September 1-3, 1998

All palaver all the time

Readers of simpleton have long recognized that this is not so much a web "site" or a web "zine" as an ongoing self-advertisement for the Tim Cavanaugh brand of wry ruminations. But until now, it has been only a partial advertisement, containing only spotty reference to the voluminous (more than 70,000 words in the last few months alone) Calzone-brand material available elsewhere in the publishing world. The lack of a centralized catalogue of Tim writing has been irksome both to the simpleton fan base and to me, on those (unfortunately frequent) days when my failure to update the simpleton site provokes "Gettin' lazy, huh?" responses from our readers. No More! From now on, you'll be able to get all the simpleton you want at our special "Calzone Brand" page, chronicling all our writings for other publications. Our quality guarantee - all of these works have been remunerated with cash money. With a fully annotated list of articles, the Calzone Brand page will be a useful resource for simpleton fans of all walks of life. Even the Hip Hop Cop agrees: At Request Line: Portrait of the Critic as a Young Artist An interview with Roger Ebert. The intro is too long, but I couldn't figure out any way to cut it down without damaging the article. I think it's a great piece. As with everything at Request Line, the design work is excellent, and there's a text only version for the nearsighted. Master and Slave On day jobs and careers.I really phoned this one in. The editor said it was fine, but after I saw the beautiful pictures they did for it, I felt pretty guilty about not doing a better job. Breathing Lessons Auto-erotic asphyxiation. I did a lot of research for this one, and it seems to have caught on with people in the "scene." I still have no clue what could be so thrilling about getting strangled, but some of the aficionados were pretty forthcoming to my questions, so God bless 'em. At Suck: Dailies Walking Tall Burgers, height, and American hegemony. A real mess. Baby Grand In support of the Beanie Babies craze. One of my better recent daily pieces. Seasick H20 The second part of the barely noticeable special feature Seasick. Seasick Suck joins the magazine/cruise line trend. Given the rich material, this should have been 20 times as funny. But it's got a lot of nice pictures! Mondo Cannes Death on screen; how does it effect popcorn sales? Taboo Who? Making sex dirty again. This was one of those big-conflation, lateral-movement pieces that I've been trying to perfect. So far with limited success. Class Struggle Dropouts rule. Some funny parts. I Am the Cheese In defense of cable TV, and in opposition to its detractors. Many people got mad about this piece. Are there really that many people who still believe "Kill Your TV" is a daring political statement? Short Shrift Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf and the futility of voting. So so. Dumbstruck "Dumbing down" - the evidence. One of my best pieces. Smokeout Pot smoking and movie going. A no-lose proposition for a cartoon essay. Hanging Judge Statutory rapists grab headlines once again. A perennial story. Minor Threat The Bully of Baghdad's '98 tour. This piece got the biggest and most enthusiastic response of anything I've ever written. Superbowl Commercial Autopsy A few of these are by me. I frankly don't remember which ones. Vox Potuli Voting Green! A stinker, written in two hours. Prediction for 1998 The undead life of Frank Sinatra; the Second Coming of Princess Di Prediction for 1998 Pundits will continue to talk about each other Prediction for 1998 Decompogotchi initiates the craze for eschatoys. Prediction for 1998 The "Welcome to my Homepage!" revolution Prediction for 1998 Ever heard a funny joke about Microsoft or Bill Gates? Me neither. Shut Up and Kiss Me Women writing frankly about sex. Ho hum. No Guarantee of Future Results Personal Finance and its discontents. This piece set off the market slide later nicknamed "Blue Monday." Trust No One Loyalty in American Business. Who needs it? A good piece, although many of the funniest lines were edited out for no reason. Smile, You Son of a Bitch Nature's predators get an image makeover. The title is an allusion to Jaws, but nobody got it. How soon we forget. Say it Ain't So Literary Memoirs gone haywire. Good piece, but one of too many articles on this topic. In Harmony's Way The President's council on race. Pretty good, if memory serves. Here's a Little Tip The great circumcision conspiracy, done madcap. Demonstrating once and for all that circumcision is always good for a laugh. Business Plans for Dummies Dummy Corporations are the future. Richard the Fourth A knock on Richard Branson. Terrible piece, and crappily edited to boot. Custer's Last Hand Indian Casinos as war reparations. Holds up fairly well. Hit and Runs Hit and Runs present a problem. At the same time that I realize they are an intentionally unsigned product of the collective unconscious, I'm nagged by the knowledge that they contain most of my best stuff. The following list contains most but not all editions of Hit and Run to which I've contributed. Very few of these are all me. Generally, the more recent Hit and Runs contain a