Concerned get-well greetings and a steady
stream of new subscribers to the
simpleton mailing list
indicate that readers are still tuning in to the currently
hamstrung simpleton. This flattering attention encourages
me to try making simpleton's return worth your wait - a redesigned
page, more cartoons, serial adventures, the whole shebang. Sadly,
my ambitions and other obligations
easily overflow the tiny container of a 24-hour day.
To tide us all over, here is a movie review.
The 13th Warrior, the medieval adventure movie
with Antonio Banderas as an Arab, opens at theaters everywhere
today. Since this movie
provides an entertaining, attention-holding two hours at the
theater, with a rare appearance by Omar Sharif, and
since I am aware of the difficulty of making any kind of
successful movie, let alone a relatively ambitious costume/action
spectacular, I can recommend it as an acceptable way to spend
eight or nine dollars.
However, I expect that critics will not be kind to this film, and
would be hard-pressed to really defend it against unkind reviews.
The public will find its own way as usual.
But the easiest criticism of The 13th Warrior
- that it is hampered by silly and improbable action scenes - will not
go very far in explaining what it is that the film fails to achieve. This
movie commits the sin (a mortal sin, really, when you're talking about a
period picture) of not savoring its own atmosphere. All of its flaws
can be traced to a lack of faith in period moviemaking. I have not read
Eaters of the Dead, the Michael Crichton book on which the movie
is based, nor have I followed the pre-release news reportage on the
film's production. But there are enough disconnected elements here -
settings used only briefly, plotlines that dwindle away - to indicate
that this movie is another victim of
post-focus-group
recutting. At some point, screening audiences reacted negatively, and
large chunks of the film were lopped off. There's nothing wrong with
that (Many anecdotes exist of how
The Blair Witch Project was reshaped into its successful
final form through post-screening re-edits), but what is lacking
in this movie is something no preview audience could provide - a willingness
to indulge its own setting.
It's certainly presumptuous for a movie piker to issue such nebulous
critical directions, but successful period setting is easy enough to
recognize when you see it. The unjustly maligned Amistad features
a wonderful scene in which a boatload of escaped Africans comes ashore
in the woods of early 18th-century Connecticut, and the first sign that they
are in America and not - as they expected - in their homeland is when
a man rides by on a velocipede - one of those proto-bicycles that the rider
propels by pushing his feet on the ground, Fred Flintstone-style. The
scene communicates important information, and surprises the audience
while doing so. A successful period production understands
that the old days were not simply cruder than our own times, but also
that the people were more sophisticated than their circumstances would
indicate. Period detail involves appreciating
how people once lived their lives, and moviemaking involves turning that
appreciation into entertainment. Michael Mann's 1992 version of Last of the
Mohicans remains the benchmark for this kind of thing, turning its
creaky frontier tale into an intense, improbable and swashbuckling adventure -
and not by introducing new elements but by burrowing deeper into the story's
18th-century texture.
It's hard to imagine a more promising premise than The 13th Warrior's.
The movie's fish-out-of-water, Arab-among-Vikings premise should be good
for at least half an hour of intriguing screen time. The movie can barely
milk it for five minutes. This is particularly frustrating because Antonio
Banderas achieves the precise note of fussbudget sophistication that is
needed to make this work. He registers disgust at seeing Norsemen drink,
spit and wash in the same bowl of water. But there's nothing here beyond
a grossout reflex; it doesn't require a twentieth century viewer to make
a concession to history or culture. Later, at a meeting
with the Beowulfian King Hrothgar,
a big, dirty dog is allowed to mope around the throne room, but Banderas's
Ahmed Ibn Fahlan shows no disapproval - despite the fact that even in contemporary
Arab culture dogs are treated with disdain and almost never allowed indoors. It's
philosophical contrasts like these that create character, and a sense of place;
filmmakers glide over them at their own risk.
Innumerable opportunities to play off the Arab's relative sophistication are
also missed. Couldn't we have had at least one scene where Ibn Fahlan employs
algebra to get his comrades out of a jam, or cures snakebite with some
fancy Middle Eastern medical know-how? When Banderas explains that an enemy
with Darth Maul face tattoos is a man - and not, as previously assumed, a monster -
everybody takes him at his word. Why? Did he in his Baghdad days meet up
with face-painters from Africa or the South Seas? We don't know, and the movie
is too stingy to offer even such tarted-up flashes of color. Over time,
it becomes hard to take pleasure in a movie that takes so little pleasure
in itself.
Even the film's inspired bits are served before their time. The scene in
which Banderas learns the Norse language uses a simple and inspired
movie trick. He listens to his allies' conversation, and at first, all he and we
hear is an uninterrupted flow of gibberish. Then a stray word of English
sneaks in, then two or three words, then half a phrase, and so on, until
the language becomes recognizable. It's a neat effect, and in its slick way it
reflects the mental process of learning a foreign language. But the
movie doesn't have the patience to work this effect into the flow of the
action, or acknowledge that even under the best conditions this process
takes months. Instead, the entire transformation takes place at once;
if you're not
paying close attention you might think Ibn Fahlan has
learned the entire language in
one night. The problem isn't that the scene is too Hollywood, or too
improbable. It's just too easy.
Too easy as well is the major battle that makes up the crux of the
movies. A small group of heroes holds off an innumerable army of cannibals.
Hot stuff! And the kind of situation for which Seven Samurai provides
an impeccable movie blueprint. That classic takes the few-against-many battle
from the realm of the improbable to the realm of the possible, by showing
in scrupulous detail just how the outnumbered defenders reduce their
enemies. The 13th Warrior offers no such strategy, and for true fans
of action movies, there's no worse sin than lack of strategy. What should have
been a battle for the ages becomes just a lot of shouting. But lack of
strategy is merely the symptom of bad faith in the power of an old-fashioned
action adventure. The result of that bad faith is a good movie that could have
been a great one. And in some ways, those are the worst movies of all.
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