simpleton archive




October 1, 2010: Five Haiku Seventeen syllables of fun
August 31, 2010: How the Aircraft Got Built A tale of team effort
August 21, 2010: The Movies Why does anybody still sit through them?
July 26, 2010: Sailing Ship Battles From the War of 1812 Illustrated with awesome paintings
June 3, 2010: Apollo and Daphne Translated from Ovid
April 14, 2010: The king's real or his stamped face We're all brothers in the predation nation
April 9, 2010: Room Search Bed And Breakfast A country song for fisherfolk
March 5, 2010: The Future Belongs to Whoever Gets the Most Oxygen Even the twins paradox can't make the heart any wiser.
March 3, 2010: The Eternal Stalker If you hang in there long enough, it's gotta be true love.
March 1, 2010: Countries Without Jews A falling-out-of-love story
February 22, 2010: Stronger harder more patriotic abs If Ronald Reagan had starred in Double Indemnity, Fred MacMurray would have become president.
February 19, 2010: The moral theory of Photoshop Telling the truth with malice aforethought
February 18, 2010: You can't break my heart So don't even try.
February 17, 2010: Punch A Truther Good for you, good for America.
February 16, 2010: The last gasp of print media See if you can get it on the paper
February 15, 2010: WEEDŽ Not just for longhairs anymore!
February 12, 2010: What did you do in the Chaotic Unwind? Something always survives creative destruction.
February 9, 2010: Why would anybody pull a trigger in San Francisco? No people, no problem.
February 5, 2010: America needs a HUG A message from the Department of Hasty Uncomfortable Gestures
February 3, 2010: Democracy Fixes Things for Everybody How governments find solutions to every problem
January 25, 2010: Change agents Celebrating Hope -- a first anniversary
January 22, 2010: Jumper Suicides are the most hopeful people.
January 20, 2010: Lizzie's got your back A public service announcement.
January 19, 2010: Pleasant Cassandra A lesson in being upbeat
January 18, 2010: One out of three people has no opinion. A public service announcement.
January 15, 2010: Die, Paper, die! A public service announcement.
January 6, 2010: Twitter! One year we all went retarded.
January 4, 2010: Hotmail lets people know you're just not trying.
December 30, 2009: If you knew how happy you make me, you would avoid me.
December 29, 2009: Finally, America has a white president: A grateful nation gets up and gets down.
December 23, 2009: Planet of Ten-Foot Women: A report from the far future.
December 22, 2009: Moneyrod: A whole infomercial in hexameter Petrarchan sonnet form.
December 21, 2009: Eating locally is fascism.: A public service announcement
December 18, 2009: Mars: Because every other place we can go is even worse.: A public service announcement
December 17, 2009: Children: Like robot pet companions, but with more features: A public service announcement
December 16, 2009: What Australia Needs: Australia Needs Nukes.
December 15, 2009: The best thing about Web 2.0: You can write 5,000 words a day and still have writer's block.
December 11, 2009: The best thing about Facebook: It's an endless fucking high school reunion that never fucking ends
December 3, 2009: Who's Your President?: Bet you can't pick just one
December 2, 2009: Other Salahi crashes: America's first couple of social access make friends the world over.
