where are the good scissors?

It's true. I won a cash prize from the simpleton "Queen for a Day" competition.

But I want to share with the other kids.

If you'd like a Queen for a Day diploma, email me with your postal address. US residents only, unless you can send me the postage is to your particular destination. As much as I love you, I draw the line at foreigners.

Chapter 6: Xaviera's Guide to Super Sex

"What's this?" Dave asked.

I looked at where Dave was pointing. "That's called 'Rogering.' I learned about it from a book."

"No, it looks like two ducks, except they're siamese twins," Dave said. "Have you ever noticed how everyone shows their so-called randiness by reading sexual material into everything?"

I frowned. "It's not a Rorschach blot."

"Xaviera debases our society's morals and promotes wanton libertinism," Dave told me, with a straight face.

I laughed. "Rogering is fun," I said.

i have a gro-beast now.

it is small, and green, and shaped like a dinosaur.

i have to make sure to put the gro-beast in water, so it gets big.

if i do not care for the gro-beast, it will stay puny.

the beast is my responsibility.

tim's gro-beast.

rules for tim's room

visitors to my room shall abide by the following rules.

knock before entering

brothers/sisters and other undesirables enter at great personal risk.

music volume has been set to desired level.
(Referring to the music as "racket" or "noise" will not be tolerated.)

whoever comes to wake me up should wear protective headgear.

everything here is in order - MY order! Please do not disturb!

Only dirty laundry and dishes may be removed without my permission.

My bed is an energy-saving model - I only make it up for special occasions.

My room will be cleaned - when my schedule permits.

Caution: opening drawers or closet doors may be hazardous to your health.

If you have more important things to do, please don't bug me!

Rearrangement of wall grafitti (sic) is prohibited.

Thank You

TIM

P.S. My room is not always this messy - sometimes it's worse!

"whatcha doing?" i asked her. her forearms were covered with tattoos.

"what does it look like I'm doing? I'm taking his wallet," she answered, not looking up.

i watched blood the color of blood move against skin the color of skin, a cigarette butt, still lit, protruding from the corpse's mouth.

"is there money?" i asked.

"hold on," she said, thumbing through the wallet.

i looked up and down the street for cops. "we better get out of here."

"next question"

"office depot is currently airing a television commercial featuring the cartoon character dilbert. in that commercial a few of dilbert's coworkers are-"

"i haven't seen that one."

"this is a commercial for office depot"

"yeah, i may have seen other commercials for office depot, but i haven't seen dilbert."

"ok, so would you say you've seen this commercial many times, a few times, one or two times, or not at all. "

"not at all."

pause.

"hello?"

"yes, sir."

a har in suck. i wrote one week before last, too. i'll write one next week. i write one just about every week

i'm not going to point out my recent ink in Reptiles, and Helical Spring Lockwashers Today, because I'm still waiting for groupies to put up their own tim fan pages. so far it hasn't happened.

Chapter 5: Chomp!

"What are you doing?"

"Building a new toothbrush," Paul answered.

"Out of Lincoln Logs?"

"Yeah."

I used a Lincoln Log to pick my teeth.

"You know, Abraham Lincoln was born in a house he helped his father build."

Paul took a hit from a bong made of Lincoln Logs. "I know that." He stared at his Lincoln Log barcalounger. "Hand me one of those little plastic chimneys, will you?"

i scored a magic memories folding frame recorder.

"these aren't my friends, mom," i said. "these men are police detectives."

I'm still waiting for one of those cool fan sites devoted to me. in the meantime, you'll have to get your updates here at simpleton, and through my other regular outlets.