![[simpleton]](img/dearsimp.gif)
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January 21, 1998
New ones Monday through Friday
Reader mail:
Volume 14
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To our readers:
Staff writers Dirk Sundance and Ford Buckley have voluntarily checked themselves into
the Betty Ford Clinic. In their absence, we're presenting an abbreviated Reader Mail.
Readers who insist on a new essay by the staff and/or management of simpleton are
urged to read our
story on
auto-erotic asphyxiation, currently running, with
first-rate layout and graphics, in the little-known but excellent
Request Line.
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![[our forefather at his ease]](img/johnson-tv.gif)
December 9: On the Vanity of Innovation
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Dear simpleton,
Delightful. Everyone quotes dear Dr Johnson, but none reads him. I have
myself carried Boswell across great oceans, only to read back issues of
PC Computing and watch bad movies rather than open the book. The
cross-reference to The Idler was especially appropriate. See: creeping
literacy. A dangerous thing.
Alan
ASKORNHEISER@prodigy.net
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Sir,
It is a matter of frequent and dolorous observation that while Nature often ostends
opportunities for improvement, we generally squander these happy chances in our
indolence. Ply your book in your idle hours, for no later regret will atone for a
chance unacquitted.
I am, Sir, &c.
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Yo simpleton rocks
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Dear simpleton,
That article in Addicted to Noise about the Spice Girls was fabulous.
I then visited the home page to see if the rest of their site was
like that, and I get hit with a graphic of Metallica and a quote
about their "desire to keep evolving their music." Ugh. Maybe in the
canon of corporate pop music, the real purpose of a band like the
Spice Gals is to make other mediocre bands look like ar-teests
in comparison.
Keep up the good work in simpleton. More wacky cartoons!
Sincerely,
The Fighting Priest Who Can Talk to the Young
basehead@europa.com
--
Oh no, here it comes again, that funny feeling.
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Dear Father,
I feel we really need to continue to grow artistically here at simpleton. The
sort of bottom-line mentality that we get from corporate frankly hampers us from
doing what we need to do. We have many selves, and there are only so many ways to
express your message. You know, I feel that when you put on a new persona, it becomes
you, you don't become it. Sure, we could just continue doing the same formulas because
people respond to formulas, but if it's not interesting for us what's the point? People
aren't expecting the same thing from us. We have to suprise, and surprise again. And
we have to please ourselves first. That's what we truly believe.
Sincerely,
Tim
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![[policemen know my dad's name]](img/timjr-cops.gif)
January 12: Dad's Day Off!
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Dear simpleton,
Your drawings continue to be an inspiration. I like them because they all have
pinheads, just like me.
Melissa
mjprice@sirius.com
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Dear Melissa,
You're a pinhead too? Wow! We really should have little pinhead get-togethers, where
we hold hands and dance in a circle on the grass and run up and hug passersby. It's
like that old CCR song says:
You don't need a pinhead
Just to hang around
Tim
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Dear simpleton,
Subject:Little Timmy confirmed my opinion that...
"Simpleton is the South Park of webzines!"
--S.S. Pratt, thefinger.com
an unsolicited endorsement!
1,000 household uses!
no higher praise!
Sincerely,
S.S. Pratt
ersatz@echonyc.net
The Finger
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Dear Sam,
So does this mean we can pull some half-assed South Park-style gimmicks? I'm thinking
we can have head of investor relations Holden Chutney get killed every week, and
sell "They Killed Holden!" t-shirts at participating Roy Rogers restaurants
nationwide.
Sincerely
Tim
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![[brezhnev]](img/doll-brezhnev.gif)
January 13: Strata-gems
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Dear simpleton,
Subject:Bad address choice
Though a recognizable symbol of the labor movement, albeit a less than
desirable one, the Hoffa name in no way should be associated with the
sentiment "Power to the People" any more than it sadly already is. Jommy
Hoffa was a politicking, embezzling scoundrel whose only care for the
labor movement was how much money he could squeeze from the pockets of
the rank and file. The real representatives of labor should be the
reform movement who, rising up against the oppressive hypocrisy of the
Hoffa cronyism, made significant advances in democratizing the unions
and protecting the workers. Hoffa, the Sr. and Jr. should both remain
off the domain of simpleton.com if the noble virtues expressed in your
column are to be believed.
Hayden Brockett (It was a great column)
redrum6@hotmail.com
--
Hayden Brockett ICQ: 1485253
"Just because something can't be, doesn't mean it isn't."
"All absolutes are incorrect, including this one."
-Both by me (as far as I know, tho' I do
realize how many people have
said similar things before)
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Dear Hayden,
The use of the Hoffa name as a simpleton email address in no way implies a relationship
between Calzone Inc. and the teamsters union, nor is it intended to disparage the
Hoffa family.