December 1, 2009: Refy00znik: The inner life of James Bond
November 23, 2009: Stedman: Proud Father of Global Misery: In a new verse form: The Dagwood
November 20, 2009: Bogey Smoked: Why don't you?: A public service announcement
November 19, 2009: Eclogue IV: Translated from Virgil
November 18, 2009: Soccer: Official Sport of Terrorism: A public service announcement
November 17, 2009: Khrushchev's Plea: In a new verse form: The Dagwood
November 16, 2009: Prius: The Silent Killer: A public service announcement
February 9, 2007: A non-recommendation: Pitch 'n' Putt with Joyce 'n' Beckett brings number of successful Joyce adaptations to zero
November 20, 2006: How Tim Voted: Midterm elections, 2006
March 1, 2006: Making a MEMRI: Site doesn't travel very far to cherry-pick offensive comments
February 2, 2005: A Guide of Guides: Finnegans Wake reconsidered
January 12, 2005: I Investigate the Miracle Detective: An old review for your renewed enjoyment
January 7, 2005: Earthshaker Accused: The tsunami blame game goes out of this world
June 30, 2004: The simpleton writes: New work from the Calzone Corporation
June 14, 2004: Bloom Movie: A new director brings Ulysses to the big screen
June 6, 2004: Reagan Memories: My favorite anecdotes about the 40th president
December 30, 2002: Found Object: The Chairman of the Board's personal Waterloo
May 12, 2002: Simpleton loved by all!: No subtitle needed
May 3, 2002: Buckley boys pooh-pooh parody!: The National Review's war on insults
April 30, 2002: Reader Mail: Volume 35: Lummox author in low-stakes hissy fit
April 23, 2002: More simpleton compositions: The Lummox logs
March 11, 2002: In Memoriam Addendum: We remember the other victims of September 11
March 10, 2002: Reader Mail: Volume 34: A piss-take by a fountain
March 4, 2002: Reader Mail: Volume 33: The (first) end of Tim's career
February 13, 2002: Medium-sized messages: Big ideas from small minds
February 4, 2002: Bloviation Nation: A Calzone brand composition
January 25, 2002: Reader mail: Volume 32: Am I gay?
January 22, 2002: Welcome to Montana Sunrise Lodge: A simple resort, a complicated rub
January 18, 2002: The Simpleton composes: Draftees, bloggers, and other unfortunates...
January 8, 2002: The West Pembroke Hobnob: A simpleton classic
January 2, 2002: New Richard Reid Theories: New shoe-bombing angles
December 26, 2001: Boxing Day Greetings: New work from Terry Colon
December 21, 2001: Public Enemy Number Zahn: CNN's threat to world peace
December 4, 2001: A Bird's Eye View of The Lord of the Rings
November 4, 2001: Bushwackin': Uncle O baits his trap
October 27, 2001: Down With OBL? Homies in their own words
June 20, 2001: Supe Scoop: A City Held hostage: Demonstrators bring out Tom's inner brownshirt
June 20, 2001: Supe Scoop 6.20.01: Bringing you the SF board of supes in all its vainglory
June 2, 2001: The Dot-Bomb Observed: Found object: An itemized list of yuppie eradication
November 6, 2000: The Threat to America: Spies in kingdom of Windows, by Greg Knauss
October 31, 2000: Hallowean: growing up masked, with Tom Spurgeon
September 30, 2000: Business 2.0, sleazy journalism, and me
March 31, 2000: Some information about poison gas
March 24, 2000: Foundlings Newly found objects
March 19, 2000: Fangs a lot The happy second life of the San Francisco Examiner
March 17, 2000: The Wearin' Out of the Green A classic simpleton
February 21, 2000: New Works An exciting, all-new placeholder
December 24, 1999: Christmas activities A classic simpleton
December 7, 1999: Unwhining For once, a student acts like a man
November 26, 1999: Brave Words Choose your favorite Indian name
November 20, 1999: One Reader Writes Vox Dopuli
November 10, 1999: Youth Discipline Industry News A classic simpleton rerun
November 8, 1999: Reader Mail Volume 31
September 3, 1999: More Means My interview with Russell Means, continued
August 27, 1999: Capsule Review How to make better period movies
July 2, 1999: Last Resort You're going to love our mandatory
vacation enforcement policy!
June 11, 1999: They're tryin' to foc-us! I fit the focus group
June 1, 1999: Send email to the dead Online necrophilia
May 27, 1999: Back to basics Returning science fiction to its rightful owners
May 13, 1999: New School Regulations Laying down the law in the classroom
April 21, 1999: Hate mail? an Australian critiques simpleton
April 16, 1999: Bouquets and Broadsides from TV Critic Skip MacFarquharr
April 13, 1999: Notebook entry a brush with greatness featuring Lewis Lapham
April 12, 1999: Phone bone the dying art of obscene phone calls
April 8-9, 1999: What I learned at the Johnnie Walker tasting event
April 7, 1999: New laws will reduce naked sand dune police chases
April 6, 1999: New Finds Four things to know
April 5, 1999: Pass the savings on to us! An open letter to the Department of Transportation
April 2, 1999: Big Tool Following up with cowboy investor Ken Roberts
April 1, 1999: Our Freedom Ride Timothy J. Kunik on Liberty at Sea
March 29-31, 1999: Mary Schmich The Simpleton Interview
March 25, 1999: Top 10 Censored News Stories What the big media sources aren't telling you
March 23, 1999: Picture Prefect Fun with misdirected mail and no scanner
March 18, 1999: Second quarter memo from Jacquie Driscolle
March 17, 1999: Fun with death masks and pulldown menus
March 16, 1999: Answer Man 3 The best advice yet!
