two
prizes!
Speaking of ownership of the simpleton factory and brand name: I know
Bill's looking
for innovative web content. Tell him I'm willing to deal.
Your cash prize is in the mail.
These two were only the top competitors out of a tough field. To our
other contestants,
we're proud of you for playing, and hope you'll take your shot in future
simpleton
offers. We'll be offering all new cash prizes tomorrow.
Sincerely,
tim
|
![[asians....]](img/issue-asian.gif)
November 10: Special
Issues
|
Dear simpleton,
Your "Special Issues" number worked for me.
Especially "The Past." I was going to say it was
the funniest thing I've seen for a while, but
then Terry's thing about
cartoons came along...
Best,
S.S. Pratt
ersatz@echonyc.com
http://www.thefinger.com
|
|
Dear Sam,
So does this mean you're going to buy an add?
Sincerely,
tim
|
Miscellaneous Plugs
|
Dear simpleton,
Congratulations! Your site will be the Cool Central Site of the Hour
for the next hour.
Cool Central Site of the Hour is the first of its kind, and you are
now one of the chosen few to participate in this historic event.
Cool Central is devoted exclusively to the best sites the Web has
to offer, and yours is definitely one of them. To see your site
in lights go to:
http://www.coolcentral.com/hour/
(but you better be quick!)
Andy Warhol was wrong, you get at least 45 more minutes! After we
spotlight your site for the appointed hour, it will be listed in the
Cool Central hourly archives for 12 hours, which will generate a good dose
of hits. In fact, many of our awardees have experienced a surge in traffic
after their awards. In the near future we'll be expanding our hourly
archive to span a longer time period, stay tuned...
To receive your award go to:
http://www.coolcentral.com/awards/hour.html
BTW, since you've proven you know cool, we think you'll recognize
it when you see Nick Click, Private... Eye. He's our resident
cybersleuth who periodically files a report of his latest case
in his own wisecracking way (using ToolVox Gold).
http://www.coolcentral.com/nick/
Thanks for being such a great site, and for helping to make the
Web a cooler place.
The Staff at coolcentral.com
|
|
Dear Staff,
Thanks, but I notice that your mail is dated 2:00 am PST on Saturday. I'm sure a lotta
people are surfing the web at that hour! Indeed, if anybody's looking at the web from
5:00 to 6:00 in the morning (EST) on a Saturday, I don't want them as readers!
However, since I realize how little it takes to create a "surge in traffic" at simpleton,
and since this seems to have been connected to a
Cool Site of the Day award, which
simpleton won on Friday,
and which lasts 24 whole hours, thanks.
Sincerely,
tim
|
|
Dear simpleton,
Congratulations! Your site will be featured on THE WEB Magazine Online on
Thursday, November 13! We sort through hundreds of URLs each day, selecting
only a handful to rate and review.
To read our review, just point your browser to www.webmagazine.com and look
in our What's New section. If you can't make it to the site on Thursday,
you'll find our review in the What's New archives.
We've also created a special "Reviewed by" logo, linking back to our
review, which you can proudly display on your site. To retrieve the logo,
just copy this HTML and you're ready to go!
Again, congratulations on a noteworthy site. If you have any questions or
comments, feel free to drop us a line.
Eric Hellweg
Senior Staff Writer
THE WEB Magazine Online
|
|
Don't just sit there; send
your own
letter!
In the next installment of Reader Mail:
Another tuff-2-krak brane teezer!
More wit from simpleton's fans!
A chance to send your own letter!
All coming in one week!
And there'll be a new simpleton tomorrow!
Previously in simpleton:
Tuesday: Alone with my email:
Memory lane needs widening
Monday: Showdown in the Gulf:
The insult that made a bully out of Bill
Friday: The Putz Report:
Inaccurate infotainment
Thursday: For or Against?
A simpleton reader poll
Wednesday: Reader Mail:
Volume 6
Tuesday: We've Gotta Have It:
Grand Marnier is an orgy of alcoholic fun!
A century of simpletons in the simpleton archive.
Tomorrow:
Win Free Sex!
|
|