January 23: Youth Discipline Industry News

Dear simpleton, First of all, I'm not one of the herd when it comes to social issues. Where all the other good little conscientious sheep prance to the jaunty step of the Almighty Media, making a fuss here and there but still following anyway, I'm off somewhere looking for the good eats on the ground, maybe rolling in some sunshine. But this latest bullshit concerning these "Prison Camps" for teenagers is a burr in my wool. My bleating commences. The very idea of sending children to a removed location to teach them what their parents obviously cannot is the most repugnant practice I have ever come across. Where is the psychological good in blaming a child for his *learned* behavior? Why are we allowing our children to be punished - PHYSICALLY and emotionally- for a parental error? Send the parents to the fucking camps, see if they like them. They're the ones at fault, here. This is a clear case of child abuse in my opinion. Nevermind the fact that we as a nation are growing so cosmically lazy that we can justify someone else taking over the upbringing of our children, but we also incorporate Tasers, pepperspray, mace and physical restraints as laudable methods of negative reinforcement. It is my personal opinion that any wild child is the direct result of a lack of parental supervision. And if the parents are present, they are contributing to the child's perception that screwing off and skipping school and kicking puppies are acceptable forms of social behavior. The Torture Camps dominate these babies who have adapted and learned the pattern set before them, force them to submit upon threat of physical pain, and parents cheer and settle in for a nice vacation. How grossly negligent this country is if we allow this to continue. How guilty we all are by sitting there and watching these angry teenagers being ripped from their families by "experts" and manhandled into early adulthood. And some asshole has the balls to say that "the market tends to react in a negative sense" if a child in these modern-day Auschwitz camps dies from pepperspray? "That first chokehold really establishes the relationship in terms of who's in charge." Pardon me?!? Are we now saying it's legal for adults to overpower and assault underage children simply because the parent says so? I'm sure legal guardianship does not have a Beat My Child clause; millions of children are rescued from abusive parents by social workers and programs that have the **Safety of the Child** in mind. I need to make something clear. There is definitely a need and a place for "Behavior modification" schools, where the wryly coined "freedom loving teens" and "independent-minded" students are given the right set of morals and values, etc, that most parents strive for. There is NOT, however, any rational justification on this planet why children are being beaten, victims of pepper spray, stun guns, billy clubs, "cuffed, shackled and trussed", mostly in the genital area because "we've found [it] the fastest way to neutralize a problem." How are problems defined? "..teens who shout, spit, talk out of turn." I don't see any mention of murder, assault, or sleeping with White House Interns. Bill gets a slap on the wrist and the kids get a prison sentence. Sincerely, Kate Eryn katerin@voicenet.com

Dear Kate, As always, you're full of piss and vinegar; we were only able to reproduce a portion of your angry letter. It is the sworn duty of Youth Discipline Industry News to provide full and immediate coverage of the teen suppression industry. We prefer to leave our sources anonymous, but rest assured, Bill Clinton will have his intern problem corrected at a special camp for chubby children. Sincerely, Tim

Dear simpleton, Isn't it shocking to think that when my old-fashioned parents wanted me to leave the house and never come back, they just kicked me the fuck out and told me to live or die as I saw fit? Looks like those halcyon days are over! As a graduate of the school of fuck-ups, I have to say that I find YDIN to be just so very sad. All of my violent indiscretions were only met by the force of the State when I committed them in the public arena: as long as I stayed crazy and mean at home, my parents had to fight me without the help of armed goons. Bar-owners and motel night-managers had no such restrictions on them, and I have seen my share of nylon wrist/ankle restraints (Ouch! Let me go, you pig!). And stun guns! Sheesh! When my brutal stepfather wanted to restrain me, he knocked me the fuck down and beat me with a belt, the good old-fashioned American way! What is wrong with parents these days? It's like they don't feel any responsibilty for the horror that ill-considered, youthful reproduction can bring on them later in life. There they are, in their 30's and ready to finally begin enjoying life, but there's this darn teenager ruining it all. Couldn't he just be *taken away* to somewhere where he can get the help that he needs? You quote one satisfied customer: Thank you for giving me back my little girl who is now a young woman thanks to your caring, dedication and compassion. Talk about letting someone else clean up your own messes! And these re-education camps: when I needed to get the hell out of town and had noplace to go, I joined the fucking military! Sure I was discharged pretty quickly, but I learned a valuable lesson and I didn't need some underpaid, over-armed goon to hustle me onto the bus -- I put my own hand in the fire. Now I'm married and in my thirties. I have a job and a dog and I like to go swimming in the ocean when the water is warm and the waves aren't to choppy. I'm even reading Underworld. Do you think I am going to blow all of that by creating a filthy, rebellious teenager out of the thin air? Not on your life, mate. And those that do should have to take their own bitter medicine, and smile while it's going down. Robert Ingram ingram@ibl.bm