March 15, 1999: So glad, or not? Jack Bruce considered
March 12, 1999: The People's News New plans for takeover of Amerikkka!
March 11, 1999: From Russia with Drugs The need for speed in Moscow
March 10, 1999: Reader Mail: Volume 30 Misdirected mail, misdirected cards, Nietsche's misdirected poop, and general misdirection.
March 9, 1999: Shoreline Gay Butt-Naked News Measuring the Garden State's News Dynamos
March 8, 1999: Return of the Answer man I really want to give advice
March 4, 1999: Scared quotes The Baffler mission statement and me.
March 3, 1999: Reader Mail: Volume 29 More found letters, more booze, laws for advice columnists, Stephen King and Lobotomies rediscovered, Phillips Magnavox is Getting Better
March 1, 1999: Prezzy patrol An Australian Care Package
February 25, 1999: Tough questions Should I interview Tim Cavanaugh the song parodist?
February 24, 1999: Reader Mail: Volume 28 Booze in the news, crazy letters dissected, Vidal gored
February 23, 1999: Answer man Our first-ever advice column
February 19, 1999: Absolut simpleton Rolled in the cold
February 18, 1999: Loco-grams Found messages from the marginally insane
February 17, 1999: Dear simpleton Reader mail: volume 27: Pratt checks in, simpleton hate mail, the secret of art, and bathroom humor
February 16, 1999: The Booze Liberation Page Hemping for a drink
February 15, 1999: George X The Great Man in history
February 12, 1999: Love from Unkie A Valentine's Nosegay
February 10, 1999: Dear simpleton Reader mail, volume 26: Secondhand brewery, niggardly letters, Christian rock cranes, cowboy commodities trader spotted, and a URL placement
February 9, 1999: The Tragedy of Macbeth Act II
February 8, 1999: Ars Longa Est Artificial Mechanical Reproduction
February 5, 1999: The West Pembroke Hobnob Society Pages for a grating society
February 4, 1999: My investing pardner Cowboy commodities trader Ken Roberts and the art of the shill
February 3, 1999: Dear simpleton Reader mail, volume 25: Party troublemakers, a simpleton hater, more kiddie complaints and Seven Sins feedback
February 2, 1999: Rock of Ages A band called Simpleton jams for Jesus
February 1, 1999: Dirty Words A simpleton Drama in Real Life
January 28, 1999: Code name: simpleton Everybody gets a number
January 21, 1999: Mass hysteria People freak the freaks
January 20, 1999: Dear simpleton Reader mail, volume 24: Brit twit, Sammy's steaks, kiddie porn, hair loss and Ron Rosenbaum revisited
January 19, 1999: The Seven Deadly Sins Primer No props, no dialogue, just sins!
January 14-15, 1999: Carl and Me Handwriting analyses by Bart Baggett
January 13, 1999: Reader Mail Volume 23: Basket weavers revolt, book covers unite, Gord fans revel
January 12, 1999: A memo Marketing advice from Dick Miracle
January 11, 1999: In search of lost time What we did for vacation
January 8, 1999: Propecious occasion A specific risk explained
January 6, 1999: One Fein Day We declare for 2000
January 1, 1999: Bug-free Zone Simpleton's early fix
December 20, 1998: Detailed coverage Jon Katz and the art of book packaging
November 30, 1998: The Minstrel of the Dawn Happy birthday, Gord!
