simpleton

March 23, 1999
New ones Monday through Friday

Picture Prefect

From:card59@webtv.net (C. D.)
To:laynefair@simpleton.com

i asked sherry if you could do me a favor

hope you will

the pic she has f me--can yu please scan it for me and send it along

i would appreiciate it ALOT

love, cindy

When I received Cindy's letter, I was determined to help out. Here she had taken a leap of faith and bet that this Layne Fair person could be reached at simpleton, and that he had Sherry's picture for Cindy. Is it really Cindy's fault that there is no Layne at simpleton?

Of course not. But my plan to give Cindy what she wanted had a couple flaws. First, I don't know Cindy, or Sherry, or even Layne. I also don't have the pic that Cindy wants. And even if I did have that pic, I wouldn't be able to scan it, as the Calzone Ventures scanner (a Microtek V310), has been on the fritz for the past five weeks. You may have noticed our exclusive reliance on reused, recycled and other non-original cartoons lately, as I've been unable to produce the kind of lovingly hand-crafted drawings you expect.

Rather than be balked by such a tiny obstacle, I decided instead to produce Cindy's pic myself, by estimating what she might be looking for in an image and sketching it out by hand.

Next came the "digital animation" process, in which I retraced my hand drawing directly onto the computer screen, using patented Photoshop (TM) "Draw" tools. This is the stage where the drawing really starts to come alive. The unwieldiness of the "paintbrush" and "airbrush" tools may have lost some of the detail I was hoping to portray in my snapshot of pure conviviality, but as the picture came to life I was sure Cindy would dig it. Even Sherry might not know the difference. I felt a quiet pride, thinking of how the three friends would savor their special friendship snapshot:

But did I ever hear a word of thanks from Cindy? Guess again! As the weeks dragged by, it became clear to me that Cindy wouldn't piss on my labor of love if it were on fire.

Then, just when I'd decided Cindy was simply stonewalling me, or perhaps "out of the office," she sent along a final kiss-off:

From:card59@webtv.net (C. D.)
To: laynefair@simpleton.com

hi layne,

i will not being e mailing you anymore, so i just wanted to say goodbye to you.

but if you ever need someone to tak to PLEASE write to me--although we never met, you hold a special place in my heart and you always will. how could I forget such a pretty name like Layne???

So you be good ok and take care of yourself, and keep up the good work in school ok!

and remember i am always here if you ever need anyone at all

bye Layne, take care of daddy ok

love, cindy

I must admit I really love that "keep up the good work in school ok!" phrase, with its slangily insouciant lack of a comma ("stay in school yo"). But before I give up my correspondence with Cindy, I'm trying another photo, this one featuring this "daddy" person, and communicating a more open, "place-in-my-heart" sentiment.

And if Cindy gets back to me, you'll be the first to know.

Send a heartfelt message to Layne

Previously in simpleton:

March 18, 1999: First quarter memo
The eternal return of Jacquie Driscolle
March 17, 1999: Fun with death masks
and pulldown menus
March 16, 1999: Answer Man 3
Advice to the love-bored
March 15, 1999: So glad...or not?
Jack Bruce considered
March 12, 1999: The People's News
The straightup story from the street
March 11, 1999: From Russia with Drugs
Our man in Moscow speaks.
March 10, 1999: Reader Mail
Volume 30: Misdirected mail, misdirected cards,
Nietszche's misdirected poop, and general misdirection
March 9, 1999: Shoreline Gay Butt-Naked News
Measuring the Garden State's news dynamos

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Tomorrow:

A total mystery

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