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They are names that fill millions of Americans with terror.
Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease, E. Coli, Mad Cow. But are these meat diseases merely the
tip of a virulent and contagious iceberg?
We sent our correspondent, Duke Mantee, into the new hot zone of meat-related
infections. If you care about what your family is eating, you won't want to miss this
special "food for thought" report.
Reef, Beef and Barf!
1) Mad Crab Disease infects the central nervous systems of crustaceans, causing
them to click incoherently and walk forward instead of backward:
![[here I come]](img/meat-crab.gif)
2) Rabbits infected with Lapinosis stop tasting like chicken,
and start tasting like rabbits again:
![[sacre bleu!]](img/meat-bunny.gif)
Sacre bleu!
3) Birds infected with Mad Chicken Disease suffer seizures that
make them run around like chickens with their heads cut off, even before their heads
are cut off!
![[poulet folle!]](img/meat-chicken.gif)
4) Deepak-Pullus Syndrome will turn even the most succulent Cornish
game hen into a boring motivational speaker!
![[let me tell you about my childhood]](img/meat-hen.gif)
5) Mad Sow Disease causes pigs to behave in progressively more
reckless and self-destructive ways:
![[pigs like bacon too!]](img/meat-bacon.gif)
![[pigs like ham too!]](img/meat-white.gif)
![[pigs can be jewish too!]](img/meat-kosher.gif)
Frightened? While independent and "family" farmers don't want you
to know about these new strains of food-related infections, you can guard against these
toxins, and still enjoy a hearty, American-style meal, with meat substitutes.
Let's take a moment to honor that most underrated, overachieving of all the farm
products, the humble Soybean!
With over 900,000 uses (and counting!), the soybean furnishes
great-tasting and good-for-you
substitutes for most meat dishes. That's what the meat industry doesn't want you to
know, and a good reason to take another look at our friend and yours, Mr. Soybean:
![[the hero of our story]](img/meat-soy.gif)
Simpleton has been brought to you today by the Archer Daniels
Midland Company, Supermarket to the World.
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![[simpleton]](img/simptitle.gif)