Pollster: Do you regularly watch a tv news program?
Simpleton: Yes.
Pollster: Do you believe or not believe that the President had an affair
with a White House
intern?
Simpleton: Is I don't know an option?
Pollster: Do you believe or not believe that
Simpleton: No. I do not believe.
Pollster: If it turns out that the President lied to the American people about
an affair or about any other matter, do you feel that he should resign or not resign?
Simpleton: Resign.
Pollster: Do you feel that the President has done an excellent job, a good
job, an average job, a below average job, or a poor job of handling the crisis with
Iraq?
Simpleton: Poor. No, below average.
Pollster: OK. Do you feel that the President has done an excellent job, a good
job, an average job, a below average job, or a poor job of handling the allegations that
he had an affair with a White House intern?
Simpleton: Excellent.
Pollster: Overall, do you feel good or not about the way the President is
running the nation?
Simpleton: Good.
Pollster: Overall, do you feel good or not about the current state of the
economy?
Simpleton: Not good.
Pollster: Overall, do you feel good or bad about your own financial position
and future?
Simpleton: Good.
Pollster: Overall, do you feel good or bad about your marriage if you are married
and your relationship with other family members?
Simpleton: Good.
Pollster: Overall, do you feel good or bad about your social life?
Simpleton: Good.
Pollster: Overall, do you feel good or bad about your current job?
Simpleton: Bad.
Pollster: Overall, do you feel health maintenence organizations or HMOs do a
good or bad job of serving their customers?
Simpleton: Bad.
Pollster: Overall, do you feel life insurance companies do a
good or bad job of serving their customers?
Simpleton: I haven't died yet, so I don't know. I'll say they do a good job.
Pollster: OK. Overall, do you feel car manufacturers do a
good or bad job of serving their customers?
Simpleton: Good.
Pollster: Overall, do you feel hospitals do a
good or bad job of serving their customers?
Simpleton: Mmmmmm ... bad.
Pollster: Overall, do you feel pharamaceutical companies do a
good or bad job of serving their customers?
Simpleton: Bad.
Pollster: Overall, do you feel cigarette companies do a
good or bad job of serving their customers?
Simpleton: Serving them how?
Pollster: Just, do you feel they do a good or bad job?
Simpleton: Good job.
Pollster: Overall, do you feel health insurance companies do a
good or bad job of serving their customers?
Simpleton: Good. No, make that bad.
Pollster: (Begins giggling)
Simpleton: Am I making you laugh?
Pollster: No sir. (Uncontrollable giggling for about five seconds) OK, Overall,
do you feel oil companies do a
good or bad job of serving their customers?
Simpleton: Bad.
Pollster: Overall, do you feel managed care companies do a
good or bad job of serving their customers?
Simpleton: Bad.
Pollster: OK, and of all the brands, products and companies you know of in
your personal life, can you name three that stand out as particularly excellent.
Simpleton: Sure, well the first would definitely have to be the Lou Harris poll.
Pollster: Excuse me?
Simpleton: Lou Harris. I feel that is an excellent company. That's you guys, right?
Pollster: Yes, so you are familiar with the company?
Simpleton: Yeah, I always see the polls in magazines and stuff, and they seem
pretty accurate. Can I say Lou Harris as one of my choices? Is it a conflict of interest?
I mean I'm just a statistical blip here, it won't throw off the survey, will it?
Pollster: Please hold on a moment, sir.
(Pause)
Pollster: OK, sir, that's fine. Is that the only one?
Simpleton: No, I get two more, right? I'll say Apple Computer and Henry Weinhard's
brewing company.
Pollster: OK, Apple, and what is the other one?
Simpleton: Wienhard's Beer. W-E-I-N-H-A-R-D. They're a west coast brewing
company. They make many
varieties of great-tasting beer at an affordable price.
Pollster: OK, could you spell that name?
Simpleton: W-E-I-N-H-A-R-D.
Pollster: H-A-R-A?
Simpleton: No, H-A-R-D.
Pollster: H-A-R-N?
Simpleton: No, H-A-R-D as in Dave.
Pollster: OK, now when you think of your reasons for ranking, um, Lou Harris
highly, is that because of the products and services the company offers or because of
something you know about the company itself?
Simpleton: I don't know anything about the company itself. Products and services.
Same thing for the other two.
Pollster: So when you think of your reasons for ranking Apple Computer
highly, is that because of the products and services
Simpleton: Yes. Products and services.
Pollster: And when you think of your reasons for ranking, Wein... Weinhards
Simpleton: Same thing. Products and services.
Pollster: OK, now I'm going to ask you some questions about health and hygiene. Do
you currently suffer from any of the following conditions: dry or flakey scalp, eczema
of the scalp or dandruff?
Simpleton: No.
Pollster: Do you believe dry or flakey scalp, eczema
of the scalp and dandruff are a health problem that are difficult to cure?
Simpleton: No.
Pollster: Do you believe people who suffer from dry or flakey scalp, eczema
of the scalp or dandruff practice poor hygiene?
Simpleton: I'm sorry, the doorbell's ringing - I'm afraid
Pollster: It's alright. I can wait if you want to get the door.
Simpleton: Oh, OK.
(Long pause)
Simpleton: Sorry, I have to bring in some groceries. I'll be right with you
... hello?
Pollster: Yes, sir. That's fine.
(another long pause)
Simpleton: OK, I'm back.
Pollster: I thought you forgot about me.
Simpleton: Oh no. So where were we?
Pollster: Do you believe people who suffer from dry or flakey scalp, eczema
of the scalp or dandruff practice poor hygiene?
Simpleton: Yes.
Pollster: OK, now dandruff has many causes. Do you believe dandruff is caused by
a microorganism that infects the scalp?
