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not a spam list or discussion group, just an occasional update for simpleton readers.
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valuable than information on simpleton?
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What will the list bring you?
I can't say, but it will be witty, informative, news you can use.
If simpleton's undead status should
ever change, you'll be the first to know. And since this is Good Friday, I can't count
out the possibility of simpleton's resurrection.
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A Viking Funeral
In more than 100 responses to the death of simpleton, readers
covered all the stages of grief - anger,
denial, acceptance and the other one I can't remember (I think the last one may be
"guilt," but none of simpleton's readers seemed very guilty about our demise).
Herewith, as H. Peabody Briggs is put to rest in a Nordic ceremony, some of the
memorable reader responses, grouped by type.
1) Eloquently taciturn...
why?
Heidi Dyer
Cabletron Systems, Inc.
hdyer@cabletron.com
????
Are you serious Tim?
Victoria Horton
VictoriaH@heart.org
AWWW
Shoot.
Jeremy Hornik
Jeremy@jellyvision.com
boo hoo
Bubbye simpleton, eh oh Tinky Winky! We'll miss you in Bermuda.
Shannon Woolfe
swoolfe@ibl.bm
Bummer.
Hugh Caldwell
hcaldwell@netimage.com
sniff....
too bad.
it was going so well.
Tor Kristensen
tor@araneum.dk
It's Over? What the hell am I 'sposed to do when I get back from lunch? Work?
Adam Shiffman
adam@inhouse.ca
Really?
Or are you pulling an Andy Kaufman?
Chris Bray
Chrisbray@earthlink.net
The demise of few sites deserve condolences. Yours does. Here's mine.
Best Wishes.
Michael Beller
michael_beller@discovery.com
damn you, tim.
Is your demise a funny joke?
Curt Hopkins
Curt@DesktopSoft.com
damn you, tim.
damn you to hell.
Michael Sippey
michael@theobvious.com
feed is alive, simpleton est mort. Content, it melteth like snow. (Ou
sont les neiges d'antan?)
Mandel, Nancy
MANDELN@gtlaw.com
Fuck. I'll miss Simpleton.
Alan Hardacre
alanh@bellsouth.net
I'm sad that simpleton is no more.
It was the highlight of my lunch hour every day.
www.simpletonfans.com?
The Fighting Priest Who Can Talk To The Young
basehead@europa.com
Fare thee well, gentle Simpleton. Thou wilt be missed
Mark Ayen
ayen@discovernet.net
---
In answer to Heidi's question, the Why is very simple: There are only 24 hours in a
day, and with my corporate overlords clamoring that a 50-hour week is not enough, I
really can't keep up the pace. A once- or twice-a-week publication schedule is always
an option, but really, isn't sepukku preferable to a death of a thousand cuts?
2) Faint praise...
No, no, no, no! I just discovered you through a review in a magazine and now,
after entertaining me for a few weeks, you're going into the trash heap?
It just ain't fair, man. What am I going to do without the daily crap that
your site spews? I don't ask for much from the Web and that's just about
what I got from simpleton. Now it's gonna be nothing more than a bad memory;
a youth wasted on filterless Camels and cheap beer. I'm pissed. I hope you
get intestinal aphids, or even butt chiggars, and I hope it's bad.
Learn from the Scotsman, Dougal Ritchie. At least the Scots don't roll over
and show their bellies when the gooin' gets rooff, ya pansey-asses.
At least you can save the archives. Don't wax 'em man, it's bad joo-joo.
Your friend,
Brian Glagovich
BRIAN.J.GLAGOVICH@cpmx.saic.com
So sorry to hear about Simpleton's passing. Even sorrier I discovered it so late
(well, not that late: 3 months). Sometimes sophomoric, but usually quite
satisfying. Knew something was wrong though, what with all of those encore
presentations, technical difficulties, and leatherbound editions appearing.
Thanks for the entertaining daily reading - I'll miss it.
casey sarah butterfield
witchbaby@usa.net
Well it finally happened. The proverbial writing was on the wall: the
stories weren't quite the acerbic and erudite pieces they had been in
earlier days and a generally fatigued air lay about the entire
publication. It is too bad, for Simpleton had potential, but in the end
reality must cruelly reign in creativity. Good old Willy had some words:
"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness
thrust upon 'em." I should like to think that Simpleton and Calzone Inc.
had a little bit of all three. Ye shall be truly missed,
Hayden
Hayden Brockett
redrum6@hotmail.com
Sorry to see you go. It was fun while it lasted. So long, and thanks for all
the fish.
