![[simpleton]](img/dearsimp.gif)
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January 9, 1998
New ones Monday through Friday
Reader mail: Volume
12
The director's cut
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Make your voice heard! We're clearing out our cache of reader mail, and you,
the fabulous little people, are standing up to be counted. This is not just another
going out of business sale. Everything must go. Find out what people are
saying!
If you'd like a new sample from staff writer Dirk Sundance,
read
his latest alternative rock review.
Geof Kupperman
Director of Programming
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![[oh ducks, wonderful ducks!]](img/toys-quackalong.gif)
December 2: Kindertod
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Dear Simpleton,
If I had anything to advertise, I certainly would contact
you about it. But what would be an appropriate product...
Ah, I see pomegranates for some reason. Or kiwi fruit.
Now about the dangerous toys, thank you! I mean, as a kid,
you are supposed to have fun! Unless a toy bursts into flames
or can subvert our children's minds (Talking Barney. Who's to
say there aren't hidden messages in the audio? I could easily
see a subliminal ad for NT 5.0, and in classic MS style,
the denials and redirections will follow AFTER the damage)
I mean, why do we let kids ride bikes? They could ride into
traffic! And this whole letting them walk around thing! Tie em'
up, and see how much danger they are exposed to! Please.
Our children will become the sum of thier experiences. And
what if a friend of your child has one of the devil toys
and your child gets a complex because that toy is SOOO cool and
they can't play with it? I personally found the Tomy Ducks
so cute that I bought a set now just in case they are
discontinued. I mean really. There are so many other things that
we can work on instead of this that would be much more helpful
to everyone. Yeah, so maybe like 5 kids get hurt on some toy
because they used it improperly (like throwing it at sibling)
Why doesen't he crusade for mandatory literacy in our schools?
Or finding a way to give all kids a loving family to flourish in?
Or some way to stop child abuse, molestation, and AIDS babies?
Well, thanks for letting me get that out. Whew!
I look forward to more free thought from you guys every day.
Keep up the good work, simpleton.
John Beckner
brownanole@hotmail.com
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Dear John,
Do you know that
pomegranate is the strangest-looking fruit on the planet? Indeed, it
doesn't look like it should grow on this planet at all. I find it just a bit odd that
a fruit mentioned so prominently in the bible should show suspicious signs of having been
left here by limpid-eyed aliens. It is delicious though.
Sincerely,
tim
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Dear simpleton,
if clinton is bad, it looks like tony blair is worse. i don't know if
you 'yanks hear much of british news, but the bbc is king here in the
colonies. it seems that blair & his euro-cohorts are going to ban
everything that moves in the coming EU, if current performance is any
guide. and not only dangerous things will be prohibited, anything "bad"
shall be outlawed in the new human-rights-friendly europe (the people
who brought you the 100 years war). and no silly 'bill of rights' of
the individual to compete with the compelling interest of the state --
which in this case is consumerism unhampered by political debate. easier
after all to just ban it and let the lads get back to their pubs.
so they ban tobacco advertising, hunting, and US websites that contain
objectionable content. got a beef with someone? sue them for violating
your human rights. ( when you get down to it, isnt modern life just a
contest for who can screw whom out of their human rights? you live in
a gated community -- you're depriving me of my human rights to walk the
public streets. im a scary black man standing on the corner -- im
depriving you of your human rights to feel safe & secure on the street.)
as ken kesey said in "sailor song", they want to create a bug-free,
drug-free, thug-free world. but it turns out to be boring. and again,
the orson welles addition to the 3rd man:
"In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror,
murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love; they had
five hundred years of democracy and peace - and what did they produce?
The cuckoo clock."
not that i don't like knowing the time/date...
p.s. sorry for the monocapitalization -- ive been writing c all day.
Robert Ingram
ingram@ibl.bm
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dear robert,
you might want to read some of the
safety tips collected by sen. richard bryan (d. nev.), who at a special event held
at the sparks, nev. kmart, warned his constituents:
"a toy that looks like fun
could actually be a hazard in the hands of a child."
i believe it was also orson welles who said, "i've eaten more midnight snacks than elvis, and
pioneered the concept of eating one whole chicken before breakfast. i also directed
citizen kane, the magnificent ambersons, touch of evil and othello. and look at
pauly shore - he's skinny as a rail."
Sincerely,
tim
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![[spanking the poet]](img/emily-spank.gif)
December 19: More Poetry
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Dear simpleton,
A Haiku for you...
Pictures on your site
number too many for me.
get busted at work.
David Gill
gill@austin.metrowerks.com
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Every six months or so you're sure to read some news story about how Poetry is Back -
in the form of slams or a swinging new cafe life, etc. Based on
the outpouring of poetry from our readers, of which David's is one of the finer
specimens, we're wondering where it went in the first place...
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December 29: A Poem
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Dear simpleton,
sigmund freud was an anthropoid
in vienna he did dwell......
first came sex, then oedipus rex, and it all went staight to hell.....
can u tell me, old sig,
is your phallus that big?
is your genital phase in gear?
do u make love to mother; who's in love with her brother; who's decided
his father is queer..............
if it's all really true,
shall we canonize u?
or just tenderly cling to your name?
if we point toward vienna with an anal antenna will we pick up more of
the same?
john m turner
michael@wworld.com
http://www.wworld.com/users/michael/
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John M. Turner, drummer, guitarist and bassist, also responded to staff
writer Dirk Sundance's announcement
of his impending layoff, with tips on finding other employment. And he wasn't the only one. Just when we thought we were alone out
there in the tough job market, an outpouring of advice, good wishes and chin-ups from
you, the People, brought tears to the eyes of even the most hardened mailroom wags....
