Dear simpleton, As parents of a 4 (soon to be 5) year old daughter, my wife and I certainly share your concerns. When I started reading the "candyman" teaser chapter, I was thinking (hoping) that is would end up being a story with some sort of moral which pointied out (without lecturing) the very unpleasant rewards of gluttony. What books and/or web sites can you suggest that would have such stories about this and other subjects containing positive values/morals for children? ErnestWebb@aol.com PLEASE RESPOND TO: HAMP3@JUNO.COM (Wade Shuford 2499 Eagle Dr. Conover, NC 28613) Thank You!

Dear Ernest or Wade, We've got just the internet resource you're looking for: Oompa loompa doompety doo, I've got a perfect puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doompety dee, If you are wise you'll listen to me: What do you get when you guzzle down sweets, Eating as much as an elephant eats? What are you at, getting terribly fat, What do you think will come of that? I don't like the look of it... Oompa loompa doompety da, If you're not greedy, you will go far; You will live in happiness too Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do! yr pal, Tim

Dear simpleton, inasmutch as it is a crime to fornicaate with an under aged girl, and at times the only tangible victim is the child, should not the mother be held accountible when she is in obstruction of justice when pressed for the perps name? "Jimmy" melonbal@together.net

Dear "Jimmy," Yes. yr pal, Tim

Dear I Vandeneyk Ouch. yr pal, Tim

Last Resort

Dear simpleton: Oh dear, you take me back. Long ago, when the world was young and I was just married, the joke in the house was that we had dozens of steak-carving utensils and no steaks. So when we received an offer like yours, but--in these earlier, poorer days--offering a free steak dinner (rather than airline tickets) if we showed up, we went. The pitch--for Rio Bravo Estates, or some such place--was remarkably as you describe it. But alas, for whatever reason (they apologized profusively and blamed it on the restaurant) what they served us was...chicken. We did not buy. My marriage lasted longer than Rio Bravo Estates, but I still hardly ever eat steak. And, like you, when I vacation I seem to usually find a friend or relative to stay with. Mayhaps a moral lurks there somewhere. -- Alan S Kornheiser The Doctor Is IN He can be reached at ASKornheiser@prodigy.net "This thing you're doing; don't do that."

Dear Alan, Damn all chicken! How did it come to pass that chicken managed to pass muster as both a kosher and halal comestible? Of course, I do know how, but I maintain that if Moses and Mohammed had had access to a modern supermarket meat section, things would have turned out differently. One glance at the shrinkwrapped chicken, with its noxious slime and putrid veins, would drive any right-thinking person to the relatively inviting and healthfully smoked hams. A few weeks ago I watched a Vietnamese family fishing at San Francisco's Aquatic Park: The father reached into a cooler and drew forth two large, beautifully browned, roasted and succulent chicken breasts ... and proceeded to place them in a crab cage and lower them into the bay. I swelled with pride to be living in a nation where people can use an amount of food that in most cultures would be a full meal just to catch crustaceans. If it were up to me, this would be the extent of human interaction with chicken meat. In short, anybody who would promise steak and provide only chicken is no doubt the sort of person who would sell you a house built on a radon patch. You did well to turn down the offer, even if it didn't save your marriage. yr pal, Tim

Dear simpleton: It's easy. You pay 16 grand, plus several hundred bucks a year on top of that, and you get to stay for about two weeks (depending on size of unit, season, and desireability of location - Tahiti high, Burkina Faso low) in one of their condo units. My sister-in-law has one of these things, I think it's World Mark The Club. The condos are of the sort that would be very unlikely to fetch $100 a night except right on the beach at Waikiki at New Year's. They're not right on the beach; they're near the beach, OK? But even at $100 a night, you're looking at maybe $1500 tops in "credits" per year. Maybe $500 over your yearly fee. So, you get your sixteen grand back in only thirty-two years! Minus interest, of course. In actual effect, all you get is a certificate that says "Class A Boob" on it. You'd be better off tossing $500 down the toilet every July 4th and booking your own holidays. You'd stay in nicer places, too. Steve Thornton stevet@fremontpublic.org

Dear Steve, So far they haven't even given me that "Class A Boob" certificate. yr pal, Tim

