Dear simpleton, Funny stuff. That Tom sure is a lucky guy. Wonder how he deals with his gal being in that line o' work. Keep it up, Jingle-Pants, -Halcyon jstyn@advaccess.com

Dear Halcyon and Jacob, Thanks for your kind words. Interestingly, The Valu Sex issue has been attracting a considerable amount of mail lately. Odd, since I've always figured those columns that I just base on a funny Spam are the bottom of the barrel. But that was simpleton in its early days, when we were just a group of kids bursting with creativity, ready to try anything to follow our credo, "Make It New!" How I miss those days. yr pal, Tim

Dear simpleton: Is your friend Tom any good at picking stocks? He, not infrequently, sends me tips, accidentally, about this issue or that (i've never checked up on how they do since they were not intended for me and to do so would be morally questionable). I wondered if, between perusals of orange-paged Fantagraphics, he'd ever, like, you know, made any money for himself or his friends. btw - you might also suggest, over your beer and new ladyfriend-checkout, that he try a new, less error-prone mail app. Steve McNally steve.mcnally@prodigy.net

Dear Steve, Of course, the "error-prone email app" is a clever spammer's ploy, like the notorious "Letter from J." junkmail that arrives in your mailbox with a postit note reading in fake handwriting: "[Tim], Thought you might find this interesting. -J." I had thought this method had vanished, but recently I received the following:

Dear Theresa, Since "Tom" is the name of the guy in the Valu King spam, I'm wondering if maybe you are the exotic dancer girlfriend Tom mentioned. If so, that's your right, but you could afford to be a bit less prudish about Tom's chatting with Stacie. Seek out a support group for bulk email figments in your town. They'll provide counseling for your difficult problem. Good luck! yr pal, Tim

February 15: George X

Dear simpleton: I call to your attention George Wills's extended essay (he calls it a book, but it isn't, so there) on Washington as he was understood by his contemporaries. The parallels with Roman history are striking, as one might well expect from a time in which educated men were expected to be able to quote the classics from memory. Washington was indeed, in almost all ways, the best and bravest of men. He truly does appear to have served unwillingly but nobly, to have sacrificed almost all he held dear for his country, and to have done so with modesty and courage. Even his ending ennobles him; at his death, his slaves were freed--an action which took all his wealth, since to free a slave at that time required also providing sufficient funds to ensure the ex-slave was not a pauper. (Jefferson's failure to do the same truly was more a reflection of his inability to afford it than any love of slavery.) It is easy to imagine our ancestors worse than they were as a way for us to feel better about ourselves. Washington's contemporaries (with exceptions, to be sure) seem to have preferred to see him as noble, and thus themselves as noble in sharing a country with him. Choose for yourself the better way. Alan ASKORNHEISER@prodigy.net PS: I have a major mental block on names. I think George Wills is the good guy historian; there's somebody with almost the same name who's a right wing annoyance. If I've confused them yet again, please bear this in mind.

Dear Alan, Garry Wills is the good-guy historian. George Will is the right-wing annoyance (also a baseball fruitcake and known bowtie-wearer). And of course Will Samson is the silent but lovable "Chief" from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. yr pal, Tim

Mary Worth and Nothingness

Dear simpleton: You failed to note the strange inability Mary Worth and her personae dramatis (some would say, her feckless pawns) have of modulating their emotion. Indeed, the universal use of the exclamation point as terminal punctuation can only be seen as a final, existential scream out of the void. This is a very aggressive, almost mean-spirited meaninglessness -- clearly the result of too much starchy Continental philosophy. To that end, I think Saunders and Giella ought to rename the strip "Beyond Funny or Not Funny," in long-overdue acknowledgement of their debt to Fred Nietzsche - a man who, in his own twilight years, performed the supremely absurdist act of saving his poop in jars. Anyway, now I can reactivate my bookmark! Simpleton is updated again after a brief hiatus! Some were needlessly worried! -E.L. Skinner hans@requestline.com

Dear E.L., It's true, simpleton was on a painful hiatus through a large portion of 1998. But not to worry: I was saving my poop in jars throughout the ordeal. yr pal, Tim

Send word to simpleton Previously in simpleton: March 9, 1999: Shoreline Gay Butt-Naked News Measuring the Garden State's news dynamos March 8, 1999: Return of the Answer Man We advise the misfits March 4, 1999: Scared quotes The complete awfulness of the Bafflermission statement March 3, 1999: Reader Mail Volume 29: Writing in the toilet, Germans on booze, Pratt on Abby, a poem, a TV commercial, and several classic simpletons. March 1, 1999: Prezzy beat An Australian care package February 25, 1999: Tough Questions Your advice requested A century of simpletons in the simpleton archive. Find an almost-total listing of Tim's outside works in The Compleat Simpleton. Wankers of Arabia New readers are invited to join the simpleton mailing list announcement of new features and attractions, along with value-added commentary from the simpleton staff, which is not available in stores! To get on the simpletonians mailing list: 1) Send email to majordomo@freedonia.com 2) Write the following message (and nothing else) in the body of your email: subscribe simpletonians 3) Press "Send" on your email. Now you are subscribed to the simpletonians mailing list. If you have trouble following these instructions, email me and I'll add you to the list. Tomorrow: A total mystery http://www.simpleton.com