![[simpleton]](img/thesimp.gif)
A science break
February 3, 1998
New ones Monday through Friday
It's All About Inertia!
A self help essay
By Barry Bolder
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Dear Sirs,
So taken was I with
Mr. Miracle's comments on
self improvement, that I felt compelled to dash off the following missive, a
characteristic excerpt from my bestselling book The Secrets of My Success.
I'm sure your readers will be excited to learn some of these simple tips for better
living.
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It's all about inertia. Just ask some of the leading Nobel Prize-winning
physicists. They'll
tell you of the many important ways you can use inertia to help you.
Take Barry Sanders, for instance. Nobody can
tackle him. The Jets couldn't, and they are professional football
players, professional tacklers. Why not? Inertia. It's that simple.
Inertia is all about going someplace, stopping, and then going someplace
else. If you go to the other place while the people are still going to
the first place, then you are effectively using inertia. I wouldn't be
telling you about inertia if I didn't think it could improve your
health, quality of life, and relationship with the universe.
![[inertia - two examples]](img/inertia-spaceship.gif)
Inertia. Say it a few times. Roll it over your tongue. Remember--
this isn't momentum! Momentum is a word for football commentators.
Momentum is a bowling ball crashing into pins. Momentum is that cartoon
snowball that keeps getting bigger and bigger. Don't ever mix up
momentum and inertia or you'll be cheating yourself and your family. Do
you want to spend your life running from giant snowballs? Do you want
to sound like John Madden?
I'm often asked, "How do you harness inertia?" First of all,
feel your mass. Mass isn't
such a tough word; it just means your weight. You don't have to have a
degree in chemistry to understand the word mass. Sway back and forth.
Feel your mass! Realize that you are a terrible juggernaut. Try this:
the next time you are in the mall, hang around one of those tables piled
high with sweaters. Wait for the arrival of one of those heavy women
with curly hair - the sort of
woman who once would have scared you. When she chooses a sweater, take
hold of the other end. Pull the sweater towards your chest with a firm
and even motion, not so much that she loses her grip, but enough to
control her mass. Then let it go. I think you will be pleasantly
surprised at the result. You will be pleasantly surprised at the result
of inertia.
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I use inertia all the time, and it has improved my self esteem about my
body. Before I stumbled upon this simple but powerful concept people
called me derogatory names like "lard ass," "jelly belly," "equator belt,"
"fatty," and "sink hole," but now that I have harnessed inertia people call
me names like "freight train," "willy nilly," "steam roller," and "spearhead."
Try this: the next time you are at your cousin's house for Thanksgiving,
and there aren't enough real chairs, so people are using card table
chairs, do this: wait near the grandfather clock behind the card table
and just as your aunt is about to sit down, swiftly pull the chair away.
Once again, you will have successfully employed inertia!
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![[inertia in action]](img/inertia-chart.gif)
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You can control your life, your body, your relationship with the
physical world around you. I'm not some four-eyed physicist talking
about equations and computers; I'm a guy like you who just happened to
stumble on the positive benefits of inertia. Give it a whirl, you'll
see.
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