January 2: Give Us Free

Dear simpleton, I'd pay about as much to read a simpleton column as I would for a candy bar from the vending machine at work. They are equivalent activities for me: an excuse to goof off for a few minutes. I wouldn't be willing to subscribe to simpleton, though. It's not the money or the commitment; I just don't want to admit to an ongoing need to goof off. I wouldn't subscribe to candy bars by buying them in bulk either. I think this is the problem that Slate will have as well. Their articles are short enough to be read furtively before someone happens by and gives you that knowing look reserved for slackers. If they can find a way to charge, say, 25 cents each for those, "oh just a quick glance" kind of visits, I'll bet they get some takers. Kurt Shoens shoens@dnai.com

Dear Kurt, A cover price of 25 cents, unfortunately, puts us in direct price competition with the Newark Star Ledger, America's finest newspaper. If you've never read the Star Ledger you're in for a real treat. For a measley quarter (actually it might be 35 cents by now, but it's still cheap) you get a paper whose Saturday edition is fatter than most Sunday papers. Seriously: they give new meaning to the word Coverage. They'll publish a bylined article about a drunk driving arrest. They once ran a four-column, dual-byline story about a scary clown in Hopewell, NJ. They have two daily crossword puzzles. They're unstoppable. Against such a behemoth, how can simpleton's daily nugget hope to compete? Maybe through merchandising ...

Dear simpleton, if you aren't going to make a t-shirt that says "simpleton" and sell it, then I will. :) !!!srini srini@unamerican.com **************************************** unamerican activities "quality rebellion at affordable prices" http://www.unamerican.com ****************************************

Dear srini, How about we both make simpleton t-shirts, then get into a big public dispute over which one is the Original simpleton T? It'll be like the feud between the two guys who play Ben Franklin in Philly. Except that each of us could call himself "The Original Ray." Sincerely, Tim

January 6: Pre-American Gladiators

Dear Cameron,, Fantastic! Congrats! The article turned out well. I really like the beginning matches, especially Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono, ouch. So who would be fighting whom, the Mafia bosses of the Al Capone days versus the Roman leaders or perhaps a more suited match would be American political leaders and the Roman Empire's. I like it. You may have found your calling yet! Libby libby@eci.net

Dear Libby, Glad you liked it. I also got a few letters published in the simpleton's weekly Reader Mail segment - one was a comment on Richard Branson's attempt to bring back the glory days of the Gentleman Conqueror (you know, like Tarzan - man of noble blood raised by apes as a matter of course becomes their King). Tim says that if I can come up with one more appropriate article he will make me the simpleton Roving Correspondant on Fallen Empires. Wow, an actual title - this could be a first! So if you can think of any snappy subjects that relate to fallen empires (preferably obscure or underappreciated ones, like The Bronx), let me know. I'm going to go talk to my buddy the 50-year-old Scottish bartender at Barbar and see if he has any insight on the subject. See ya! Cameron

Dear Cameron, Thanks. That was funny AND nasty AND true. Also smart. Anybody who calls the collapse of Rome the Relocation is my kind of Byzantine guy. Good combination. Alan Kornheiser ASKORNHEISER@prodigy.net The Doctor Is IN

Dear Alan, Alan Kornheiser? THE Alan Kornheiser? Pleased and honored to make your acquaintance. Thanks for the positive feedback - all of my friends look at me like a crazed lunatic when I start comparing Caligula to Don Corleone. I hope to put together a series of pieces and make a bid for a permanent spot as the Roving Fallen Empires Correspondant for the Simpleton. Viva Byzantium! Cameron

December 8: Can This Meat Kill You?

Dear simpleton, Subject: Loveable Soybean guy .... ... looks a bit fay, don't you think? Just as well -- I prefer my legumes to be of ambiguous gender. Melissa J. Price mjprice@sirius.com

Dear Melissa, Mr. Soybean does indeed tend to think of himself as a kind of polysexual figure. "I find identity to be very much a malleable construct," he recently told an Entertainment Weekly reporter. "It's much more interesting when you define your own boundaries of what's 'normal' and 'acceptable,' rather than following these rigidly defined social signifiers. I find the question of whether I'm in a 'relationship' with Toucan Sam totally uninteresting. He's in a different place stylistically, but we don't tie each other down; we complement each other." "That's why I don't see my own interests necessarily being in conflict with a more traditional 'family'-oriented firm like Archer Daniels Midland." He winks. "In a sense, I'm a sexual supermarket to the world!" Sincerely, tim

January 9: Reader Mail: The Director's Cut

Dear simpleton, I find it just a bit odd that a fruit mentioned so prominently in the bible should show suspicious signs of having been left here by limpid-eyed aliens. Even more oddly, the pomegranate also features prominently in Greek mythology. It just gets more and more suspicious, doesn't it? Yoel Inbar yoel@lkout.com

Dear Yoel, So you're saying the Jews, the Greeks and the Aliens are all in this together? That might explain this whole Neo-Pagan angle. It also might explain why the following letter was delivered to Calzone President and CEO H. Peabody Briggs ....

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Dear Debra, While Mr. Briggs is a Methodist, we made sure to forward your message to Geof Kupperman, our director of programming. In an upcoming Very Special Episode of our hit Simpleton Nights sitcom, Geof will do some soul searching as he rediscovers and learns to value his Jewish roots. The episode will climax in a heartfelt exchange as Raheem Malik joins Geof for an instructional passover Seder. Look for some pretty wacky cultural exchanges. At one point, Geof mentions the practice of blowing the Shofar, and Raheem exclaims "Man, them Jews know how to treat the help!" Watch your local TV listings for dates and times. Sincerely, tim

We're running low on mail. Anybody still reading simpleton? Send a letter and let us know. of writing. Previously in simpleton: Tuesday: Strata-gems: Staying with our own kind Monday: Dad's Day Off: simpleton for kids Friday: Reader Mail: The Director's Cut Thursday: Food Chain: Getting eaten by the big fish Wednesday: Reader Mail: Volume 12 Tuesday: Pre-American Gladiators: Is the Empire about to fall? Monday: Theme casinos: 1998 versions A century of simpletons in the simpleton archive. Tomorrow: Resident Aliens