November 13, 1998: The simpleton roundup Following up on old stories
November 11, 1998: Hand job Time lightens up
November 9, 1998: You are what you read A true story
November 5, 1998: Glenn to Glenn The geriastronaut transfigured
October 22, 1998: Sammy's Big Kiss The real master of the Rat Pack gets his due
October 12, 1998: Tough Muthahs! Cracking down on the non-nurturing instincts
October 8, 1998: One year of simpleton A non-birthday party
September 21, 1998: Wise Guy Torquemada's revenge
September 7-9, 1998: The Noodgy Neoplatonist Ron Rosenblab's exceptionalist aesthetic
September 1-3, 1998: The Compleat simpleton A catalogue
August 31, 1998: List, O List! Running the numbers
August 28, 1998: Join the Fight! Stop the cancellation wave
August 26, 1998: Henry Weinhard's and Me An Unpaid placement
August 25, 1998: Found Objects Hip Hop Cop in da house!
August 21, 1998: What Will We Tell the Children? Straight talk about the Lewinski scandal
August 8, 1998: I Know a Good Joke... Living on borrowed comedy
August 6, 1998: God Damn Liars: Minor fibs are ruining this country
July 29, 1998: Mary Worth and Nothingness: Existential comics
May 23, 1998: Season Finale! Our ratings sweep
May 21, 1998: New Sherriff in Town The Reverend Moon is in da house!
April 27, 1998: Above the title: The underappreciated pre-credit sequence
Supplementary issue: Dead or undead? The last rites of simpleton
April 10, 1998: A farewell message: Our slow death prolonged...
April 7, 1998: Condolences: simpletonfans.com
April 6, 1998: Out of business: A fateful announcement
April 2, 1998: Flood in an Elevator: An Upper East Side Yuppie Adventure
April 1, 1998: Reader Mail: Volume 22
March 31, 1998: Parasighting: Not just a third world problem!
March 30, 1998: It's all about pep! A little Garofalo goes a long way
March 27, 1998: Proposition 650! The right choice for real change
March 26, 1998: New Shining Paths in Advertising
March 25, 1998: Reader Mail: Volume 21
March 24, 1998: Our Six-month Anniversary special issue
March 23, 1998: A break for our birthday
March 20, 1998: Please pick up the phone! Our subscriber drive
March 19, 1998: ValuSex: The Story of a Winner
March 18, 1998: Reader Mail: volume 20
March 17, 1998: The Wearin' Out o the Green! Saint Patrick's Day Greetings
March 16, 1998: Big, stupid ideas come in little packages
March 13, 1998: My story: For your consumption
March 12, 1998: Lou Harris Calls: simpleton and the voice of America
March 11, 1998: Reader Mail: Volume 19
March 10, 1998: Little Leroy A savage, nightmare journey into the American id
March 9, 1998: Far-fetched, experimental rose: Joseph Hergesheimer and the future of florid writing
March 6, 1998: Youth Discipline Industry News: A classic simpleton
March 5, 1998: Sesame Street Tabloid: A classic simpleton
March 4, 1998: We've Gotta Have It: A classic simpleton
March 3, 1998: Can this Meat Kill You? A classic simpleton
March 2, 1998: Hooray for Hollywood: A classic simpleton
February 27, 1998: New Works by Basho: New light on the haiku master
February 26, 1998: The Compleat Wankers: A full-length novel
February 25, 1998: Reader Mail: Volume 18
February 24, 1998: It's the Cheese: Falco, RIP
February 23, 1998: Wankers of Arabia: The Conclusion
February 20, 1998: Wankers of Arabia: Part 4
February 18, 1998: Showdown in the Gulf: A simpleton classic
February 13, 1998: Wankers of Arabia: Part 3
February 12, 1998: Technical difficulties: Our apologies
February 11, 1998: Reader Mail: Volume 17
February 10, 1998: Death Takes a Holiday: Why can't you get good sympathy?
February 9, 1998: Wankers of Arabia: Mad Dictators and Englishmen
February 6, 1998: Future Visions: A conversation with futurist Fugsby Finkell
February 5, 1998: Deferential Equation Ass kissing in a skeptical age
February 4, 1998: Reader mail: Volume 16
February 3, 1998: It's all about Inertia! A self-help guide
February 2, 1998: Pipe Dreams: Taking the pulse of your delusions
January 30, 1998: Disks of Food: Family Restaurant
January 29, 1998: Extinction is Forever: The End of Adventure
January 28, 1998: Reader Mail: Volume 15
January 27, 1998: Hooray for Hollywood: Part III
January 26, 1998: Super Bowl Survey: What were people saying about Super Bowl XXXII?