Dear simpleton: Explaining vacation ownership is a rather simple task Simpleton, simple that is if one makes an inquiry into the origins of the words. Take vacation for example. The root word is vacate, which means to leave empty, make vacant, cease from filling. Simple enough, right? Now combine this concept with that of ownership, which comes from the root word to own. Let's see, to own means belonging to, and we are told by dictionary.com that this idea of belonging to, modified by the idea of exclusivity, is most frequently followed by a possessive pronoun, such as my, our, thy, your, his, her, its, their, in order to emphasize or intensify the idea of property. Now look at that Simpleton! Why it's already beginning to look like a lesson in American History. The American Indians vacated the premise, and the premise then became the exclusive possession of those that followed, and we all know those that followed loved to use those pronouns my, our, thy, your, his, her, its, and their to emphasize or intensify the idea of property. So you might say the American Indians were the first real purveyors of the whole idea of vacation ownership, not to be confused with Time Share condos of course. And isn't it ironic that the reservations are quickly replacing the casinos of Las Vegas? What better thing to do on vacation than spend time in a gambling hall, eh? Why it's almost as American as shooting a buffalo. But then one might take a look at that word reservation, which comes from the root word reserve. Now to reserve generally means to keep something back, perhaps for a special purpose, and there you have it. The American Indians have been kept back from the rest of the rat race for the special purpose of vacation ownership. They are in fact the true owners of vacations. I would even be willing to bet that TrendWest Resorts used the history of the American Indian as a model for the marketing strategy of this whole thing in the first place. There you have it again. I'm already in vacation mode just talking about all of this and ready to place my money on my own theory. I daresay there is nothing more American than vacation ownership. Does it all make more sense now Simpleton? ;~} user

Dear ;~} user, This sounds like an issue you might want to take up with Russell Means, but how do you explain the UK fondness for referring to "Holidays?" yr pal, Tim

Back to Basics

Dear simpleton: There actually IS an SF novel name Janissaries, by Jerry Pournelle, whose logic is vaguely like yours...although not nearly as interesting. There was also a novel or two in a fantasy universe based on the Austro-Hungarian Empire (by Fletcher Pratt I think). Keep up the good work. Congratulations on the suck.com gig, I think. I have now returned from Iran and have Stories to Tell and Wisdom to Expound. I have also walked through the World's Biggest Sand Castle (the city of Bam, on the edge of the desert, where even camels prefer to wait in the shade)) and great and strange it is. I have not yet, however, visited "rose red Petra, half as old as time" in the Jordanian desert; maybe next time. Alan Kornheiser ASKornheiser@prodigy.net

Dear Alan, I like this Pournelle guy, and his particular brand of what if military history, which takes the old "What if Lee had won at Gettysburg" trope and turns it into something you can really sink your teeth into: What if you could take Apache helicopters and Abrams tanks and use them to fight Zulu warriors? This is the kind of idea fiction that takes me back to The Final Countdown, that science fiction classic in which Admiral Kirk Douglas takes the nuclear-powered USS Nimitz back to Pearl Harbor. They just don't make 'em like that anymore! yr pal, Tim

My Investing Pardner

Dear simpleton: Above referenced article appeared on Simpleton 2-4-99. I'm researching this 'organization', and would like to know if you have any first- or second-hand knowledge of the program. Is this an outright scam, a half-assed investment guide, or a reasonable investment strategy? Know of anyone who's tried it out? dopa dopa dopa@dog.com __________________________________________ woof! woof! I'm @dog.com Get your free @dog e-mail at http://www.dog.com

Dear Dopa, Sadly, all I know of Ken Roberts is there on the page. Let me know if it works for you! yr pal, Tim

Phone Bone

Dear simpleton: Wow. I don't have anything really interesting to add, but I did find it an amusing coincidence that this obscene phone call piece ran exactly one day after my first ever receipt of a "heavy breathing" message. I'm a 29 year old female, and thusly have received my share of actual obscene messages, but never before have I ever gotten one of these. I found it rather quaint; I saved it on my voicemail system. Kind of like seeing "Kilroy Was Here" scribbled on a wall or something... --eh p.s. Your mother sounds like a great dame! Elizabeth Herndon elizabeth@bugmusic.com

Dear Elizabeth, Well, I feel I'd be remiss if I didn't ask: What are you wearing? yr pal, Tim

Send word to simpleton Previously in simpleton: September 3, 1999: More Means Supplemental interview with Russell Means August 27, 1999: Capsule Review We fill space with a movie pick! July 2, 1999: Last Resort You're going to love our mandatory vacation enforcement policy! June 11, 1999: They're tryin' to foc-us My averageness rewarded June 1, 1999: Send email to the dead Our online seance May 27, 1999: Back to basics Returning science fiction to its rightful owners May 13, 1999: New School Regulations Battening down the kids. A century of simpletons in the simpleton archive. Find an almost-total listing of Tim's outside works in The Compleat Simpleton. Wankers of Arabia New readers are invited to join the simpleton mailing list. The simpleton mailing list gives select readers announcements of new features and attractions, along with value-added commentary from the simpleton staff, all of which is not available in stores! To get on the simpletonians mailing list, simply visit the simpletonians subscription page and follow directions. If you have trouble following directions, email me and I'll add you to the list. Tomorrow: A total mystery http://www.simpleton.com