From the Edo Gazette

Dear Basho,

Someone once said, "Love your neighbor, yet don't pull down your hedge." You're telling me! My next door neighbor may be a fine upstanding man, but he also lets his dog "Rusty" use my front lawn as a toilet! I've asked my neighbor to clean up after his pet, but he refuses, saying that he can't control where the dog wants to go. Should I take him to court or grin and bear it?

Crapped on in Kyoto

Dear Crapped On,

Want to stop that dog?
Smear his feces on the porch
of your neighbor's house.

From the Osaka Tattler

Dear Basho,

Every year it's the same thing - Christmas is here and I sit at home, alone. Is it true that good things will come my way? Should I look for a nice woman or just hope fate sends one my way? Tell me, Basho - what can I do to make it through such a "joyous" yet miserable time?

Depressed and Dejected

Dear Depressed,

Why not take your thumb
out of your mouth, you baby!
Stick it up your ass

From the Kobe Weekly

Hey Faggot,

I've got a girlfriend who likes to try everything once. Recently she gave me a special birthday present - she strapped on a dildo and did me up the Hershey Highway! I loved it, and my girl said it was very empowering, but I'm worried. Does this mean I'm gay?

Doggy Style

Dear Doggy,

Breeder boys are so
uptight about their rectums
enjoy it, girlfriend

Dear Basho,

I recently started a website that I thought would take the world by storm. Well it's here, but nobody's reading it! I spend at least 14 hours a day getting the next day's laff-fest ready, and still get about five hits a week! I bust my ass drawing cartoons, commenting on current topics, even answering the voluminous "reader mail." But I can't sell a frigging ad! What's the matter with people? How often can they look at Jenny McCarthy pictures? Seriously, Basho, what should I do - pull the plug? Is it worth keeping this thing afloat? Check it out at simpleton.com.

Tim

Dear Tim,

Don't worry, son
Basho has seen your site.
What a load of crap!

Dear Basho,

Yo yo yo, Whassup? Check it out, my man Errol, my roommate? Well he's rockin' this phat-assed bitch named Shrowinda. And like I hear them in the next room and I'm like "Wooaah, baby!" you know what I'm sayin? So shit, I jump in there with a camera just to fuck with their minds. I mean I'm just playin with them. But my finger slips and I take the picture by accident. Man, he went nuts, and trashed my camera and shit. So now I haven't been back to my crib in like a day and I'm afraid if I do, Errol's gonna kill me! Whassup wit dat?

Missing My Crib

Dear Missing, Yo yo yo yo yo,
Kick that motherfucker's ass!
You know what I'm sayin?