October 8, 1998

One Year of simpleton!

Yesterday, simpleton received an exceptionally generous plug from online columnist Brooke Shelby Biggs, in her column for the SF Bay Guardian. This was a particularly gratifying mention given that Brooke is one of the few web-comment-type people I've never actually met, and thus her thumbs-up review doesn't seem to be a result of that curious blend of back-scratching, nepotism and who-you-know that the Arab peoples (well-versed in such matters) call wasta. But of course, it was also a sad moment for the team at Calzone headquarters, because we've been keenly aware lately that simpleton limped into its first birthday. The full-time job of producing paid content for our various employers leaves us little time to attend to simpleton's daily needs. And as an unfortunate result, simpleton passed its first year of publication late last month with no fanfare, no celebration, not even a one-candled cupcake. Just a lingering page that everybody was sick of. And let's face it: Having a birthday party for simpleton, after all those months we spent out of commission, would be like having a bar mitzvah for a retarded kid. The simpleton's really impressive feat was getting out on a daily basis, at a reasonable level of quality, for a full seven months, from September 1997 to April of this year. And we fell off that horse long ago. And we never really achieved our goals either. The Blue Angels continue their obnoxious, un-American displays of force in the skies above this great nation. Mary Worth and Joe Hergesheimer never became the cultural tropes we had hoped. Even my long negotiations with Grand Marnier's Gilles Coury never resulted in an ad sale. Maybe I need to hire a "business development staff." About the only place we did manage to tap the zeitgeist correctly was in our support for mandatory incarceration of teenagers, but that's always been a pretty popular idea anyway. Most painful of all has been the realization that people are even more willing to complain about things they get for free than about things they actually pay for. Back when simpleton seemed to be going through its death throes, for example, one John Michael Snook, of the Denver Snooks, sent in the following missive: Well, shit. The only thing you guys ever produced that was even kind of funny was that Wankers thing. So another crappy online zine folds. So what? If you guys ever get out of college (high school?), you'll learn that real people in the real world have to work for a living (not that I do). Your opinions and articles were infantile, barely better than fart-n-giggle jokes, your drawings crude, and your theme ripped off from the original suck. Boo fucking hoo. Snook I'll confess that this kind of letter really confuses me. Why does this Snook guy keep reading something he's so happy to see go out of business? Is he comparing simpleton unfavorably to his own web efforts? More important, does he make a regular habit of this kind of thing? But we're philosophical. Every fine idea has its share of detractors, and we'll leave malcontents like this Mr. Snook behind, and in simpleton's second year, focus on getting top-notch material out to our loyal readers on a regular basis. All the while nursing our own high hopes for the future... Meanwhile, followers of the Calzone label can check the Compleat Simpleton page for the latest in Cavanaugh-generated content. Here's to us!

And we invite you to sign up for the simpleton mailing list. This is not a spam list or discussion group. Your name and address will never be sold to telemarketers. Simpletonians subscribers receive a weekly announcement of new features and attractions, along with value-added commentary from the simpleton staff, which is not available anywhere else! To get on the simpletonians mailing list: 1) Send email to majordomo@freedonia.com 2) Paste the following message into the message body of your email (erase all sig files and other message stuff - just put this message): subscribe simpletonians 3) Press "Send" on your email. Now you are subscribed to the simpletonians mailing list. If you have trouble following these instructions, email me and I'll add you to the list.

Next:

A mystery