While it might seem that the Web has abandoned its promise of bringing people together, three letters that recently came over the transom strongly suggest otherwise.

Astute readers will recall that one of the runners up in last week's Queen for a Day sob story contest was one "Dr. Milliard Rausch, Scientist,"* of Canada's New Brunswick province. Salty and vehement, Rausch's letter caught the attention of one "Victoria," who sent in the following note:

How's this for a sob story?

Believe it or not, I used to go out with that Rausch freak! ;) Actually, he's a pretty good guy, except on Wednesdays, which are "Crack" nights, oh, and Fridays, which are "Jeffrey Dahmer Recipe exchange" nights at the Rausch houshold, even little Tiffany gets in on that one....

Don't eat the Moon Pies....I can't even mention what's in those....*shudder*

Victoria Moonglow *

Wow, what a coincidence! We were touched - the fond reminiscence, the deft emoticon, the Wagnerian email address.

Then things took a turn toward the surreal. Yesterday, "Kate Eryn," winner of this week's contest, sent in a followup note with the following addendum:

The aspiring teacher/closet sociopath [boyfriend] I referred to?

That freak Rausch

Clearly, when a publication with a total worldwide circulation of 15 includes two connected romances, we've passed beyond the realm of mere coincidence. Statistically, the implications are stunning. The boys in the mailroom suspect a hoax at the expense of Calzone Inc., but we suspect that there's something even more intriguing afoot - that an aspiring teacher and sociopath in the Great White North is somehow the most successful lover on the North American continent.

How does Milliard Rausch do it? We sent our reporter, Daphne Lynne, to find out how Milliard became

The Sexiest Man Alive

1) Hunky, but self-effacing. Nothing is more charming. You won't catch Milliard doing any pretty-boy posturing. That, shy slightly skewed smile suggests he's not even aware of his own good looks (Oh, but how can he not be?). It's an unbeatable combination. Who can resist?

2) The right word at the right time. Milliard knows what to say, and when. He doesn't just say what you want to hear; he says what you need to hear.

3) He doesn't give up! Though never less than a gentleman, Milliard knows that sometimes a girl likes to be pursued. Hard-to-get just makes Milliard try harder.

4) Worldly. Milliard's an international guy. Wherever he is, that's where the excitement is. In any country, in any language, Milliard knows the way to a woman's heart.

5) An all-around lover. A woman gets the full treatment with Milliard, if you know what I mean! And after he loves a woman up and down, you won't catch Milliard sprinting for the door with an "I'll call you" and a patronizing kiss. He makes every woman feel like she's the Only One.

But she's not. You see, there's another side to Milliard, a side most woman don't recognize until it's too late. Just when you realize Milliard has been the first thing you think about in the morning for too many mornings in a row, he's gone. The phone calls dwindle down to vague answering machine messages (which he always makes sure to leave when he knows you won't be home).

It's a sure bet that once you've got a full dose of Milliard's love potion, you'll humiliate yourself trying to get him back. But it won't work, and a few weeks later, you'll hear from a friend (whom you secretly suspect of being a little too close to Milliard herself) that he's left town, headed back to his cozy Atlantic province north of the border.

Do you pursue him? Many women have, but the tears are always the same. Just ask the support group....

* At the request of participants, names have been changed as of January 30, 2006