November 13, 1998

The simpleton roundup!

For those unhappy times when topics run low, smart hack writers everywhere have devised the all-purpose "followup story." Frankly, while the world is chock full of breaking news, there just aren't enough topics out there that justify the time and effort you'll spend waiting for people to call you back, drawing and scanning cartoons, and taking excogitational restroom breaks. But when writer's block hits, you can always revisit an earlier topic, to see what's "developed" since. I have personally filled out countless column requirements by simply crafting three "fresh" paragraphs, then tacking on eight or nine paragraphs of pasted-in "background" copy from my previous articles. Unwilling to initiate a fresh story on a day as inauspicious as Friday the 13th, let's take a look at a few simpleton stories past, and how they have developed since. Youth Discipline Industry News Our January news flash on the Youth Special Services industry couldn't have come at a better time. Several TV newsmagazines have since looked into this peculiar industry, but Donna Dear of the Intrepidnetreporter site has set the standard for thoroughly detailed digging, and her vast collection of stories will satisfy even the most curious observer of teen internment camps. In fact, Donna's reportage is so thorough that I feel guilty just placing simpleton's barely informed parody in the same weight class. Progress: Considerable. A teen camp in Moravia has just been shut down, according to Donna Dear. Liethemovie.com Both my Salon article about compulsive liar Sean Gullette's work on the web site for the movie Pi and a followup story in simpleton continue to attract little attention. Subsequent stories in Newsweek and other publications have effusively praised Gullette's work, without mentioning his theft from the former graffiti artist Futura 2000. The new issue of Brill's Content continues the blind lovefest. Gullette is still allowing gullible or time-constrained hacks to kiss his ass without volunteering his debt to the greater but lesser-known artist. Progress: Little or none. Palestinian lobbying A rather vain little article I wrote for FEED back in May concluded that the Palestinian Authority is missing an historic opportunity by not devoting more lobbying efforts toward the United States. This week's issue of Time carries a story by Lisa Beyer asserting that PA President Yasir Arafat is "aiming his diplomacy these days at the U.S." and "working to correct that imbalance [in U.S. relations to the Middle East]." Beyer also scooped me on a story I have been following for two months - rumors that Arafat has Parkinson's disease. It appears that we have both tried to get PA officials to go on record about this matter, and since Beyer has settled with the tactfully inconclusive conclusion that Arafat is "thought to be suffering" from Parkinson's, it appears we were both unsuccessful. Progress: Indeterminate. The Wye agreement looks doomed already. Hip Hop Cop Our greatest source of pride, though, is the continuing rise of MC Powder, a.k.a. Officer Andrew Cohen, SFPD. A simpleton favorite since August, the Hip Hop Cop has gone on to grace the front page of the San Francisco Examiner. And just a few weeks ago, Powder received that ultimate badge of Bay Area celebrity - a starring role in G. Beato's weekly comic strip "Negative Creep." While the online version of "Creep" loses some of the paper version's impressive stylization, I have no compunction about providing the link, since Beato spurned my offer to guest illustrate that week's strip. Progress: If MC Powder's phat madd rhymez get even one kid off the streets and back in school, it'll all be worth it.

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