simpleton

[The West Pembroke Hobnob: More than a social set, an attitude]

On the Town

A good time in the name of a good cause is always sure to bring out the brightest luminaries in the West Pembroke firmament for an evening of tripping the light fantastic, and that's just what they did at the 15th Annual Marlene Gussey Charity Fashion Show, which was a stunning success Friday.

The event was held to raise money for the rich.

And what a gathering it was! Millicent Shansby never looked more ravishing in her strapless Valentino ballgown of mauve and grey chiffon accessorized with flashes of her classy "ice." There was something timeless in the wardrobe of Gayle Smith-Pratt, who arrived fashionably late with her new beau, Jefferson Horndog, in tow. Along with Eng Clarke and the elegant Julianne Bardes, Gayle and Jefferson had just swept in from one of our local churches, where they were joined by many other churchgoers in a solemn but enjoyable ceremony honoring Jesus.

[dalton sparks greets three beauties from the pembroke hospital for the
criminally insane]
Dalton Sparks greets three beauties from the Pembroke Hospital for the Criminally Insane

Things really got going when Russell Stone III climbed onto a pastry table, squatted over a tray of petit fours, and relieved himself with an uproarious groan. The shape and consistency of his "sample" indicated a healthy diet, perhaps of the sort regularly served up at the dining table of Ms. Augusta Shorenstein.

[Green-eyed monster, anyone? Jack DeBaar flaunts his latest boy-toy
for an envious crowd]
Green-eyed monster, anyone?
Jack DeBaar flaunts his latest
boy-toy for an envious group

Also spotted coming and going by your faithful reporter were Alexandra Finksbottle, J. DiRosa Schmeling, attorney Joseph Neanderthal, and Martha Ayers Coolidge, the latter accompanied by daughter Rebecca, who had just come from a stellar gathering at the 14th Street Methadone Clinic.

And what gathering would be complete without the high-pitched renditions of favorite showtunes by Egon Von Fichtmich? It's no exaggeration to say Egon's florid arrangement of the "My Boy Bill" soliloquy from Carousel literally killed 'em.

Metropolitan George Styros with the newly excommunicated Arianna Landros-DeWeese

The Pembroke ladies seemed to be locked in a competition to wear the most mouth-watering dress of the evening, but it would take the wisdom of Judge Wapner himself to decide who was the loveliest, so spectacular were the outfits to be seen. The always effervescent Lydia Crocker even let spill a little secret - she sends her clothes all the way to Paris to be dry-cleaned, because she believes the French dry-cleaning method damages clothes less than American chemicals. Sounds like sound advice!

Up on the catwalk, the story was much the same, only more so. No wonder Earl Love-Hewitt exclaimed, midway through the show: "These women epitomize true style!" The men too. Indeed, one of the evening's high points was a surprise appearance by Philadelphia's Ed Eltington, who came all the way from the City of Brotherly Love to show off his costume for the "fancy" competition in this year's Mummers Parade, which practically outshone the lovely women in haute couture up on the stage.

[bradley furth, with friend, toasts the third anniversary of his own death]
Bradley Furth (left), with friend,
toasts the third anniversary of his own death.

The evening's most dramatic moment, however, belonged to Margarette Hoffmanstahl, who got quite a fright when her beloved French poodle Aloysius vanished from her side. The entire gathering was at pains to find the missing pooch, and so imagine Margarette's relief when one of the doormen discovered the canine companion outside, in the arms of a mentally ill homeless woman who had "borrowed" him. All of Pembroke society cheered as mistress and cur were reunited.

And in the charitable spirit of the evening, even the mentally ill homeless person was lent an unused dress, and invited to spend a few moments attending the event while wearing the type of finery fitting for the occasion:

Weddings & Things

[atomic blast]
Even resumed French nuclear testing couldn't dampen the nuptials of Mr. and Mrs. Ascot Blenheim

Mr. and Mrs. Aubrey Dunston-Davies announce the marriage of their daughter Hypatia to Kenneth Berger-King. The Groom is a Senior Vice President at Bambino Lipo-Fat Resellers. The couple would like to extend its thanks to Dial Custom Metalworks for the highly decorative design on the Bride's leg braces.

Ms. Winnifred Dandridge and Mr. Rock Cox proudly announce their successful treatment for gonorrhea. Well-wishers are requested to make a donation in their name to Tri-State Waste Management Corp.

Please join the family of Georgiana McCleese in celebrating Georgiana's arranged marriage to the moribund Sir Wang Spratley. Sir Spratley, a founder of Sino-American Horse Trading Ltd., cannot breathe on his own, and has no brain functions. The 12-year-old bride is expected to celebrate her wedding night by ordering physicians to turn off the groom's life-support equipment.

The new Mrs. Roderick Dalrymple (Amy Kimpton)
delights guests with the "pit trick" the Kimpton
family first demonstrated aboard the Mayflower

Friends and family are cordially invited to join Mr. and Mrs. Talcott Holbrooke for the deflowering of their daughter Forsythia. The ceremony will take place behind the field hockey clubhouse at the Anniston School for Girls, with school lifeguard Vince Pinho doing the honors. Iron City beer and marijuana will be served.

Stunning Singles

O'Bannon, Gerald; well-hung investment banker, enjoys Australian Rules Football and chatting online

Speer, Albert; gifted architect, well-connected man about town, fun sense of humor

Townsend, Dirk; handsome exotic dancer, ready to make "all your fantasies come true."

Brightly, Tricia; sports a "binge-and-purge waistline to die for;" glamorous, vibrant and brainy

de Guignol, Esme; vivacious office manager, loves cosmetic surgery and being humiliated by the boss

Randolph, Giselle; runs a successful escort service, body odor OK, cheap men not. Put the glass slipper on her foot

D'Ascoigne, Francesca; illegitimate daughter of the Winthrop family; said to have "bedroom eyes;" kissed enough frogs, looking for her prince

Manhandler, Don; established investment banker; enjoys insider trading and watching Ultimate Fighting on PPV; no time for foreplay

Javert, Simon; happy bachelor, lots of guy friends, fanatic for ballet, Balducci's and Barbra; maybe you'll be the girl who finally catches his eye

Felcher, Malachi; extreme sportsman ready to settle down, get fat, drink a lot

This has been a classic simpleton, for January 8, 2002

Hobnob with simpleton

Previously in simpleton:

New Richard Reid Theories
Three fresh angles on the suspected shoe bomber
Boxing Day Greetings
A real professional cartoon
Public Enemy Number Zahn
CNN's threat to world peace
A Bird's Eye View
of The Lord of the Rings
Bushwackin'
OBL's traps
Down With OBL?
Homies in their own words

A century of simpletons in the simpleton archive.

Find more new stuff in the Compleat Simpleton.

The simpleton mailing list has been kaput for some time, but our team of technicians is working to get it repaired. If you'd like to get on the new and improved list, email me.

http://www.simpleton.com