[simpleton]

Earth's finest

January 20, 1998
New ones Monday through Friday

Men In Black, Aliens In White

By Josh Ozersky

"Hello, Hello....is there anybody out there?" begins a song on Pink Floyd's The Wall, the final word on alienation for 80s youth - but not, to my knowledge, one of the sounds the National Aeronautics and Space Administration chose to represent our species in their interstellar broadcasts. Perhaps it was hard for NASA to imagine advanced organisms responding to the atmospheric double album's guitar-seared angst, they being presumably in a position to know.

Who can say? Unless you swallow the multiple absurdities in the Air Force's official Roswell story, you're free to believe NASA has real knowledge of aliens, while the rest of America is going on hearsay and hopeless longing.

We're coming off a banner year in extraterrestrial lore. Men in Black carried the summer, while the Mars probe rolled to its premature end on the surface of the red planet (that none of Sojourner's findings seemed to support 1996's Martian life hubbub was largely ignored). The fiftieth anniversary of the Roswell visitation was celebrated, and in the Gumpish Contact, Jodie Foster's line "You downloaded my memories" stood out as the year's most unfortunate phrase. And the trend seems nowhere near its end. Last week, a Croatian farmer named Jako Vrancic talked turkey with four ETs who landed in his field. Unsurprisingly, Vrancic described his guests as "quite short" and with "the frame of a child."

It's always easy to regret that these short, childlike and inscrutable beings seem to prefer the company of farmers to that of Nobelists, given what they might tell us about world peace, antimatter, and so on. But then, it's more likely that we like them for what they don't know.

[alien]

Space aliens are the great innocents, the blank slates upon which secular Americans project the negative of worldly corruption. Just look at them - their tiny bodies and huge heads attesting to their great intelligence and disembodied, passionless nature. They have enormous eyes and no mouths to speak of, suggesting that they are born observers with little to offer in terms of advice or command - unlike the dark-suited authority figures who are their opposites. The aliens also never wear clothes. They tend to be described as either gray or off-white - an elegant brushstroke, given the ambivalence we feel toward them. (Are they out to help us? Or do they see us a experimental animals, fit only for brainwashing and rectal probes?)



[hi mom!]

These questions have been with us for years now. The genius of the X-Files' enduring popularity may lie in its very lack of originality, in the way it's predicated on wide audiences' being familiar with the idea of sinister bureaucrats coming between us and our cosmic neighbors. This myth has already coalesced into cliche, summed up neatly by Charles Portis in his 1990 book Gringos - "there were government agents to fear, so efficient in their neat business suits and gray Plymouths. They would spirit the [alien] body away to a hangar at some remote air base and then deny all knowledge of it with their fixed smiles."

So these organization men, with their walkie-talkies and conspiratorial ways, are the counterpoint to the open, cosmic knowledge represented by the aliens. Forty years ago, Americans might have counted on "G-men" to protect us from the depredations of bug-headed space aliens. Before the 1960s extraterrestrials were usually portrayed as monstrous and aggressive, an occasion for displays of might. Popular psychology explains the scary aliens of the past as figments of Cold War paranoia or as the monsters spawned by button-down America's sleep of reason. The swollenly cerebral features of the post-Close Encounters extraterrestrial, by contrast, seem only to promise deliverance from the squalid circuit of daily life - promise frustrated by the circles of power here on earth.

[alien bombers]

For proof of this, one need point no futher than the spate of trial coverage we have been seeing in recent years. Militiamen may be worked up about the Government -- Tim McVeigh apparently was upset about David Koresh's harsh treatment in particular -- but for most Americans the veil of power rests on the American Bar Association. It would be hard to underestimate the amount of bitterness felt by nearly all strata of society toward lawyers and their wealthy clients. The decade-spanning Unabomber saga, and the misguided mainstream cult it bred, may have been our most compelling expression of technocratic frustration. Like the alien story, this one was shrouded in mystery and symbolized by a composite sketch. But, as if to demonstrate the limits of human attainment, this outlaw romance has come to a shabby end, in the debates over a patently insane man's missing underpants. Try beaming that to outer space!

In the face of such ethical gamesmanship, it's not hard to spot the appeal of the aliens: Not moral correctness, but moral neutrality. Human elites play upon class and race prejudice; the aliens never do that, because they are no respecters of persons. Humans make elaborate psychological defenses; the aliens have no psychology to speak of. You don't have to call them "alleged" abductors, and you don't see their hired apologists lying for them on TV. And when they're gone, they stay gone.

[little miss universe]

The distinction here may not be otherworldly omniscience against human weakness so much as innocence versus experience. And here the struggle to attain the Zen state of the aliens finds an odd parallel in the real news. John Ramsey may have successfully used an army of lawyers and a pliant police force to clear himself of his beauty queen daughter's molestation/murder. Whether he killed his own daughter or (as DNA evidence now indicates) the crime is part of some wheels-within-wheels plot involving an outsider, Ramsey has famously subverted the investigation and is now pretty much unprosecutable, an affront to every tabloid-buying American. The mere fact that they entered their daughter in those sinister pageants is reason enough to despise the Ramseys, and the human race in general.

Part of the JonBenet outrage is the sight of an unsullied child grotesquely made up with adult cosmetics and hair styling. To note that aliens eschew such worldly vanities is to trivialize the crime; but the two stories often appear on opposite pages of the same tabloids. Just how far is it from the crowd of deferring police, lawyers, and public-relations flacks dragging around JonBenet's murdered body to that image of the Roswell alien's innocent corpse, stolen, hidden, and dissected for secret purposes by the military? Lost forever to human eyes, defiled, and exploited even in death. Divest the two scenes of their accidents, and the essence that remains is the stink of secrets, the hasteful scurrying of sinners, and "the sneer of cold command," of Shelly's Ozymandias, reeking across the ages and the gulfs of space as well.


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Previously in simpleton:



Monday: America's Funniest! Keep em laughing!
Friday: Be Your Own CEO Dynamic Change Reinvention
Thursday: Lucy the Elephant Strikes Back
Wednesday: Reader Mail: Volume 13
Tuesday: Strata-gems: Staying with our own kind
Monday: Dad's Day Off: simpleton for kids
Friday: Reader Mail: The Director's Cut


A century of simpletons in the simpleton archive.


Tomorrow:

Reader mail, volume 14