![[simpleton]](img/simptitle-rwb.gif)
Civics Dept.
December 11, 1997
New ones Monday through Friday
How to Become an American
The Do's and Don't's of Citizenship
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If you're like me, you like the idea of being an American. Unfortunately, there
are more than 5 billion people on the planet, and only about 260 million of them
actually get to call themselves citizens of this great country. Many simpleton readers,
for example, dwell in other lands - we have the mail to prove it.
We believe, however, that in the
future, everyone will be American, and to help speed things along, we're providing, at
no additional cost to you, this easy to use guide to becoming an American citizen.
Step 1: Answering "No"
The first thing to remember is that officials of the US Immigration and
Naturalization Service are not unlike your high school administrators: They don't care
what happens, as long as it's not unusual. This is not meant to disparage
the good people who work for the INS, just to point out that your best bet as a
prospective American is to avoid standing out. Sure, everybody claims to admire
the Great and the Talented, but it's the Average who made this country great, and we
aim to keep it that way. And we want new Americans to be even more average than most.
Therefore, the INS will ask you many questions, to which they definitely want an answer
of "No." For example, when you are asked:
Since becoming a permanent resident, have you ever failed to file a federal income
tax return?
you should answer:
No
The INS actually doesn't care whether you cheated on your income taxes. For that we
have another agency, called the IRS. All the INS wants to know is that they asked
the question, and you answered in the negative. By the same token, the inquiry:
During the period March 23, 1933 to May 8, 1945, did you serve in, or were you in
any way affiliated with, either directly or indirectly, any military unit, paramilitary
unit, police unit, self-defense unit, vigilante unit, citizen unit of the Nazi party
or SS, government agency or office, extermination camp, concentration camp, prisoner of
war camp, prison, labor camp, detention camp or transit camp, under control or
affiliated with:
a. The Nazi Government of Germany?
b. Any government in any area occupied by, allied with, or established with the
assistance or cooperation of the Nazi Government of Germany?
is designed to elicit the following response:
No
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You should answer "no" even in those cases where the correct answer is "yes."
When, for example, you are asked if you have ever joined any group, including the
Communist Party, you may wish to answer "Well, we had a model UN in high school, and
I represented Albania, so I guess that sort of counts as being part of the Communist
Party." You should not answer this.
In fact, if you have joined any group - be it your dorm's Thursday Night
Movie Club or the Armed Islamic Front for Global Holy War, the INS really doesn't care -
they just want to get the question out of the way. Answer "no."
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![[celebrity deaths? for]](img/immig-turk.gif)
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![[me a prostitute - no way!]](img/immig-prost.gif)
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Continue ansering "No" when asked if you have ever:
a. been a habitual drunkard?
b. advocated or practiced polygamy?
c. been a prostitute or procured anyone for prostitution?
d. knowingly and for gain helped any alien to enter the U.S. illegally?
e. been an illicit trafficker in narcotic drugs or marijuana?
f. received income from illegal gambling?
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Step 2: Answering "Yes"
The INS can be tricky, however. In some cases, the way to avoid
raising a warning flag is to answer "Yes." The following Yes/No questions are also
found on form N-400 (petition for citizenship). For your convenience, we have provided
some suggested anwers:
Do you believe in the Constitution
and form of government of the U.S.?
Step 3: Other Answers
Test your knowledge of America! Here are some more questions you'll be asked as
a candidate for U.S. citizenship. Have your answers ready.
What is the 4th of July?
What do we call a change
to the constitution?
Who said "Give me liberty
or give me death"?
What are the duties
of the Supreme Court?
How many representatives
are there in Congress
Who wrote The Star-
Spangled Banner?
Who has the power
to declare war?
Which President
freed the slaves?
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Step 4: Pledging Allegiance
On Tuesday, 785 new Americans pledged allegiance to the flag in San Francisco.
Just like on TV, the crowd contained Sikhs wearing turbans, women in veils, a Mexican
guy in a cowboy hat, many Chinese and Japanese people, and even an English
guy who looked like a member of Spinal Tap, and gave a nice speech.
By "coincidence," this central act of American life took place in a center of Freemasonry -
SF's Masonic Auditorium.
One happy moment came when 100-year old Sara Medina was presented, Willard Scott-style,
to the crowd.
![[sara medina]](img/immig-sara.gif)
99-year old Kwok Wing Chan was also called for, but they couldn't find him in the crowd.
The Hon. Bernard Zimmerman talked about his own swearing in as a citizen 34 years ago
(you'd never know to listen to him that he's not native born; maybe he's Canadian, or a
World War II baby). The Novato High School Color Guard brought out the flag.
All the participants received a letter from Bill Clinton, which read in part:
You now share in a great experiment: a nation dedicated to the ideal that all of
us are created equal, a nation with profound respect for individual rights. The United
States is a land of unparalleled natural beauty, vast opportunity, and freedom.
Hillary joined him in welcoming the new citizens.
Everybody had to renounce allegiances to foreign princes and potentates.
When it was all over, a member of the simpleton family had become a brand new
American. We're very proud of the progress she's making:
![[how to really be an American]](img/immig-vk.gif)
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