steadily higher percentage of Calzone than the older ones. August 27, 1998 Mary Schmich strikes again, Scott Shuger strikes out, Steven Thrasher lashes out, Calypso Health gets down, Wishbone gets horizontal August 20, 1998 All Clinton, All Monica. A rare bow to l'affaire. August 13, 1998 Raymon Carver lished, Jon Krakauer miffed, Mike Barnicle dissed, Jerry Seinfeld rich, Osama bin Laden - Missed? August 6, 1998 Wallace and Gromit, Shari Lewis RIP, Tom Hanks USA, Alec Baldwin's potty run, Andy Rooney - suckster, Maureen Dowd - idiot. July 30, 1998 Kevin Mitnick on the big screen, the hideous makeup lady, There's Something a little "off" About Mary, Capital Hill shooting spree, Inside-the-Beltway Jeopardy ... all served up with a special Norm McDonald theme. July 23, 1998 The Santa convention, David Gelernter puts readers to sleep, Ralph Nader's Jurispruseum lays an egg, crusading reporter outs illegal immigrant, the 100 Great Books bamboozle boobtube brains. July 16, 1998 A parody of the Kinsley email, Our First Time assessed, GOP sexual politics, Urkel, we hardly knew ye! July 9, 1998 Roy Rogers goes west, Eric Estrada returns, Salsa for breakfast, Florida Fires spell great deals! July 2, 1998 The Truman Suit, James Fallows's military debacle, Congressional Baseball. June 25, 1998 Brits turn on the Nanny, Patricia Smith gets turned out of the Globe, viewers turn to Drudge's tv show. June 18, 1998 Brill's Content earns our praise, the Stephen Glass movie tanks in pre-production, Austin Powers products prove size doesn't matter, alt.fan.suckdotcom debuts to deafening silence. June 11, 1998 Thai monks strapped, CNN nerve gas story plays Suck for the sap, Leslie Van Houten's web page is crap, Hitler potato chips cause a flap, Ginger Spice goes kerflap. June 4, 1998 Drudge at the NPC, Larry Sanders off TV, school psycho drills and teachers who are M.A.D., high school kids go back to P.C.P. May 21,1998 Matinee Idols go dark and edgy, Zapata's buys look iffy, the Nuge sells beef jerky, Russ Voorhees goes y2k daffy. May 14,1998 Our exclusive interview with Stephen Glass, Bob Dole's successful dose of Viagra, Jerry Springer's short-lived life as a gentleman. May 7,1998 Dan Burton goes nuts, Ditto the Doublesnouted Pig goes Hollywood, Curious George goes to the Movies, lab rats go for laughs, Landmark goes after Salon, Wired goes to an unnamed buyer and the New Yorker goes to sea. April 30, 1998 Dwarf roundup, Disney's copyright pipedream, Customer Service's virtual ripoff, K-Tel's stock runup. April 23, 1998 Hit Man and handguns, The Newton Boys and reality, sand-sculpted billboards, the Superman movie gets pulled, Iran gets no respect. April 16, 1998 Seinfeld getting into advertising, Gil Amelio's gets slammed, George Michael gets busted, David Shenk gets on 60 minutes. April 2, 1998 Outing the Jonesboro boys, throwing out Verge mag, approving Smith Barney's porn firings, distinguishing Suck from other stroke sites. March 26, 1998 James Cameron's Oscar speech sets off a wave of drownings, Primary Colors causes audience snoring, non-mainstream movies are reeling, Bill Clinton's Africa is tanking. March 19, 1998 Krakauer doesn't go away, Technorealists get away from it all, Bill Gates ad gets golfers away from the office, Big Book going away fast. March 12, 1998 Taco Bell's racist dog, Britain's dangerous Teletubbies, temporarily defunct Word and Charged, artificially challenged personality tests. February 26, 1998 IBM causes cancer, Dan Rather causes gas, Goto.com causes losses, Seinfeld causes cancellation February 12, 1998 The UCLA Bruin drops its drawers, the Monica email drops into our inboxes, Pat Robertson drops America, infomation just drops. February 5, 1998 Spy is dead, long live Britannica online, nine lives for Persian Kitty. January 29, 1998 Monica Crowley gives meta-head, Peter Jennings - dickhead, Mir space station loses its head, Variety slanguage is heady. January 22, 1998 Roe v Wade meets Oprah v cowboys, Texas brings guns to church, the Sundance Festival breaks wind, the Golden Globes pass water. January 15, 1998 The Times debuts "Circuits", fat girds the nation, Titanic memorabilia floats, cops foil the internet suicide guy. January 8, 1998 Killer trees get revenge, Canadians get laid, Kevorkian gets props for a trip to Iran. December 18, 1998 David Foster Wallace makes another visit, Generation Next rocks the vote, ATMs get pissed into urinals. At FEED: Special issues The Clinton-Starr Transcripts The chat session that shook the world. New York Times columnist Frank Rich supposedly sent FEED a note of appreciation for this one. That's as close as I've come to a brush with greatness. A Theater of War Near You An attempt to rein in the Private Ryan hype. You can see how well it worked. Palestine on the Potomac Why Yusuf can't lobby. Went over like a lead balloon, but I thought it was good. The public be damned. The Feed memo I can only take partial credit for this. The really funny parts are by Sam Lipsyte. Feed Dailies Khartoum, Khartoum Instant position-taking on the missile strikes on Sudan and Afghanistan. Competent, more or less. The Clinton Defense Fund Bill Clinton's legal defense fund contains contributions from Barbra and Steven! A map to the