I guess you know, however, that Jimmy Hoffa's campaign to head the union was
identified by the title "Teamsters for a corruption-free union." In other news, Koko
is said to be campaigning to rid the world of intelligent gorillas.
Sincerely,
tim
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Dear simpleton,
Just a quick wave of the cyber-paw to commend you on the fine class
piece in today's simpleton. It's so rare to find anything sensible, let
alone thoughtful and coherent, on the subject, that it was all I could
do to refrain from breaking into howls of gratitude, and thereby making
my workmates even more alarmed about me than they already are....
As ever,
Chris Lehmann
lehmann@newsday.com
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Dear Chris,
The great advantage of newsroom culture is that it encouraged howls of
gratitude at the expense of fatcat rentier capitalists. Howl, I say Howl!
Sincerely,
tim
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![[miracle group]](img/miraclegroup.gif)
January 16: Be Your Own CEO
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Dearest Dick:
As my Miracle mentor you have long inspired me to get up and go
somewhere, so this is
just a note of gratitude. Since taking your workshop in Boca Raton and in
New Rochelle
I have fired my own ass so many times it's not even funny. Every morning
I piss in a
cup and sip it and if it tastes "funny," I fire myself again. It's a good
thing I've
embezzled so much from myself or I would never subsist in lean times.
"Screw the
Team, " and your other mantra from the early days of your system, "It's
not the size of
your balls, it's their geometric configuration," have long been rallying
cries, and
sometimes a really good cry is all you need. I will probably be dead
soon, from one
thing or another, but I just want to thank you Dick, for all the laughs
and wisdom along
the way.
Best,
Nestor Drydock
lipsyte@feedmag.com
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Dear Nestor,
"It's not the size of
your balls, it's their geometric configuration," is a rallying cry of the Quality Change
Fundamentals movement, not of Dick Miracle's patented "Dynamic Change Reinvention"
technology. The principles of Quality Change Fundamentals have been
completely discredited by Mr. Miracle in
his book, Hotlinking to Success: How we can remake the American culture of excellence
and restore competitiveness in the marketplace!
Guards! This man is an imposter!
tim
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We're happy to see that the simpleton domain still attracts its share of misdirected
mail, such as the following missive to "Missy@simpleton.com."
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Dear Missy,
Thought you'd enjoy this Aunt Alice sent, since you're so creative.
Kisses
Mother
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ENGLISH
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is neither egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and
hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of
booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of
odds
and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you
bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for
the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet
that
smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise
guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a
lot
and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and
cold
as hell another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or
experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was
combobulated,
gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring
chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in
which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of
the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when
I wind up this essay, I end it.
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Dear Mother,
How many times do I have to tell you? Stop calling me Missy! I'm a boy, Mother,
a boy! I know you always wanted a girl, but I'm through playing dress-up
(except at Thanksgiving), and
I'm done with that stupid name. It's a little kid's name, Mother. If you're not going
to use my real name, you can at least call me Margaret.
Sincerely,
tim
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Dear simpleton,
Does the fact that you're running low on letters mean your "sad sack"
story contest has ended?
I refuse to believe it. If ever there existed a form of
communication which allowed people to bitch unendingly, this has got
to be it.
What about all those people affected by the ice storm? Surely they
could come up with a prizewinner. I wish I could, but I'm on the
west coast and it's actually kind of warm here...did I mention I'm
going skiing this weekend? At Whistler? See, now hearing that might
make people want to put finger to keyboard and complain about how
they aren't skiing at a top-ranked hill. And did I mention the free
passes I got through work so noone who is coming with me has to pay
the $60 lift ticket? Or the cheap luxury condo I'm getting through a
supplier? See, these things surely would serve to highlight the shit
lives that I know are out there right now. For example, I'll also be
enjoying this with a select group of good friends, so you know even
when the hill has closed, the party just won't stop. I'm taking two
days off work to do this. Paid.
This is a lucky break for me, and I know if people were to read this,
they surely would decide that they could at least turn those frowns
upside down by writing you a letter decrying their meagre existences,
thus possibly winning something. I once won a Tripod t-shirt online.
And some fridge magnets & notepads from the CBC Realtime site.
Hope this inspires some of your sadder readers to get up off their
depressed asses and write you.
Warmest regards,
Jennifer
jgoos@wasserman-partners.com
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"Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations..." -Mendosa.
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Dear Jennifer,
Our Queen for a Day contest continues, and all participants are eligible to win cash
prizes. You'll be happy to know that all the delayed cash prizes have been mailed out
today, and several lucky winners around the country will be receiving a special surprise
in the mail!
The lack of entertaining sob stories is due to a seeming decline in interest from our
readers. All I can say is, Get on the stick, people! Our awards are not a sales
gimmick. These are real cash prizes! Dozens of satisfied winners!
Send in a story that will make us feel sorry for you. Win a cash prize.
Sincerely,
tim
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