That kind of steak-and-sizzle know- how didn't translate to the new restaurant's first advertising campaign, though, and the very first ad was immediately pulled after an expensive debut during the high-profile Super Bowl of Naming Collaborators. Simpleton viewed the ad last week in the Center's Eastern European gallery:

INT -- A FAST FOOD KITCHEN -- DAY

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Ministry of Hamburgers. Order prevails over hunger!

ECU of COOK turning perfectly uniform hamburger patties in time with a computerized voice command module.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE COMMAND MODULE
Turn. Turn. Turn.

GROUP LEADER, looking on proudly, faces the camera and gives a "thumbs-up."

ANNOUNCER (V.O)
Enforcement of appropriate kitchen protocols is unwavering!

COMPUTER
Turn. Turn. Turn.

CUT TO a hamburger on a bun, each part in perfect symmetry with each other part. The group leader nods at the camera, inviting us to be impressed.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
An utterly uniform food product!

CUT TO the employees in the kitchen, formed in ranks and standing at attention.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Daily attitude positioning ensures positive employee/guest interaction!

The group leader shouts at the employees, harshly.

GROUP LEADER
Experience joy!

EMPLOYEES
Yes, Group Leader!

GROUP LEADER
Unity of cause!

EMPLOYEES
Yes, Group Leader!

CUT TO employees at the counter, serving guests.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Ministry of Hamburgers. Those receiving hamburgers do not express dissatisfaction!

CUT TO SATISFIED CUSTOMERS, standing at rigid attention.

CUSTOMERS
We raise our voices in praise of the Ministry!

FADE OUT on image of group leader holding platter of hamburgers, staring into the brave dawn.

Well, heh, not what an American advertising producer would call "subtle." And not what an American company would call effective! Contrary to the traditional goals of advertising, the first Ministry of Hamburgers spot actually caused several dozen potential consumers of hamburger products to commit sad and desperate suicides -- whoops!

By way of comparison, the exhibit in the Center's very next hall focuses on the absolute cutting edge in televisual advertising. Utilizing self-referential "irony," advertisers acknowledge the cynicism of the consumer -- and invite the consumer to let the world know he's "in" on the "joke," by purchasing the advertiser's product! In our favorite spot, created by San Francisco-based Anar C(h)o. to advertise Huggies^TM Brand disposable diapers, the story revolves around a couple of sleazy advertising agency types. The ad uses not just irony, but also an extra attention-getter -- blasphemy! Here's the spot:

Three executives sit in a large, richly-appointed office. One, a gray-haired and serious man, sits in the middle of a long table. The others are younger men, each sporting goatees and bouncing around with lots of nervous energy. A fourth man enters; he looks quite a bit like the older executive, only twenty-five years younger.

YOUNGER EXEC
Dad -- you wanted to see me?

OLDER EXEC
I did. You know Jason Bright and Jeremy Lemon from our ad agency?

YOUNGER EXEC
Uh -- hey, guys. I think we met at the, uh, Christmas party...

JASON
That's right, that's right... Hey, remember that great punch?

All but the older exec make obligatory MUMBLING NOISES -- oh, yeah, good, uh-huh... The older exec just sits there, impassive and vaguely impatient. He speaks abruptly.

OLDER EXEC
Son, you and I -- we're officers in a company that's taking a hell of a beating on the marketplace. Let's face it -- the consumers just don't know that Huggies are 25% more secure against drips and leakage than the leading competitor, and we've got to get the word out. These boys have come up with a real crackerjack ad scheme to pull us out of the dumps. I like it. I wanted you brought in right from the start.

YOUNGER EXEC
I'm -- I'm not really in marketing, dad. I'm an operations guy. You know that.

Jeremy jumps in, all pumped up, like an infomercial pitchman.

JEREMY
Hey, but I'll tell you what, Pete -- this is one marketing idea that directly involves you!

JASON
We need something larger than life, okay? Something with some juice, some sex, something with legs. We've got something that generates massive free exposure -- and gives us images we can follow up in paid hits!

JEREMY
Long back end.

JASON
Something different.

JEREMY
Something huge.

JASON
So...

JEREMY
We'd like... to crucify you!

Long silence. The advertising guys freeze their big excited expressions, looking intently at the younger exec's face. The older exec remains impassive and vaguely impatient. The younger exec is blank, uncomprehending. Finally, after about five long beats:

JASON
On a cross!

Long, long silence.

YOUNGER EXEC
Cruci...

JASON
Crucify, that's right!

JEREMY
He gets a concept just like that, this one here. Quick, very quick!

JASON
Now, okay: get the spin! Our CEO -- our corporate father, right? -- gives his only begotten son... so that his customers can live well!

JEREMY
He died... to pay for our enhanced leak-controlling fibers!

Another long pause. The older exec's impatience finally pushes him to speak.

OLDER EXEC
Well?

Silence as the younger exec looks around the room at the other three. Finally, with no change in expression:

YOUNGER EXEC
Sure.

JEREMY AND JASON
Sure?

YOUNGER EXEC
Sure. I'll do it.

JEREMY AND JASON
Great!

YOUNGER EXEC
One condition.

The marketing guys lean in to hear his condition as the scene BLACKS OUT.

FADE UP on Jeremy and Jason hanging from two crosses, which are positioned on either side of a third cross -- which is empty.

JEREMY
Hey, who knew Christ died alongside a couple of thieves?

JASON
I'll tell you one thing -- I sure as heck didn't know!

JEREMY
Hey, hell of an idea though, huh?

JASON
Authentic.

JEREMY
Oh, yeah. Authenticity. Very real.

JASON
It works, you know, ties right into the whole Easter thing.

JEREMY
Hey, you bet. Very sharp. Sweet angle.

JASON
Nice.

Long pause as they look around.

JEREMY
Good turnout.

JASON
Camera crews.

JEREMY
Camera crew jackpot!

JASON
Oh yeah.

JEREMY
Very big.

Long pause. They look around again.

JASON
Say, uh -- what time's he coming over to join us?

JEREMY
Hey, any darn minute! No problem!

A few moments of comic business as they try to high five each other from their crucifixes.

The lights FADE OUT SLOWLY, the marketing guys nodding, smiling and looking pumped.

This is just a small sample of the exciting and interesting exhibits you'll find at the Center for Advertising and Creative Arts -- check it out!

The Center for Advertising and Creative Arts opens next Monday, March 30. Doors will open at 9 a.m. sharp seven days a week, and close at 4 p.m. A snack bar is available. Admission is five dollars for adults and three dollars for children, but the children's admission price is charged repeatedly as young visitors become uncontrollably excited about exhibits and encourage their parents to buy more tickets. A special exhibit coming in July will focus on the French advertising campaign for Rhinocerex, a newly developed offshoot of the so-called "SSRIs," or specific serotonin reuptake-inhibitors; in a push for greater market share, French pharmaceutical giant Iones Co. is targeting consumers who lack actual depression or other psychological problems, and the Center will explore the effectiveness of the campaign and its recurrent theme, "Smooth soothing sends the grumblies running." Parking is limited. Restrooms are handicapped-accessible.