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February 10, 1999
New ones Monday through Friday

Reader mail:

Volume 26

August 26: Henry Weinhard's and You

Dear simpleton,
Henry Weinhards was sold to Miller Brewing today. Just thought you should know, as I know you are a fan. The quality fell off somewhat when Stroh's bought the company from G Heilman & Co in 1996 (which led to the rather unfortunate explosion of poorly conceived new flavors), and there's no telling what will happen now. Miller has said that they will move as much of the brewing as possible into their own plants.
Patrick Maloney
Simpleton ID# (classified)
Patrick.Maloney@barclaysglobal.com

Dear Patrick,
Unfortunately, what you say is true. Equally disheartening is the way so many in the so-called "beer community" consider this news to be beneath consideration.
This sad event goes far beyond the fate of Weinhard's. The entire Stroh family of beers is being liquidated, robbing the city of Detroit of a little more of its no-brow cachet.
yr pal,
Tim

February 1: Dirty Words

Dear simpleton,
You heard me mumbling about his very subject in my sleep, didn't you?! Didn't you?!
I've been trying to work the question "How did Howard say niggardly?" into a smart and sassy letter to the Times since I first read Wes Pruden's column on said topic.
Once again, you got to the story first! I'll get you one of these days, Tim Cavanaugh!
In a graph about getting edited, absolute brilliance to include a sentence as obtuse as: "I, alone in the newsroom, like Jed, but being edited by him was like getting a spinal tap."
nice Simpleton, as always.
Sincerely,
Doug
a-dougl@microsoft.com

Dear Doug,
It now occurs to me that "David Howard," in addition to being an unfortunate DC civil servant, is the name of Albert Brooks's character in the seminal movie Lost in America. Whether there is a connection, I can't say; Albert Brooks is surely among the whitest of all white people. But I highly recommend Lost in America to both well- and ill-wishers.
Sincerely,
Tim

Dear simpleton,
I must admit to a declining interest in Simpleton after that inscrutable Gordon Lightfoot piece a while back, but your essay on the "niggardly" controversy has truly brought me back into the fold. The more nasty things said about Maureen Dowd, the happier I am.
Sincerely,
Matt Small
msmall@scf-fs.usc.edu

Dear Matt,
At this stage, vituperating Dowd is pretty much a pointless game, or so I thought until I read Dan Kennedy's excellent invective against the columnist, recently published in the Boston Phoenix. It's an insightful essay, and I recommend it to both ill- and well-wishers.
Sincerely,
Tim

February 2: Rock of Ages

Dear simpleton,
from "Rock of Ages," 2 Feb:
Do you guys smash your instruments?
We don't now. Bill used to throw his guitar all the time. We were using really trashy stuff, which we still have, so we might smash that. We do jump around. I fall down sometimes when I jump. If you've ever seen the Karate Kid I do that pose when he's standing on the post.
The crab thing.
Right.
---------------------------
Ralph: What was that thing you were doing on those posts?
Pat: Called crane technique.
Ralph: Does it work?
Pat: If do right, no can defense.
Kevin McElwee
exile.op_ed@matrix.ru

Dear Kevin,
The truth is I stopped listening to Karate Kid dialogue around the 58th time Mr. Miyagi recommended patience and non-violence as the best solution to life's problems.
Sincerely,
Tim

[the world's most powerful money manual and course]

February 4: My investing pardner

Dear simpleton:
Can't you see that this Ken Roberts character is in actuality none other than Gerald "Major Dad" McRaney?
Hope this helped.
Your greatest fan,
Lara
lara@chickmail.com
***********************************
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http://www.chickclick.com
girl sites that don't fake it.
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Dear Lara,
Actually, I was thinking he might be one-time "Matt Houston" star Lee Horsley. He has some of Horsley's devilish charm.
yr pal,
Tim

Please help me, simpleton

Dear simpleton:
Re:www.KeithMalley.com
I would love to have a link from your site.
May I?
- Keith
malley@jps.net

Dear Keith,
There you go.
yr pal,
Tim

Send word to simpleton

Not getting enough simpleton lately? Read some recent outside work:
Dumbstruck
The Speeding Up of the Dumbing Down
Or try a classic simpleton:
Lou Harris Calls:
simpleton and the voice of America
And remember to register and vote for simpleton in the Webby Awards.

Previously in simpleton:

February 9, 1999: The Tragedy of Macbeth
Act II
February 8, 1999: Ars Longa Est
Mechanical reproduction through the ages
February 5, 1999: The West Pembroke Hobnob
An Attitude for Snootstown's best
February 4, 1999: My investing pardner
Cowboy commodities trader Ken Roberts rides again
February 3, 1999: Dear simpleton
Reader mail, volume 25
February 2, 1999: Rock of Ages
Simpleton the band takes center stage
February 1, 1999: Dirty words
A simpleton Drama in Real Life

A century of simpletons in the simpleton archive.
Find an almost-total listing of Tim's outside works in The Compleat Simpleton.

Wankers of Arabia

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More found objects

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