Dear Robert, Didn't you have to walk five miles to school in your bare feet, too? It's the strangest thing - when my parents really wanted to punish me, they made me read Don DeLillo. Sincerely Tim

January 15: Lucy the Elephant Strikes Back

Dear simpleton, Subject: A hurrah from Margate Love the Atlantic City "tribute". I found out that you had writtten that from a friend that I had told about your site. The last one I read was the theme casinos, which was great. I think we should vote you the new mayor! Talk at ya soon, April Steelbunns@aol.com

Dear April, I've often thought of myself as the mayor of Atlantic City type, but I don't think I'm cut out to handle the jail time. Sincerely, tim

Another letter to Imus

Dear Don, where can I get videos of past shows. Any thing like a "best of Imus" tape. My 6' 9" bass playing partner(2 man band) doesn't get msnbc.....It's a must that he come to know all you nut cases. I'm tempted to stay home from work every morning so I can watch the show. Rich Hughes redshoes@computer-concepts.com

Dear Rich, I don't "get" MSNBC either. I mean, there's Tom Brokaw and Stone Phillips and all, but then they have all this stuff with Bill Clinton and some girl, and a bunch of stuff about foreigners, and it's all like way over my head. Sincerely, Don Imus

More outrage from Hayden Brockett

Dear simpleton, Your use of the word "mailman" in relation to the simpleton domain, is both misguided and deplorable. The image of a mailman is an outdated and stereotypical one, serving only as a devisive means of postal service disparagment. With the years of hardship these fine men and women have endured, the obdurate and obstinate obstreperousness to delivering mail on time has been a hallmark of their service, one which deserves nothing but admiration. Tenacity is a dying virtue in American society, and the recent rash of ribald rabble-rousers with guns illustrates this facet of the postal service's character. I, for one, will not stand for such outrageous and unfounded abuse of the noble, proud and pertinacious mail-carriers! Hayden Brockett redrum6@hotmail.com

Dear Hayden, You ought to see the angry letters I got from the stewardesses! Sincerely, tim

January 22: The Name Game

Dear "Felix Montanez", I feel your pain. As Kathleen Jones, I have had to contend with name confusion all my life. When I was younger, I went by Kathy, which was worse. Kathy Jones sounds like a name that you would make up to sign on a hotel register if you didn't want anyone to know who you really were. This was a contributing factor in my decision to go by my full name As quick experiment, I looked my name up on AltaVista today, and came back with 320 hits. (There are over 700 hits for Kathy Jones.) It seems that I have forgotten many accomplishments: I wrote a book on mental asylums; I was sued for credit card fraud; I studied Japanese racehorses; I chaired meetings of the Cariboo Presbytery of the United Church of Canada; I worked as an insurance broker; I taught social policy at York University; I served on several school boards; I made the 7th grade honor roll in La Grange, IL; I trained professional clarinetists in Puerto Rico; I served as the registrar at Iowa State University; I won best in show for my Seahorse collection at the 1997 Clallam County fair; I worked as an administrator at Stanford University; I graduated from McLean High School in 1962; I communed with spirits in Oahu; I was persecuted for being a Wiccan in North Carolina; I acted in an Australian production of "Naughty Marietta"; I ran a Mobil gas station in Howell; I passed away on February 19th... (One of these is actually me. Any guesses? Out of the 200 that AltaVista showed, 4 of the hits referenced the Kathleen Jones who is writing you this message.) "Kathleen Jones" is the sample name in a Eudora tutorial. The packaging for black Sharpie markers has a picture of a box on it. The name on the address on the box? Kathy Jones. And the list goes on. There is a Kathleen Jones who lives a few blocks from me and goes to the same pharmacy and the same hairstylist, which has caused multiple headaches. And people wonder why I say that having a common name is the bane of my existence. It's because it's true. Thank you for bringing up this important issue. Not that we can do anything about it, besides changing our names en masse. Yours in commonality, "Vivian DuBois"

Dear Vivian, You strike me as the Anne Morrow Lindberg "Gift from the Sea" type, so I'm putting my money on you as the winner in the seahorse competition. Am I right? This is a mighty impressive CV. I'm sorry to hear that you're dead, but I understand that happens to some of the nicest people. Sincerely, Felix

Dont just stare at the screen - Send a letter! Previously in simpleton: Tuesday: Hooray for Hollywood: Part 3 Monday: Super Bowl Survey. What are people saying? Friday: Youth Discipline Industry News: The Voice of the teen suppression market since 1979 Thursday: The Name Game: Who do they think they am? Wednesday: Reader Mail: Volume 14 Tuesday: Men in Black, Aliens in White Monday: America's Funniest! Keep em laughing! A century of simpletons in the simpleton archive. Tomorrow: Simpleton's Big Adventure