stars' wallets. Antiquities Preserved Should have been a longer piece. I actually made quite a few calls and did some real research for this one, but only ended up making some broad common-wisdom points. Clarence Thomas Resurgent Some English teacher type asked for permission to reprint the second paragraph of this one as a sample of "great style and awesome vocabulary." No wonder Johnny can't read. Sherman Alexie and Smoke Signals This movie went nowhere at the box office, but I like Alexie a lot, and I envy his prolific habits. Movie Soundtracks So so. Given my druthers, I just would have written a lengthy appreciation of Max Steiner's score for King Kong, but everything has to have some Big Point and cockamamie "news hook." Economic Sanctions are Bad I don't think I made the point though, because some guy in Feed's "Loop" section accused me of being a typical American racist for supporting economic sanctions. Tony Snow I had been wanting to write about Tony Snow's low-protein efficiency for a long time. As it happens, I got this one just as Snow's Fox News was at the start of its Drudge-fueled buzz crest. Israel's 50th I don't like 90% of Israel's shenanigans, but everybody deserves a happy birthday. Sedition I have no recollection of writing this one, or any idea what it's about. If you read it, please write to me and fill me in. Newt Gingrich's Lessons Learned the Hard Way There's a quiet army of right-thinking people of all political stripes who have a secret admiration for Gingrich. I'm one of them. Graded Movie Prices I am the only pundit who came out in full support of Edgar Bronfman's idea of having scaled prices for movie tickets. If you can find another show of support out there, I'd love to hear about it. Proposition 226 A bad idea disguised as a fair one. I opposed this effort to reign in political lobbying by California unions. Successfully, it seems = the proposition passed. The Beardstown Ladies These old yentas got away with quite a bit by casting themselves as innocent Wall Street screwups. I say we prosecute. The Big Lebowski Post modern cinema as general release movie. As it turns out, though, this movie ended up tanking at the box office. Thomas L. Friedman I actually like Friedman a lot, and I regret knocking him for his pedantry. As it turns out, it doesn't matter, since I overloaded this piece to the point that it made no sense at all. The Real Mount Sinai A rather hard to believe archeological find, dismissed. A good one. The Ohio Town Meeting A good piece on the dustup over Gulf War II, postponed again. Toys Two book reviews, remade as an OK daily piece. Shoeless Joe All about Ted Williams' effort to get the defamed Black Sox star into Cooperstown. Pro Joe. TV For Tots My theme of themes - goodie tooshoo talking heads who decry the "dumbing down" of television. Lebanon Potted recent history. Good if you don't know anything about Lebanon. Electronic Privacy I'm all for it! Illiberal democracies Tyranny of the majority. About as close as I could get to a "think piece" in 500 words. High School Homicide An early take on the rash of school shootings. Of all the text produced on this issue, this is the only one to admit that every school kid has mass murder fantasies; most are just held back by their own inertia. I'm surprised that this phenomenon isn't even more common. The Aardvark is Ready for War An overlooked book on the Gulf War. The Amistad Lawsuit As it turns out, I really liked Amistad, and shouldn't have been so glib in my writeup The Nanny Trial Not a very clever piece, but an accurate prediction that the post-trial maneuvering would be more interesting than the trial itself. Death by Deflation Reaction to the Asian financial crisis of October 1997. Again, not so clever, but accurate. Yankee Go Home Foreign policy fumfering. So broad it's meaningless. At Sam Pratt's The Finger: My Life as a Cryptofabulist A Tony Robbins jibe. One of my favorite pieces. I liked it so much I did it for free. At Salon: Monicagate, the Movie My interview with Syd Field. Medium funny, but a really interesting interview. Hollywood Squared All about the Pi website, including my notorious interview with compulsive liar Sean Gullette. At Addicted to Noise: The Spice Girls: An exclusive interview We talked when Ginger was still with the band. Rereading it now gives me a bittersweet feeling. Modest Mouse: Review One of those bands you have to say good things about for "cred," although I actually liked the record. Grateful Dead: Review Jerry's tomb looted again. In Print This section, unfortunately, will always be incomplete. Years of weekly and occasional work for the Manhattan Spirit, Securities Industry Daily, Rappaport Diamond Report, Routes: The Biweekly Guide to African American Culture, the and other fine newpapers have mostly been lost in the mists of time. A magazine called Mother Jones has also published a handful of pages with my name attached, but I'd actually prefer not to have these as part of my accepted canon. Long Island Newsday June 29, 1998: Thumbs up for Brill's Content March 8, 1998: Two books about toys, and what they say about us. Wired September, 1998: Prince as a web salesman.

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