I was amazed when I recieved a message from my old friend Tom. At first, I thought somebody was pulling a trick on me, because the message was addressed to "Jeff." But then it dawned on me - good old Tom! He's just the kind of prankster who would pull some crazy stunt like calling me "Jeff" even though it's not my real name!

But what really floored me was the story Tom told in his letter! Wow! Check it out:

I was totally surprised, because Tom has always been more the type of guy who reads Fantagraphics books and eats Cheetos on the weekends. I never thought of him as a "superstud." But most amazing of all was what I found when I went to get a look at Tom's new squeeze:

No, this isn't some corny story where it turns out that I was with the same girl the night before! (But hey, I'm not saying I'd turn down the opportunity!). What really freaked me out was that Tom's girl takes it all off at ValuSex^TM.

You see, it just so happens that I am ValuSex^TM's biggest fan. It's not so much that I love looking at hot girls (but don't get me wrong, I love the ladies as much as the next guy!), but that I admire ValuSex's principles as a company, their dedication to top-notch service and bedrock values, and the old-fashioned devotion to hard work and common sense of the Valu King:

When the Valu King came up with the slogan "ValuSex^TM, our name says it all!" I think he really meant it. Since its early days as a regional distributor in the 1950s, ValuSex^TM has been consistently ahead of the curve, while holding true to its core competency of delivering quality sex at prices that won't make you go limp.

The Valu King has always been a key part of the corporate culture, especially in those wacky TV commercials from the early seventies. My favorite was the one where the Valu King appeared in his crown and exclaimed: "They say the King is mad because I'm practically giving sex away!" But I also like the one that goes: "The King is dead, the King is dead! Long live ValuSex^TM! (Our name says it all!)" That was so important to ValuSex^TM's company image. No matter how big they got, they never forgot to include that element of downhome cheesiness. Remember the IPO, when the Valu King put up a giant circus tent at the corner of Wall and Broad, then had the Valu Girls drive up in Ford Escorts? Wall Street loved it!

Sure, there have been controversies along the way. Many of the local mom and pop sex retailers have protested at what they see as ValuSex^TM's invasion of the local markets. But in the end, it's the public that has always decided. I'm not saying there haven't been difficulties along the way, but we're all better off with ValuSex^TM.

I can't wait for the Valu King's autobiography: American Maid! How a Brooklyn kid built an empire from Wall Street to Main Street, without sacrificing his principles.

And of course, I'm gonna go have a beer with Tom and check out his new "lady friend!" ;-)