January 23, 1998: Youth Discipline Industry News: The Voice of the Teen Suppression Market Since 1979
January 22, 1998: The Name Game: Who do I think you are?
January 21, 1998: Reader Mail, Volume 14: Staff writers Dirk Sundance and Ford Buckley in rehab; abbreviated letters; a Samuel Johnson comment; simpleton on the Spice Girls; Little Timmy's cartoons; praise for our class system; more theories from Dick Miracle; my mom treats me like a girl; Queen for a Day continues
January 20, 1998: Men In Black: Aliens In White
January 19, 1998: America's Funniest! More wackiness than you can stand!
January 16, 1998: Be Your Own CEO: Advice on Dynamic Change Engineering
January 15, 1998: Lucy the Elephant Strikes Back
January 14, 1998: Reader Mail, Volume 13: Sales schemes for simpleton; Cameron's gladiator story appreciated; Mr. Soybean deconstructed; Pomegranates investigated; Mr. Briggs invited to Jewish Personals; a very special Geof Kupperman episode of Simpleton Nights
January 13, 1998: Strata-gems: Keeping to our own kind
January 12, 1998: Dad's Day: Timmy Junior's Cartoons
January 9, 1998: Reader Mail, The Director's Cut: More on dangerous toys and the nannie state; more on Emily Dickinson's poetry; an angry mail on simpleton's firing; more on Christmas; votes for Ataturk; Kornheiser on Slate; are your letters real?
January 8, 1998: Food Chain: Getting eaten by big fish
January 7, 1998: Reader Mail, Volume 12: A restaurant-goer rants; Kornheiser's chocolate toy story; simpleton in German; the night of the king's castration; Slate for Sale; chocolate coins in foil wrap; and offer to buy simpleton
January 6, 1998: Pre-American Gladiators: Useful Pop History
January 5, 1998: Theme Casinos: All new for 1998
January 2, 1998: Give us Free: What's worth paying for?
January 1, 1998: Down with the New Year
December 31, 1997: The last independent joke is discovered
December 30, 1997: 1997: Year end clearance
December 29, 1997: A Poem in honor of a poet
December 26, 1997: Ghost writing from the Calzone bookshelf
December 23, 1997: The Worst of simpleton
December 22, 1997: Christmas activities you can't do anymore
December 19, 1997: Emily Dickinson Appears on the Howard Stern show
December 18, 1997: 1997 The year in review
December 17, 1997: Reader mail, Volume 11 Baudoin van Humbeeck makes contact; makeout men make suggestions; behind the scenes of the web daisychain; Meet the Calzone cast and crew, soon to be starring in Simpleton Nights
December 16, 1997: Is that in your pocket a Babel Tower?
December 15, 1997: News you can Lose: Random acts of context
December 12, 1997: Feeb: The Simpleton's vain effort to be respectable
December 11, 1997: How to be an American: A simpleton civics guide
December 10, 1997: Reader Mail, Volume 10: Turks praised, Arabs defended; dangerous toys appreciated; movie sequels keep on comin'; a new puzzle by Foo Lymn
December 9, 1997: On the Vanity of Innovation The Simpleton moves into the 18th Century
December 8, 1997: Can This Meat Kill You? The new strain of food infections
December 5, 1997: A Guide to Romance: Why an obscure Canadian student is the sexiest man alive!
December 4, 1997: Rondo Alla Turca: Who gave Istanbul the works?
December 3, 1997: Reader Mail, Volume 9: General praise; Tony Floreno complains; Brooklynites nosh; Kate Erin rages; our war on Iraq belongs in the funny papers; Ho Chi Minh, Saddam, Santa Ana, Mussolini and Castro all do standup.
December 2, 1997: Kindertod: Are toy manufacturers trying to murder your children?
December 1, 1997: Hooray for Hollywood, Part II: The Sequel
November 28, 1997: Priced to Buy: Complaints Dept.
