![[dear simpleton]](img/dearsimp.gif)
Feedback
March 11, 1998
New ones Monday through Friday
Reader mail:
Volume 19
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Artistic web content continues its march toward extinction with reports that
Word.com will go out of business this coming
Monday. Pay your respects to some true innovators in the medium with a stroll
through Marc Trujillo's
The Land of Plenty.
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![[cashprize]](img/cashprize.gif)
Cash Prizes: Testimonials from Real Winners!
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Dear simpleton,
I've put off thanking you for my cash prize for too long.
US Dollars are now particularly useful here in Canada, since our currency has
sagged to historic lows against yours since mid-December. That process began literally days after I returned from South Korea, which, in
turn, had begun its four-month slide into financial chaos just hours after I landed in Seoul on 18 August. I am considering embarking on
a career as an itinerant currency-wrecker.
Sincerely,
Matt Small
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Dear simpleton,
YES! I GOT MY CASH PRIZE! Oh man, I hopped up and down for at least an
hour, running about and showing everyone my authentic Simpleton Cashİ and
the autographed scribely stylings of MR FELIX MONTANEZ!!!
Sincerely,
Kate Erin
katerin@voicenet.com
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These are not actors. They are real people just like you, who have taken the plunge
and won the brass ring! For newcomers, the rules of simpleton cash prize awards are
simple enough. You send in a sad story, telling us how terrible your life is. If it's
sad enough, we publish it. And if it's the saddest one of the week, you win a cash prize.
As always, simpleton cash prizes are available to all.
Readers throughout the United States, as well as Canada and Bermuda, have been awarded
substantial sums. You may be our next winner! Send in a sob story (a good one - our panel
of judges are not pushovers), detailing how hard life has been to you, and take your
chance at stardom. Here's our latest winner:
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Dear simpleton,
Name: Joshua Warren Davis (it's worth noting that I was named after a man
who is widely considered to be the worst president in the history of the
U.S., Warren G. Harding)
Religious Affiliation: Ordained minister of the Universal Life Church
Favorite Celebrity to play in Drag: Judy Garland
Why I Should Be the Winner: Ich habe keine geld.
Sibling I Dislike Most: My evil twin, he's always doing shit and blaming
me for it, then I get in trouble and have to kill him for lying and then
the cops come and take me away and then they send me to the electric chair
and I die. That's a real bitch.
Josh Davis
moon_dog@full-moon.com
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Dear Joshua,
There was a time when even your dreamlike cycle of torment, murder and retribution
would not be considered worthy of a cash prize, but competition is so light these days
that our judges were taken by your tale. Everybody else, get those pathetic stories in.
You could be a winner just like Josh!
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![[2 wankers]](img/chrisndeathbeast.gif)
Wankers of Arabia: Final pros and cons
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Dear simpleton,
You spent way too much time on the Wankers of Arabia piece. I got the
feeling I was watching Titanic being filmed--production delays, an epic
five-part series and then a boxed edition. Come on. And the self-references -
give it a break already. I think we deserve
better than that.
The story was funny, though.
Yr pal,
Anthony
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Dear Anthony,
Years from now, when Britain is but a European outgrowth known as Airstrip One and
the American Empire is in its twilight, when our showdowns with Iraq are merely a
footnote to history, when Bill Clinton is pinching nurses' asses in the Old Folks home
and Saddam Hussein is a harmless old coot with worry beads and no teeth, you'll get
news that the Everyman's Library has come out with its own handsome boxed edition of
Wankers of Arabia, and you'll tell your grandchildren with pride "I was there
when it was still in serial form. I was the fourth man in the English-speaking
world to read the original
handsome bound edition of that
great American novel."
Consider the delay in Wankers' production as a down payment toward the swell of
pride you'll feel on that day.
Sincerely,
Tim
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Dear simpleton,
So, is it just me, or does a small number of
English/British people seem to have some trouble
expressing themselves? I mean, the buzz over here in
NY is that they invented English and speak it better
than anyone, but when the mail starts rolling in, all I
see is someone frothing at the mouth that is so angry
(about what?) that he can barely compose thoughts, much
less paragraphs...
Whew. At least I know I live in Babylon. What it the
excuse for them? Are they just angry because no one cares
about England anymore? I mean, seriously? The last time
they really crossed anyone's minds before Diana lost her life
was when? Come on now...all I can see is Margaret Thatcher.
The funny thing is, I can listen to people's opinions when
they are coherent, but it's like everyone over there is doing
stream of consciousness. A whole crop of vulgar, racist,
stammering englishmen! How delightful!
And let me just say one thing about the US being gay...
Elton John is their current national hero!
