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February 25, 1998
New ones Monday through Friday

Reader mail:

Volume 18

February 12: Technical Difficulties

Dear simpleton, Come back soon. You are sorely missed. You've got to help us out though. Are these technical difficulties V.D. related, or perhaps legal troubles from the real youth suppression industry? If goons from suck/feed/salon are bothering you, just let us know, we'll take care of it for you. Ivy Leaguer

Dear simpleton, You motherfuckers at simpleton have just ruined the one thing I had to look forward to today. Please cancel my subscription-- you won't be getting any more money from me. I am also writing a letter of complaint to your major sponsors. If this magazine wasn't on-line I'd wipe my ass with it. Instead I will press my butt cheeks on my 17 inch monitor. Smell that. A Concerned Reader in New Jersey dpell@ix.netcom.com

Dear simpleton, You had promised us all an exciting addition to the Chris_k2 and Deathbeast saga... This is worse than the 'who shot J.R. cliffhanger"! (back to 80's cliche's). Anyway, just wanted you to know that all of your faithful fans have been crushed...way to go man! I've lost my faith in humanity thanks to you! (My mom was right when she said 'life isn't fair') I Hope you don't let us down on Monday! Motown. Phil Small psmall@po-box.mcgill.ca

Like Titanic, our special feature Wankers of Arabia was a project of unusually large scope and ambition, and as such was subject to overruns and delays. We regret the inconvenience, and in order to allay concerns, I have taken James Cameron's lead in personally foregoing my fee and points. And the similarities don't end there:

December 16: Is that in your pocket a Babel Tower?

Dear simpleton, The final piece on last (Thursday, 2/12/98) night's "All Things Considered" on NPR was about Babelfish. As I first heard of this website in "Simpleton," I thought that you might be interested. It was pretty good, and I think you can hear it via NPR.ORG. I'm still enjoying your efforts. Oh, who is the AS Kornheiser guy??? Cheers, Sheila (Sheila08@hotmail.com)

Dear Sheila, The Babelfish project (a brief but witty assessment of which can be found in the current issue of Mother Jones) continues to amuse the American people, as we shall see. As for the true identity of Alan Kornheiser, well, as always, we prefer to let the man speak for himself:

January 30: Disks of Food:

Dear simpleton, Branden MOHEL? Oh that's sick. And as one who's eaten at several Disks of Food restaurants both in and outside the US, allow me to point out that the term "bug" must be taken literally at these establishments. Those of us who are interested in real food, and in nonmicro portions, always patronize the Mainframe Cafe, conveniently located in an attractive glass-roomed environment near you. Alan ASKORNHEISER@prodigy.net The Doctor Is Downloading His Lunch

Dear Alan, Disks of Food restaurants lost their appeal for me when the staff stopped singing that hand-clapping Happy Happy Birthday song with the Real Audio version. Sincerely, Tim

February 5: Deferential Equation

Dear simpleton, I enjoyed today's article. I was interested to see the original German version of Bach's serenade, so I asked Alta Vista. You were right. It's more powerful in German. The original German: Die Joyful Stunden der goldenen Sonnen, zusammen verbunden durch den Himmel selbst, sind noch einmal angekommen, singen und justieren die Zeichenketten preisen, um seinen berÄhmten Ruhm zu verbreiten! which in English is (according to Alta Vista): The Joyful hours of the golden suns, together connected by the sky itself, arrived again, sings and adjusts the character strings praises, in order to spread its famous fame! I'm still undecided which English translation I prefer, simpleton's or Alta Vista's. Bruce Keilin brucek@reef.com

Dear Bruce, Actually, our original translation of the Durchlauchster Leopold Cantata came out: I am made of blue sky, and golden light, and I will feel this way forever. We were so taken with Olympic fever last week that we ran our own translation of Austria's Hermann Maier song. It came out: Hermann Maier! Hermann Maier! Hermann Maier! Hermann Maier! Sincerely, tim

February 10: Death Takes a Holiday

Dear simpleton, Poetry, if you find the right line in the right poem, really does spring to mind in times of bereavement. Not usually in ways that can be imparted, but are self-consoling. May I recommend the following stanza from Edward Arlington Robinson: Meanwhile we do no harm, for they That with the gods have striven, Not hearing much of what we say Take what the god has given. Though like waves breaking it may be Or like a changed, familiar tree Or like a stairway to the sea Where down the blind are driven. Edward Skoog (S&T Onsite) a-eskoog@microsoft.com

Dear Edward, Well, with EA Robinson you're pulling out some big guns. I still maintain that most sympathy card poetry never rises above: We're thinking of you often As your loved one lies in his/her coffin Sincerely, tim

Dear simpleton, Crane's makes nice cards. White or ecru cotton paper with raised black lettering. Dignified. Non-rhyming. By-the-box. Stock up now - you're not getting any younger, and neither, more to the point, are the rest of us. May the strength of Jesus Christ be with you in your sorrow, Maggie

Dear Maggie, Thanks for the tip. It turns out we missed the real story, though. Just after our sympathy kvetch hit newsstands, Hallmark debuted the first of its suicide cards. That's true. Sincerely, tim

Dont just stare at the screen - Send a letter! Recent simpletons: Tuesday: It's the Cheese: Falco, RIP Monday: Wankers of Arabia: The Conclusion Friday: Wankers of Arabia: Part 4 Wednesday & Thursday: Showdown in the Gulf: A simpleton classic A century of simpletons in the simpleton archive. Tomorrow: The Compleat Wankers