Dear simpleton, You ignore, surely by for reasons of length rather than lack of appreciation, that all-time ultimate British Gentleman Adventurer, Captain Sir Richard Burton. Sir Richard really DID all that Boy's Adventure stuff that we so easily make fun of. Found the source of the Nile, while out of his skull with disease; visited Mecca on the haj; translated great poetry, and did it well; spoke every language you can think of; had sex with every foreign woman you can think of (which is how he learned the languages); spoke with commoners and kings and treated both the same; and returned to his own beloved England and own beloved wife, both of which/whom he truly did love and both of which/whom bored him silly. When he died, his body was discovered to be covered entirely with scars, for which nobody has a decent explanation: the man even exited life elegantly. It's easy to make fun of the British gentleman; by and large they were arrogant, badly educated, horribly racist, and not very bright. Their decendents are, as you note, much worse; I call to your attention the old Monty Python Upper-Class Twit Suicide Olympics. But once, once... Alan Kornheiser ASKORNHEISER@prodigy.net

Dear Alan, You were right. We left Burton out for space reasons, but still tried to get in an oblique reference to the White Nile. Burton's Haj, though officially the work of a pretender, may not have been as insincere as the Royal Geographical Society supposed. Burton was an religious itinerant, who dabbled in Tantric, Hinduism and Catholicism in search of the gnosis. For a while he joined the Qadiriyya Sufi sect, and was active in mystical Shi'ism. I got all this from a book called One Thoudand Roads to Mecca by Michael Wolfe. It's probably another sign of our decrepit age that Burton's dilettante dabbling in exotic religions involved more mental and physical energy than even the most strenuous pieties of our own age. Even the Haj is a breeze these days. Unless you're an Iraqi. Sincerely, Tim

January 27: Hooray for Hollywood: Part III

Dear simpleton, What about Richard Linkletter's ULYSSES? Imagine Leo Bloom wandering around Austin, bumping into people, having random conversations, maybe carrying around Madonna's pap smear instead of that potato--and in the end, there's a rambling, punctuationless Parker Posey monologue. Next stop, Sundance. Ben Auburn sparky@renegadeduck.com www.renegadeduck.com/plank/

Dear Ben, Well, Linklater already gave away the game with Slacker. As I recall, Slacker even features an extended quote from the Ithaca chapter - Ulysses being pretty much the touchstone book for people with too much time on their hands. But I'll bring your idea up. Really, Ben, I love your work. Sincerely, Tim

January 15: Be Your Own CEO

Dear Mr Miracle, I loved the value add of this story. It fits well within the scope of simpleton with little or no scope creep - but we'll take that off-line. Your definitions and mission are a clearly defined missive. Let's meet to suss out a plan of attack, and we should have an article out by Q3. Laars Huundengaard

Dear Laars, As part of our new strategy of positioning the simpleton brand, we hope to include more pieces like Mr. Miracle's in the future. Yesterday's discussion of the Forces that effect you was the first of what we hope will be many empowering new essays. Unfortunately, Mr. Miracle was unable to respond to you directly, as he is at his secret motivational island in the South Pacific. Look for his upcoming show on UPN. Sincerely, tim

Miscellaneous

Dear simpleton, Simpleton kicks ass, mainly due to the insightful writing and the lack of crack-smoking rabbits. Thanks! Adam - Toronto, Ontario, Canada adam@inhouse.ca

Dear Adam, Thanks for the kind word, O Neighbor to the North, but I still have a special place for those crack-smoking rabbits. Sincerely, tim

Astute readers of last week's Reader Mail will have spotted two letters - by Robert Ingram and "Vivian DuBois" - featuring sob stories so heart-rending that they had our panel of judges wailing like banshees. Cash prizes have accordingly been awarded to both Robert and Vivian. Where's your awful story? Cash prizes await.

Dont just stare at the screen - Send a letter! Previously in simpleton: Tuesday: It's all about Inertia! A self help guide Monday: Pipe Dreams: Taking the pulse of your own delusions Friday: Disks of Food: A family restaurant for the nineties! Thursday: Extinct is Forever: What if adventure died in the forest .... Wednesday: Reader Mail: Volume 15 Tuesday: Hooray for Hollywood: Part 3 Monday: Super Bowl Survey. What are people saying? A century of simpletons in the simpleton archive. Tomorrow: Kissing butts through the ages