But Calzone president H. Peabody Briggs has no plans to rest on his laurels, high in some mountain palace.

We'll continue to bring you the kind of award-winning news you can use that was pioneered by simpleton film critic Seymour Feldspar.

We'll keep practicing civic-minded investigative journalism, like our series last year on midgets hitting each other with sticks, which led to tighter regulations in that sport.

We'll still be focused on our core readership of guys on couches.

And we'll always be your best source for information when you place a friendly bet at the office!

Thank you for reading simpleton.