simpleton

You might have thought that every foreigner's nightmare vision of a mindless, scary American doofus had been realized in the person of Mike Moran, the firefighting endomorph who commanded Osama bin Laden to "Kiss my royal Irish ass" during a fund-raising concert. (This reporter is still not convinced that the subsequent crash of Flight 587 in Rockaway is unrelated to the shrill shoutout the ungainly public employee gave to his 'hood during his remarks.)

But to see the Ugliest American of them all, a blowhard dumb enough to be a threat to national security, you must turn to CNN's morning show, where the ghastly Paula Zahn routinely lectures all foreigners on the righteousness of not only America's cause, but far more importantly, her own. And she's doing damage to both causes in the process.

Now, there is certainly no shortage of media personalities right now giving full vent to our best Citizen Joe-style bravado. And if ever there was an hour for Americans to claim not merely national pre-eminence but moral, historical and even aesthetic superiority - claims with which this reporter has no quarrel - that hour is upon us. But you don't have to be a dummy to do all this; more to the point, you shouldn't be such a blitherer that when the dust has settled you've actually given ground to the country's opponents. It is here that Zahn ceases to be merely a ghoul of vain ambition and actually becomes a public nuisance.

Veteran Zahn watchers know that the War On Terrorism (WOT) is not the first conflict in which the perky anchorbot has given aid and comfort to the enemy. Back when she was cutting her teeth with Winter Olympics coverage, Zahn interfered with the orderly dismantling of the Soviet Union. Recall the moment: Glasnost was in the air; the Warsaw Pact was crumbling; from behind the iron curtain the faceless millions were discovering the wide open luxuries of the West, and their pursuit of Levi's and Nintendo was rapidly undermining the bankrupt Soviet system. At this crucial moment for civilization, East German figure skating beauty Katarina Witt was following her own bliss through a public flirtation with Italian downhill champ Alberto "La Bomba" Tomba. Even by the most incrementalist, pro-Gorby interpretation of Perestroika, it's pretty clear that if Stasi's Ice Princess had ended up at some Alpine love palace with the pleasure-seeking Italian, the USSR would have collapsed right then and there. Unfortunately, Zahn, who has a unique gift for crossing paths with La Bomba, chose this moment to insert herself into the mix, and turned what should have been a quick capitulation into a superpower triangle. The victory of the capitalist West was deferred, and the Cold War dragged on for years, all for Paula Zahn's pretty face.

An unsupported theory? Perhaps! Unfortunately, Zahn's war crimes didn't end with the end of communism. Flash forward to this past October, the day after the United States began air strikes in Afghanistan and Osama bin Laden responded by releasing his "Unplugged" video. To mark the occasion, Zahn brought on two Arabic media types: Rhagida Dhergam from al Hayat and the very sharp Hisham Melhem from as Safir. Throughout the interview, the CNN anchor pronounced Rhagida as "regatta" - Zahn puts her personal stamp on the news by mispronouncing names with a frequency that, as we shall shortly note, can only be intentional. Declining to take offense, the two Arabs went through all the proper motions - denouncing all the right people and supporting the US military effort (a step which at the time, and even today, very few Arabs have ventured to do). Since these are both fairly accomplished Arab journalists whose publications dutifully flog the litany of policy complaints against the United States, they lend a particular credibility to the American cause; they arrive at a generally pro-American view not through sycophancy but through a reasonable assessment of the facts.

But no sooner does Zahn have them on camera than she lobs an insult. At the close of the interview, she asks Melhem for a closing summary of what it is that has the Arabs so hot and bothered against the US. With the usual laundry list, Melhem mentions "unconditional support for Israel." Never one to lose the chance to get in a cheap shot, Zahn takes advantage of the fact that a few days before there has been a rare (and as it turns out, unique) flare-up between the US and Israel. The morbidly obese Ariel Sharon had accused the United States of "appeasing" Yasser Arafat, and White House spokesman Ari Fleischer had in turn called this comment "unacceptable." So Paula's outro is: "Well, the White House has publicly disagreed with Prime Minister Sharon's recent comments, so I don't know how unconditional it is, but thank you both, Regatta and Hisham."