November 26, 1997: Reader Mail, Volume 8: All sob stories, all advice
November 25, 1997: One Nation Under Guide: How TV Guide sings America
November 24, 1997: A Thanksgiving Nosegay: Holiday Etiquette for dysfunctional families
November 21, 1997: Kiddie Porn The darkest corner of the internet
November 20, 1997: Win Free Sex! A sop to the readers
November 19, 1997: Reader Mail, Volume 7: Puzzle solutions; Spot fans fume; Gilles Coury serves up Grand Marnier; responses to our for or against poll; Cash prizes awarded to Microsoft and others; Sam Pratt on special issues; high praise from two dead sources.
November 18, 1997: Alone with my email: Memory lane needs widening
November 17, 1997: Showdown in the gulf: This time it's personal
November 14, 1997: The Putz Report: Innacurate Infotainment
November 13, 1997: For or Against? A reader poll
November 12, 1997: Reader Mail, Volume 6: About pulldown menus; a stock footage stock response; grading the Halloween issue; Day of the Dead keeps growing; The King of Horror loved by all; a message from Mr. Briggs; tracking simpleton's readership; an exclusive puzzle.
November 11, 1997: We've Gotta Have It: Grand Marnier's liqueured-up orgy
November 10, 1997: Special Issues: A sop to the advertisers
November 7, 1997: William Saltpeter: On Language
November 6, 1997: Ushered Out: Study suggests yuppies still assholes
November 5, 1997: Reader Mail, Volume 5: What is the simpleton schedule? The distorted Barbie meme hits home; more Hitler humor; online sex fiend Buzz Perskie weighs in.
November 4, 1997: King's Ransom: It's good to be the King ... of Horror!
November 3, 1997: Day of the Dead: Minor Versions
October 31, 1997: A simpleton Halloween: Horror, stupidity, and the comics
October 30, 1997: Laffen SS: New lows of comedy
October 29, 1997: Reader Mail, Volume 4: Our brief life as a Cool Site; Christians on the warpath; one more Missed Opportunity; responding to our technical difficulties
October 28, 1997: Stock Swindle The stock footage industry and its discontents
October 27, 1997: How did you spend the extra hour? Falling back hard.
October 24, 1997: The Year 1000 Problem: simpleton faces the millenium.
October 23, 1997: Really unplugged simpleton
October 22, 1997: Reader mail, Volume 3: India not so bad; shafting the taxman; our Hotwired parody makes history; Vote For Feinstein!
October 21, 1997: Hoaxes: Five stories that should be true but aren't
October 20, 1997: Missed Opportunities: Everybody's got 'em, but only once.
October 17, 1997: simpleton Unwired: The ugliest page on the web
October 16, 1997: T&A Humor Made Easy: More streamlined comedy.
October 15, 1997: Reader mail, Volume 2: Kornheiser introduced; lobotomies discouraged; web poetry appreciated; faint praise for the Shouts and Murmurs parody; Christians have it easy, Blue Angels, go home!
October 14, 1997: Internal Bleeding: Don't blame the taxman
October 13, 1997: Xeno's Paradise, Volume 2: Light Rain in India - 3,000 Dead
October 10, 1997: Farts & Mumbles: simpleton's Newhouse debut
October 9, 1997: Streamlined Comedy: Toward a more efficient model
October 8, 1997: dear simpleton, Volume 1 I am not Imus; false rebirths, my life story to date, the horrors of the jungle, and a New Deal for the Arabs
I October 7, 1997: All New Crown of Thorns: Who's persecuting Christians.
October 6, 1997: Hooray for Hollywood, Part 1: Movies don't suck!
October 3, 1997: Sesame Street Tabloid: Muppets go noir.
October 2, 1997: Welcome to my Homepage! Automatic poetry from uninspired webmasters.
October 1, 1997: Eliminate the Ninnies and the Twits: Lobotomy's back, and not a minute too soon!
September 30, 1997: The Whole Disgusting Scramble: When is a country not a country?
September 29, 1997: The Horror: At least five good reasons to stay Out of Africa.
September 26, 1997: The Best of simpleton: A century of excellence.
September 25, 1997: Out, damn Spot: An unfortunate webisode.
September 24, 1997: Campaign Trail: An ad is born.
September 23, 1997: The Road to Damascus is paved with dumb ideas.


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