Dear simpleton, Where have you been all my life? I just discovered Simpleton and, ahh, yes. I am so much better for having read you. Thank you thank you thank you. (Who are you guys anyway?) Sincerely Sandy in Tulsa arboreal@earthlink.net

Dear Sandy, Glad you asked! H. Peabody Briggs III is Calzone Inc.'s majority owner, President and Chief Executive Officer. A hard driving, thrifty businessman who still remembers dining on ketchup soup during the Great Depression, Mr. Briggs is a regular hellion around the office. They say there's a heart beating under that sourpuss exterior, but we've never seen it. Jacquie Driscolle, our vice-president of marketing, takes Mr. Briggs' browbeatings with aplomb. In her own words, she's "a gal who loves to schmooze" and always has the clients' best interest at heart. At last year's ConFab expo, Jacquie's booth won the most unctuous prize. Holden Chutney, nervous head of investor relations. Holden's a consummate suit, more concerned about moving up the ladder at Calzone than finding romance, but that may change when he meets... Heather Woiwode, designer. Free-spirited Heather just arrived here from a small town in the midwest, and she's already got the office going bonkers! But don't be fooled by the ditzy demeanor - it's the sign of an artistic temperament, and Heather's got the award-winning designs to prove it! Geof Kupperman, our programming director, may seem anxious and neurotic on the outside, but deep down he's also anxious and neurotic. Geof does a bang-up job running simpleton, but he's easily flustered, especially by... Raheem Malik, technical director. A wiz with anything electronic, Raheem is also an inveterate practical joker, and an all-around Cool Man. He gets his digs in against Geof, but deep down they're the best of pals. So what do you do with a crew this wacky? Just you wait and see. Sincerely, Tim

Dear simpleton, Your weekly "reader mail" installments seem like a scam to get your audience to create your content for you, in the same vein as dirt-cheap to-produce "reality" television series like "America's Funniest Home Videos." Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I had a couple of ideas that might save you even more work in the future: Monday: "Those Darn Animals!", a combination of "When Animals Attack!" goring/mauling footage in addition to scenes of cute/wacky household pets (poodles in rollerskates, etc.) Friday: "True Tales of the US Department of Agriculture" -- cash in on the meat-disease scare (as reported on in a previous edition of simpleton) with true stores from the frontline. If I were really ambitious, I would come up with a few more and give you a new agenda for the entire week, but fuck it. You can keep your filthy lucre, since my life is pretty good. Regards, Michael Lambright basehead@europa.com

Dear Michael, Thanks for the tip. And since you left Wednesday open, I say we pilot another show, the zaniest office comedy since Dilbert: Simpleton Nights, premiering during the January replacement week. Check your local listings. Sincerely, tim

Hey you, in front of that monitor! Send your own damn letter! Previously in simpleton: Tuesday: Is that in your pocket a Babel Tower? Monday: News you can Lose: Random acts of context Friday: Feeb: The Simpleton's vain effort to be respectable Thursday: How to be an American: A simpleton civics guide Wednesday: Reader Mail: Volume 10 Tuesday: On the Vanity of Innovation The Simpleton moves into the 18th Century A century of simpletons in the simpleton archive. Tomorrow: The year in review