First, this is a considerable breach of protocol toward a guest. She hadn't asked Melhem to attack or defend the opinion of the "Arab street," merely to present it, so why does she feel compelled to respond to him? (I've seen Zahn herself let Bibi Netanyahu get away with comments that are easily as absurd as these, and those comments were clearly presented as personal opinions.) Second, is it really a major sign of executive independence when the President of the United States objects to having an astoundingly portly fellow from a foreign country compare him to Neville Chamberlain?

Third, who in his or her right mind would argue that our support for Israel is not unconditional? Ari Fleischer felt the need to append "Israel has no better friend than the United States" to his own comments. Certainly if you went on the floor of the Senate and asked whether our support for Israel was unconditional, the Senators would trample each other in an unseemly rush to give the most enthusiastic affirmative.

And fourth, who asked you, Paula? Since when did mealy-mouthed asides from the peanut gallery become a part of the global news gathering process?

But to get Zahn at her self-regarding, mispronouncing, logic-flubbing finest, dig this excerpt from her interview with Hafez al-Mirazi, the bureau chief for the Qatari news channel al-Jazeera:

ZAHN: Mr. Al-Mirzari, I think we could all agree this morning we are products of our culture.

HAFEZ AL-MIRAZI, AL-JAZEERA: Al-Mirazi.

ZAHN: But as you know, your station has been accused of using anti-American language, of running graphics that feature and glorify Osama bin Laden. Even Secretary of State Colin Powell denounced the station when you repeatedly aired Osama bin Laden's statement and Colin Powell said that that was vitriolic, irresponsible kinds of statements. What is your defense to his criticism?

AL-MIRAZI: Well, Secretary Colin Powell gave interviews to Al Jazeera and later also said good words about Al Jazeera, as well as Dr. Condoleezza Rice and other U.S. officials. They respected the credibility of Al Jazeera and the objectivity.

The problem actually is with the American media and the Western media, who instigated the government, and they always instigate against an independent media like Al Jazeera, because they do what the American media cannot do, which is not to mix patriotism with journalism.

We cover a war in Afghanistan by putting both sides of the story, the side coming from Kabul at that time and...

ZAHN: Well, Mr. Al-Mirzari, I have to stop you there...

AL-MIRAZI: It's Al-Mirazi.

ZAHN: I think that charge is blatantly ridiculous.

AL-MIRAZI: Well, I'll tell you what is ridiculous...

ZAHN: I think if you watch the majority of the coverage in this country...

AL-MIRAZI: Paula, what is ridiculous...

ZAHN: We do question the policies of our government.

AL-MIRAZI: Well...

ZAHN: I think we constantly put the leaders of our government on the spot when we question...

AL-MIRAZI: Only on domestic policies.

ZAHN: ... the progress of this campaign.

AL-MIRAZI: Only on domestic policies. But in foreign policy, you are just rubber stamping whatever the government do.

ZAHN: Oh, Mr. Al-Mirzari, you're not being honest at all.

AL-MIRAZI: It's Al-Mirazi.

ZAHN: Look at the debate in this country about the Israeli's retaliatory strikes in...

AL-MIRAZI: OK...

ZAHN: ... in the Middle East. I mean you have read the editorials in this country.

AL-MIRAZI: Paula, let me...

ZAHN: You've seen the front page headlines.

AL-MIRAZI: Let me just remind you of the CNN coverage of what happened Saturday night, last Saturday. For two hours, CNN was doing exactly what people were criticizing Al Jazeera of doing, footage of 10 minutes coming out of Jerusalem, terrible footage, of course. Nobody would allow or accept the killing of civilians. But 10 minutes of footage have been kept repeating all over for more than two hours with commentators from your own reporters like Leon and others, and adopting the rhetoric and the argument of the Likud, not only the Israelis or the Labor, but the Likud, and giving a podium for Mr. Netanyahu and all the Israeli right...

ZAHN: I think, sir...

AL-MIRAZI: ... to bash the Arabs.

ZAHN: I have to tell you, I beg to differ with you.

AL-MIRAZI: That is not creative reporting.

ZAHN: I can't say that I watched every minute of our four hours of coverage that night, but I will tell you that as with all news organizations, one would hope that you get on the phone and you try to find differing points of view. We, of course, had Palestinian representation on our air. That is absolutely absurd.

