|
GARY
Howard, she wants her sister Lavinia to come in with her.
JACKIE
Vagina?
HOWARD
Jesus, who do people think I am? Bring her in.
ROBIN
Remember Howard, she hasn't been out in public for eight years.
Try to be sensitive.
HOWARD
Robin, say hello to Mr. Sensitivity, he's right here in my
pants. Emily! How are you?
EMILY
Fine, thank you.
HOWARD
Why don't you tell our audience a little about what you do.
EMILY
I have written nearly 2000 poems.
HOWARD
You know Emily, to be honest, I just don't get poetry.
ROBIN
That doesn't surprise me.
HOWARD
And you're some kind of literary genius?
ROBIN
I did quite well in my literature classes, thank you.
HOWARD
Yeah, so did Stuttering John, look where he is. The only thing
to you have to remember with this poetry is it all leads back to
sex. Right, Emily?
EMILY
It would be unjust to simplify it so.
HOWARD
But it all stems from that, right? I mean I've heard you've had
all kinds of trouble with men, in fact, someone told me you're
still a virgin.
ROBIN
Howard! Or should I say Mr. Sensitive?
HOWARD
Seriously, Robin, what happens with these poetry chicks is
someone breaks their heart and they start brooding and writing,
lighting candles and walking around barefoot, and they never go
out again. That's it, right - some guy broke your heart when you were
young?
EMILY
A heart broken twain can love twice as many, and broken again can
love four.
ROBIN
She's got you there, Howard.
HOWARD
So you're telling me you've been in an orgy? I haven't got laid
in three weeks and poets are having orgies. Sometimes I really
wish my wife would get struck by lightning. Quick,
painless, and I'd be dating at the funeral.
EMILY
The ideal marriage is two hearts and one love, but my matching
heart died young.
HOWARD
Trauma! You may be ready to swing the other way, you think you
want to date women now? Try something different, more
caring, more tender? Gary, set up lesbian dial a date!
EMILY
I think I am content, thank you.
HOWARD
You're not bad looking either, you realize that? You've kind of
got that Holly Hunter ugly sexy vibe going, like in The
Piano, I'll bet Stuttering John would do you. Hey, get John in
here. . . John, would you do her?
ROBIN
Maybe we should hear some of her poetry.
JOHN
Sure, I wwwould dddddo her. She's cute. Intellectuall
lllllooking.
HOWARD
All you need to do, honey, is hang out in some of those coffee
shops in the village, first get rid of that grey dress, wear a
black cape or something
JACKIE
One of those long dresses that drags on the ground. Hide that
skinny ass.
HOWARD
Yeah, right, and then read some of your poetry out loud and
those skinny guys will be all over you, you'll be getting laid so
much you won't have time to write.
ROBIN
Let her read a poem, Howard.
HOWARD
Okay, okay. Now remember, poetry is always about sex. Fred,
some music.
![[spanking the poet]](img/emily-spank.gif)
(Pornography sound track begins: drums, wah guitar, moaning girl)
EMILY
A narrow Fellow in the Grass
HOWARD
Whoa, stop right there! We all know what that is. I told you
Robin! I'm going to start reading poetry, maybe leave a book of
it in the bathroom, help me get some release.
ROBIN
I really don't think that's what it is intended for, Howard.
EMILY
Occasionally rides
JACKIE:
Rides, hoo hoo.
HOWARD
Shut up Jackie. Emily, did you know Jackie has written two
thousand poems about pot?
EMILY
The Grass divides as with a Comb, a spotted shaft is seen.
HOWARD
Okay, what I'm getting here is that you really want some, but
you can't express physically it so you put it down in
poetry, is that right?
ROBIN
She's not going to interpret it for you Howard, that's not how it
works.
HOWARD
What's that? You're not going to tell us what it means? Then
why do we have you on here? We could go home and read the poem!
ROBIN
You need to make your own interpretation.
HOWARD
Emily, what are you talking about so far, sex right?
EMILY
A poem is more than just the words.
HOWARD
Don't start that crap. What is it, some big secret, come on,
what were you thinking about when you wrote this.
EMILY
I really can't recall.
HOWARD
Well, can you remember what you were wearing. Was it late at
night?
EMILY
I usually work in the mornings.
HOWARD
Okay, so early in the morning. Do you sleep in the nude?
EMILY
Gracious no!
HOWARD
So it's early in the morning and you're wearing your panties and
all you can think about is this snake in the grass. Like a
dream. Did this thought make you aroused?
EMILY
Writing always arouses me.
HOWARD
Wow. So you're writing and thinking and just waiting for a man
to come along, for this narrow fellow, okay now I'm getting it.
FRED
We need a break.
HOWARD
Okay, okay, off the air, you can you give me the details off the
air, I won't tell, promise. Back in a minute with sexually frustrated
poet Emily Dickinson . . .
|
![[simpleton]](img/simptitle.gif)
![[emily+howard]](img/emily-howard.gif)