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Dear simpleton,
Subject: HOW DARE THEY FIRE YOU!
Please make it known:
Henceforth I am publicly protesting the possible loss of Tim's job! If you
take him off simpleton, I'll keep at least 4 of your readers away for good
and spread bad news that simpleton had finally gone tits up, and was
USELESS. And with 4 readers gone, you can't function!
I have just put up a web page and was about to add simpleton's link, but now
I'll hold off until I find out if Tim still has a job.
Face it, people, Tim IS simpleton. Who else can draw such zany cartoons? Who
else flames the fires of such hatred among the readers, and the fierce,
almost rabid loyalty of those of us who visit regularly? If you let these
petty office games and back-knifing antics flush your webpage down the
shitter, than you're NOT a company NOR the kind of people I choose to
associate with! Just when I thought things were looking up!!
Kate, Angry Viewer #5
PS - Tim, fwd this to your "bosses". Grrr. I think you're the best thing
that happened to this crappy webcorner!
Kate Eryn
katerin@voicenet.com
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Dear Kate,
Thanks for your spirited defense. And I'm happy that, in a separate letter,
you reported your own fortunes have taken a turn for the better since you became a
simpleton reader (indeed, you included the gratifying phrase:
"Q: Is it possible that an obscure web page could change a freak's life?
A: Aye. Only if it's simpleton.")
Unfortunately, the problem is not at Calzone, where my job is secure, but at my
day job, where it is apparently not. Such are the risks and vagaries of at-will
employment.
Sincerely,
Tim
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![[sing it lou!]](img/xmassinglou.gif)
December 22: Christmas Activities
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Dear Simplefolk,
Been a fan since the beginning. May Santa bring you all sufficient genital
friction & manifold sources of amusement come 1998. As it were.
--- John Voland,
Technology Dweeb-in-Chief
Variety/Daily Variety
Los Angeles, CA
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Dear John,
Oh sure, now that simpleton is catching on everybody's a fan since the beginning!
Seriously, though, couldn't you pull some strings and get us some kind of "Vox Groks
Cock's Knocks" article in Variety about the groundswell of public support for simpleton?
Hope you had a happy holiday, and a shiny new year.
Sincerely,
Tim
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![['atta boy!]](img/turk-ata.gif)
December 4: Rondo Alla Turca
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Dear simpleton,
Ataturk over Ali for "the Greatest"
Patrick McBride
pmcbride@concerts.com
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Dear Rogers,
Well, when everybody's in on a conspiracy it's not a conspiracy anymore. This Ataturk was
apparently egged on by Turkish journalists, but it's the people, Rogers, The People,
who are getting out there and voting. By the way, if you haven't voted lately, get in
there and plug for Ataturk.
Sincerely,
Tim
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![[slate begs]](img/slatesubscript.gif)
January 2: Give Us Free
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Dear simpleton,
Oh come on now. New Republic bashing? Where else can you find sortof
lefty writing in any depth? Not to mention a 3-page defense of O'Neil's
More Stately Mansions (fortunately published after it closed, thus not
actually causing anybody to attend one of the longest theatrical
experiences of my life--I've been at plays that ran 3 hours and I've
been at plays that seemed like 3 hours, but never before one that ran 3
1/2 and seemed like 7).
Personally, I'd pay for Slate on a per-minute basis, weighted by my
satisfaction with each article. As soon as they figure out how to do
that (shouldn't be impossible; that's the way the Met charges for
entrance, sort of), I'll sign up.
Alan
ASKORNHEISER@prodigy.net
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Dear Alan,
Actually, it's the New Republic's sortof leftiness that I find offensive. Give me the
hardcore preaching to the choir of The Nation any day. The New Republic is founded on
a black-is-white Jesuiticality that has no place in the fight against the global market.
Whose side are you on?
And as for O'Neil, here's a story (we're talking about Eugene O'Neil, right?). I read
Sydney Lumet's Making Movies and was so inspired by the director's clear devotion to his
craft, the level of intelligence he puts into composing every shot and working through
every style decision,
that I rushed right out and rented a copy of Long Day's Journey Into Night, the
film Lumet considers his masterpiece, plugged it in with eager anticipation, sat down
and pressed play ....
Longest 17 hours I've ever spent. And it was only a three hour movie.
Eugene O'Neil is why people stopped going to the theater.
Sincerely,
Tim
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Miscellaneous
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Dear simpleton,
I'm just curious if you put every letter you get on the letter page.
Mike Meyers (again)
mmeyers@du.edu
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Dear Mike,
Unfortunately, No. We'd like to include all letters, but even after today's special
offering, the mail room is still stocked with cablegrams and postcards.
So if your letter doesn't get printed in simpleton, keep trying, and rest assured that
even if you don't get a response, your letter is read, appreciated, and submitted to our
direct mail research department for psychographic research and resale to the highest
bidder.
Sincerely,
Tim
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