John Beckner
brownanole@hotmail.com
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Dear John,
As always, I prefer to let the folks of the British Isles speak for themselves:
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Dear Scumbag Yank,
You seem to have raised my already fecking touchy anger with your
comic 'Wankers Of Arabia', it seems you American simpletons have a
hatred for any Englishman, Scotsman or most importantly Irishman who
have decided to insult your petty, cowardly, twatting country. Whose
contribution to the world execpt for the Simpsons has been laughable.
You can't even win wars eg Vietnam and jump in late to other wars
depending on the side whois going to win eg WW1 and WW2. You can't
even go into the Gulf without help. You're probably even conspiring
with Sadamn to share the world's land and riches when you both take
over the world. You'll even stab them in the back when you want the
world for yourself!
I'd allow to insult England, Scotland and the crap band Chumbawumba,
but when you insult the Irish and Liverpool, you have forced me to
throw my empty whiskey gin, toilet duck, sinex , Jacob's Creek
Chardonay 1992 and Domestos bottles at you and shout Arse Biscuits to
you.
Further more you country wouldn't have existed without the English and
Irish coming to live their, you should show respect and be thankful
they came you backwards American Twat!
I hope you country sinks into the sea without trace when you misfire
your hidden nuclear weapons and cause your country to explode, you
fecker!
Yours, Father Jack Hackett (Priest and local drunk or Craggy Island
from the Parochial House)
fatherjacksdrink@yahoo.com
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Dear Father Jack,
Sure it's the want of a drink that ails ye!
Sincerely,
tim
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Dear simpleton,
Not since the most brilliant days of RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE has the
universe witnessed such significant satire. Wonkers of the world Unite
and save
siphilization from the likes of Saddam H.
steve gunter
sgunter@comp.uark.edu
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Dear simpleton,
The wankers of arabia sketch is damn near the funniest thing I have seen on the net
in a long time. Keep up the good work.
"Scott or Vanessa"
jackalop@iglobal.net
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Dear simpleton,
whooohoo...stroke em if you got em.
great job....
Amy Olivia Warnecke
f r o g d e s i g n n e w m e d i a
420 Bryant Street
San Francisco, CA. 94107
frog
oliviaw@frogdesign.com
http://www.frogdesign.com
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Dear simpleton,
The fact that you are brutally satirizing the British leaves me with a
feeling of underwear, a good feeling. But would it break your fucking
back to add a Norwegian to the story? Let's face facts, Norwegians are
awful. They're dumb as gnats and greasy with North Shore oil, flying
down to London and over to NYC to buy leather jackets so they can look,
"vehry kuhl" as they wander about their fields of frozen human shit
listening to Bjerk on headphones. I was there for three weeks. If I
ever get rich I'm going to hire a squad of mercenaries to kill them all,
starting with the grammas, then the toddlers, and so on till every
filthy Viking is gargling his or her own blood.
Lovingly,
Curt
Curt@DesktopSoft.com
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The Norwegian Epilogue to Wankers of Arabia:
![[norway]](img/norway1.gif)
![[norway]](img/norway2.gif)
![[norway]](img/norway3.gif)
![[norway]](img/norway4.gif)
![[norway]](img/norway5.gif)
![[norway]](img/norway6.gif)
Then End
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![[falco]](img/falco.gif)
Falco, R.I.P., and more complaints from Anthony Floreno
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Dear Editor:
It is with great curiosity that I read your story on Falco. Why Falco, I
asked myself. Why is The Simpleton writing about the death of Falco? It's a
mystery to me because writing about Falco's death in 1998 is akin to writing
about the death of disco in 1988. Both were passed their prime. Although
disco has made a revival, I doubt Der Kommissar will.
If Falco had died right after "Rock Me Amadeus" we would have been saddened.
"Now we'll never get to hear any more Falco songs," people would have cried.
It's similar to Kurt Cobain killing himself at the height of his
popularity--we're left wondering what he _would_ have done next.
But Falco dying in 1998 leaves no such void. It turns out he was a two-hit
wonder. There's nothing left to consider, we already know he didn't do shit
in the ten years after Rock Me Amadeus.
What's next, Simpleton, "Monica Lewinsky Revisited" after the scandal's over?
Anthony,
pissed off reader #4
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Dear Anthony,
Years from now, when the web is just a paved over wasteland overrun by 18-wheelers,
historians will hold up simpleton as a model of virtue, for two reasons: We alone
among palavators declined to comment on Monicagate until all the facts were in (i.e.,
never); and we alone gave Falco the thoughtful and dignified sendoff his three
hits (you're forgetting Vienna Calling) merited. You'll be proud to call yourself
a one-time simpleton reader.
Sincerely,
Tim
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![[wankers of arabia]](img/wankad.gif)