Simpleton: No.
Pollster: Dandruff has many causes. Do you believe dandruff is caused by an infection
of the scalp?
Simpleton: Yes.
Pollster: Dandruff has many causes. Do you believe dandruff is caused by
insufficient washing of the hair and poor personal grooming habits?
Simpleton: Yes.
Pollster: Dandruff has many causes. Do you believe dandruff is caused by people
washing their hair too often or using too much shampoo when they wash their hair?
Simpleton: No.
Pollster: OK, of all the causes I just mentioned, do you believe too frequent use
of shampoo is a major cause of dandruff, a minor cause or not a cause at all?
Simpleton: Not a cause at all.
Pollster: Of all the causes I just mentioned, do you believe poor personal
grooming habits are a major cause of dandruff, a minor cause or not a cause at all?
Simpleton: A major cause.
Pollster: In the past three years have you used a dandruff shampoo?
Simpleton: No.
Pollster: Tell me something about your body. Would you describe your physical
height and bone structure as large, medium or small?
Simpleton: Medium.
Pollster: What is your height in inches, without shoes?
Simpleton: About five feet, ten inches.
Pollster: What is your weight, without clothes?
Simpleton: When I'm utterly, innocently nude, my weight is about 150, 160 pounds.
(following: ten minutes of questions about my age, marital status and financial situation
which are just between me and Lou Harris).
Pollster: OK, now I'm going to ask you some questions about advertising. Have you seen
the following commercial for Ford Motor Company. In the commercial, a group of friends are getting
ready to decorate a car for a wedding. The car is a Ford mustang, and one of the
friends says that decorating it would be like defacing a national monument. Would you say
you've seen this commercial many times, a few times, one or two times, or not at all.
Simpleton: Not at all.
Pollster: OK, Taco Bell is currently airing two television commercials. In the
first a chihuahau is heading up a fire escape past another chihuahua, his girlfriend. In
another two guys are driving in a car and the same chihuahua appears in the back seat to
tell them in Spanish that he wants Taco Bell. Would you say
you've seen this commercial many times, a few times, one or two times, or not at all.
Simpleton: One or two times.
Pollster: Would you say this commercial has made a big difference, a little difference,
or no difference at all, in making the public aware of Taco Bell's products and services?
Simpleton: No difference at all.
Pollster: Would you say this commercial has made a big difference, a little difference,
or no difference at all, in establishing Taco Bell as a leader in its industry?
Simpleton: A little difference.
Pollster: OK. Domino's Pizza is currently airing a commercial in which a family is
stuck in their hotel room because of rain. They are bored and depressed, and decide to
order Domino's. The pizza arrives and they are happy. The electricity goes out in the
hotel, but the family isn't bothered by that. Would you say
you've seen this commercial many times, a few times, one or two times, or not at all.
Simpleton: One or two times.
Pollster: Budweiser is currently airing a commercial in which two iguanas -
Simpleton: Come on, every American's seen that commercial.
Pollster: OK, so you've seen it?
Simpleton: Yeah.
Pollster: OK, in that commercial two iguanas hire a ferret to kill three frogs who live in
a pond. The ferret drops the Budweiser sign into the pond, apparently electrocuting
the frogs. The frogs are not in the pond, and one of the iguanas says to the other "Never
send a ferret to do a weasel's job." Would you say
you've seen this commercial many times, a few times, one or two times, or not at all?
Simpleton: One or two times.
Pollster: OK. Do you currently use the internet or the World Wide Web to get news
or information about the world?
Simpleton: Yes.
Pollster: Which web sites do you rely on for news and information?
Simpleton: The Drudge Report,
Pollster: Excuse me?
Simpleton: The Drudge Report - D-R-U-D-G-E. It's a news thing. It's Matt Drudge.
He's the guy who broke Monica - the Monica Lewinsky thing.
Pollster: (Laughing) OK, sir.
Simpleton: I'm serious. He really is the guy who broke that story. Check the ...
whatever the news. He's the guy who broke that story.
Pollster: OK, I believe you, sir. Is that all?
Simpleton: No, I get most of my news from simpleton.com.
Pollster: (Laughing)
Simpleton: No, really, there's a lot of useful information on that site.
Pollster: OK, sir. Are there any others?
Simpleton: Did you get simpleton down there?
Pollster: Yes, sir. Are there any others.
Simpleton: Yeah, CNN, the New York Post, and Yahoo Reuters.
Pollster: Is that R-E-U-T-E-R-S.
Simpleton: Yup.
Pollster: OK, thank you very much for taking the time to answer these questions.
Simpleton: OK, now you you guys are the Lou Harris poll. Who's sponsoring this survey?
Pollster: Excuse me?
Simpleton: Who hired you to do this poll?
Pollster: Nobody hired us, this is really the Lou Harris poll.
Simpleton: I believe you. But doesn't some company or
somebody usually hire you to do these
polls?
Pollster: No, this is really the Lou Harris poll. In a few days, you'll see the
results in ... the results will be in some newspapers, magazines.
Simpleton: Oh, great. So I'll be a part of history or something.
Pollster: Yes, sir.
Simpleton: Now how many people are you asking?
Pollster: You mean how many people do we survey?
Simpleton: Yes.
Pollster: I don't know, we usually just publish the percentages and breakdowns.
Simpleton: Uh huh. And you yourself, how many people do you get to answer all the
questions?
Pollster: I don't know, sir. This is my first night on this poll.
Simpleton: Uh huh. OK, well good luck. It was nice talking with you.
Pollster: Thank you, sir. Have a good evening.
Simpleton: You too.
![[dear simpleton]](img/thesimp.gif)
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