Karl Puder, an occasional reader of Simpleton.
kpuder@aol.com
Well, at least you knew when to stop. More than I can say for suck or
spy. Maybe you should have done some sort of seinfeld-type super-hyped
ending, though. With huge advertising fees and everything.
Daniel Weiss djweiss@midway.uchicago.edu
djweiss@midway.uchicago.edu
---
Most puzzling is Daniel Weiss' stiff-upper-lip assessment. Spy was clearly
losing it over the last year or so. But having worked for Suck before and after its
near-death experience, I can testify that it's better than ever - funnier, more
clever and better to work for by a
country mile. Just look at my recent
special issue on dopey cinema.
I think simpleton had plent left to say, and an important message that
the world needs to hear. If there were any way to keep it going, I would.
Rest assured, the funeral is bringing in five times as much advertising as usual.
3) Kornheiser references...
My options for daily webertainment are shrinking fast -- '98 is not the
year of the hipster daily. First word, now simpleton. Suck and Feed are
the next dominoes in line. It's time to send in the bombers and stop this
evil communist plot at its origin.
Maybe there are better and brighter things to look forward to in the
future. An Alan Kornheiser meta-zine? Or perhaps this is just a witty,
self-serving simpleton ploy to extend the usual mind-fucking and keep the
letters flowing in.
Either way, cheers.
Brian
dolan@mediaone.net
You can't leave! I just started reading your magazine-- and now you're
gone? Can't you and Suck team up, and sue South Park for comboing
Wankers of Arabia with Canada jokes?
Besides, now who am I going to point out as a venerable guy named Tim in
the media? Tim Allen? And what about people doing a search on "Alan
Kornheiser?" Simpleton accounts for half the AltaVista hits! Other than
you, there's just Suck and one letter to SciFi Weekly!
It's just too bad today isn't five days ago-- then I could believe this
was an April Fools' joke. Well, I look forward to reading you in Feed,
and wherever else you are...
Take care, man,
Timothy Tolle
tim@awi888.com
i was catching up on the last few days of simpleton and suck
this morning, and read with shock your termination of
simpleton.
i can understand completely your reasons for ending it, the
web is a tough place to try to make any money. after a
while it seems like you're putting on a daily show for an
audience of several. when i was the webmaster at an
nbc affiliate we'd often joke about the fact that our best
day still had less viewers than 3:30am infomercials.
but that doesn't make it any easier to take that i won't be
enjoying my (more often than not) daily simpleton.
my productivity may go up a bit without the distraction,
but the quality of life in america has taken a dip.
ps- i hope that you're able to find a home for alan kornheiser.
your friend and fan,
scott roberts
scaatt@execpc.com
---
Fans of Alan Kornheiser (who by this point probably outnumber fans of any of
the publications he writes to) can rest assured. His trenchant observations
will continue to appear
at various key points around the web. And Tony Kornheiser is available regularly at
Washingtonpost.com.
4) Kornheiser himself...
Really? Not just a belated April 1 prank? Or a sick plea for sympathy?
It is, of course, a Good Thing that you have chosen to have a life and
earn real cash prizes out in the real world (assuming, of course, that
this electronic circle jerk we call the Internet is indeed somehow
congruent with the real world). And it is also a Good Thing that we will
continue to be able to read your work in other, lesser venues. But Tim,
Tim...we hardly knew you, and now you're gone.
Good night, sweet prince; flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
Tis a far, far better deed you do than you have ever done before; it is
to a far far better place you go than you have ever gone before.
As the poet has various sung
God takes the innocent young
The rolling in
money
The screamingly funny
And those who are very well hung.
Oh East is East...[oh shut up Kornheiser].
Bye.
Alan
ASKORNHEISER@prodigy.net
---
While we're not above an attention-getting cry for help, this is the real thing.
However, should a miracle occur, don't say you weren't warned. I'm not being coy - I
want simpleton to live on as much as the 1,500 to 2,500 of you do. That's part of the
reason I'm milking this funeral for all it's worth. Cross your fingers,
and get on that mailing list.
yr pal,
Tim
Coming soon: Viking Funeral pictures. Voodoo burial rites.
Who was reading, and who was writing. More fond farewells.
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![[simpleton]](img/thesimp.gif)
![[a nation mourns]](img/lastrites-accord.gif)
![[wankers of arabia]](img/wankad.gif)