AL-MIRAZI: But you give them a tough time the same way that you are giving me a tough time. Had you had an Israeli journalist with you, you have been pampering him or showering him with praise, very easy softballs. But only the problem with that you get Arabs only to grill them. And this is the problem.

ZAHN: No, sir, that is not true.

AL-MIRAZI: There is no way...

ZAHN: I had the former prime minister...

AL-MIRAZI: Well, you did that with Hanan Ashawari

ZAHN: ... of Israel on yesterday...

AL-MIRAZI: You did that with Hanan Ashawari.

ZAHN: We also had Mr. Barak on...

AL-MIRAZI: Yes, and...

ZAHN: ... and we asked him the question, why is it Shimon Peres walked out of this meeting when the vote was taken to possibly try to in some way topple the government of Yasser Arafat?

AL-MIRAZI: Exactly...

ZAHN: Shimon Peres, we well reported the story that there is a rift within the Israeli government, that not all Israelis supported...

AL-MIRAZI: OK. You are defending Sharon.

ZAHN: That is absolutely not true.

AL-MIRAZI: You were defending Sharon...

ZAHN: There are...

AL-MIRAZI: You were criticizing the liberal, Paula.

ZAHN: There are people, as you well know, within the Israeli government that do not support these retaliatory strikes. I think our coverage is fair and balanced.

AL-MIRAZI: Wait...

ZAHN: A final thought, sir, this morning on what the goal of Al Jazeera's coverage is.

AL-MIRAZI: The goal is the motto of Al Jazeera, to cover both sides of the story, the view and the other point of view, to make sure that we would have an Israeli journalist or an Israeli official with us in the interview, deal with him with respect the same way we would interview Arabs. And we would also remind people with that word that you called the ancient, Paula, yourself when you interviewed Hanan Ashawari. The word is occupation. And this is the word that we should always remember.

Occupation is an ancient, I agree with you. That shouldn't have been, that shouldn't have stayed in the 21st century and it is the responsibility of credible journalists like you and journalists in the U.S. to remind people that the occupation of the Palestinian land should be ended.

ZAHN: Mr. Al-Mirzari, we're going to leave it there this morning. But I do once again need to remind you in our coverage with various guests we've had representing the Israeli government this week asked questions, as we have over the last couple of weeks, about the settlement issue, which is deeply important to the Palestinians, and also the whole issue of refugees and their potential return if a Palestinian state ends up being created.

So we...

AL-MIRAZI: When was the last time...

ZAHN: Our coverage has been fair...

AL-MIRAZI: Paula, when was the last time...

ZAHN: I've got to leave it there because we are hitting a business news break...

AL-MIRAZI: OK, thank you.

ZAHN: ... that is a sponsored segment and someone's got to pay for these conversations, Mr. Al-Mazari and Mr. Salama Salama. Thank you for your time this morning.

Now the Simpleton has no brief for al-Jazeera. The station's erstwhile Kabul correspondent Tayseer Alyoni is a shameless bin Laden stooge who larded his coverage with pumped-up tales of American atrocities that have not stood up to extended scrutiny. Reportedly the station is sitting on a one-on-one interview Alyoni had with bin Laden because it shows Alyoni behaving like a craven flunky afraid the terror chief might reach across and bitch-slap him at any moment. As for al-Mirazi, he is a sourpuss with a permanently darkened brow. It's telling that he can't do much in his interview other than complain about America's rah-rah war coverage (as if a self-respecting country would do any other kind of war coverage).

All of which makes it so tragic than even against such easy opponents, Zahn is incapable of coming across as anything but an overfed and underbred nitwit. If a team of French Immortals conferred for a decade to produce the most appalling possible travesty of an American, it's unlikely they could come up with a better Golem than Paula Zahn, beaming about the War on Terrorism (WOT), mispronouncing the names of Olympic athletes, accredited journalists and everybody in between, and getting into stupid arguments where her defensiveness is matched only by her incompetence. After watching a few hours of Zahn, even patriotic US citizens might find themselves fuming about the arrogant American cowboy who has finally gotten a taste of his own medicine.

Which is why Zahn doesn't just embarrass herself and her employers at CNN. She actually helps turn public opinion against the United States of America and makes it more difficult for us to wage the War on Terrorism (WOT). The total destruction of al-Qaeda will not be the end of the struggle. America will not be truly safe until we have smoked Paula Zahn out of her hole and brought her to justice.