Since 1997, the Calzone Brand page has been the source for Tim Cavanaugh writings. With one exception (specially annotated), all of the works on this list have been remunerated with cash money. However, not all this work has endured. In many or most cases, the links to 20th century work have disappeared. In many cases, not only the link but the actual story has disappeared. This is the case with all the RequestLine stories. This is also true of Requestline itself, which disappeared in 2000. Requestline's print parent, Request magazine, disappeared in 2001. Request's corporate parent, the Sam Goody retail chain, disappeared in 2006. Feedmag also disappeared early in the 21st century, leaving behind no archives. And so on. I've left the links as is for historical interest. More recent links will be more likely to work, though here as well completists will be left hungry. For example, and to my shame, I wrote many unsigned editorials for the Los Angeles Times newspaper. I do not have the resources to collect them all. But to the extent that anybody writes actual articles anymore, I am working to archive my 21st century articles in as complete a form as possible, and as always, at no additional cost to you. One other housekeeping note. The photo below is about 15 years old. So imagine that guy, but more haunted and sepulchral and, I hope, a little less of an asshole. I hope you enjoy these pieces, and it remains my ambition to make each and every reader a pal. Artificial Housing Respiration: Government-sponsored housing inflation is locking the next generation out of homeownership. January 2010 What Price Deadbeat? December 21, 2009, 7:42PM If You Can Remember the Nineties, You Weren't Really There December 21, 2009, 5:03PM Why Beholdeth Thou the Mote That Is In Bart Stupak's Eye? December 20, 2009, 7:40PM Bogus Unemployment/Default Connection Is Bogusly Bogus December 18, 2009, 8:29PM Barack's Backbone Aria December 18, 2009, 4:59PM Tales of Ribaldry December 16, 2009, 8:08PM Nothing Personal, But You Look Stupid When You Text December 15, 2009, 9:49PM Larry Summers: Recession Is Over Because Everybody Agrees December 13, 2009, 4:17PM Weekend Movie Link: Ultimate SCOTUS Godwin December 12, 2009, 5:44PM How Dare They Change This Service We're Not Paying For? December 11, 2009, 4:49PM Carnegie Frames NAFTA For Slow Mexico Growth December 10, 2009, 8:50PM When Living Standards Regress to 2002 Levels*, Survivors Will Envy the Dead December 9, 2009, 11:58PM Poll: Nitwits Skeptical of Dimwits December 8, 2009, 7:59PM Transhuman Wrap: Come for the Little-Kicks Dance, Stay for the Toe Shoes December 6, 2009 Singularity Occurs As Unsuspecting Transhumanists Attend Conference At Nearby Office Park December 5, 2009, 4:52PM White House Jobs Summit Causes Unemployment Rate to Fall December 4, 2009 Quote of the Day: Jim DeMint Is Exactly the Same As Juan Perón December 3, 2009, 6:21PM Personal Savings Still Falling, Still Being Praised for Rising December 2, 2009, 5:48PM How About Efficiencyarchy in the U.K.? December 1, 2009, 12:59PM Larry Summers: His Genius Can't Be Measured In Dollars November 30, 2009, 5:43PM People of Earth: The Commentary Track for Bring It On: Fight to the Finish Was Way Lame November 30, 2009, 1:51PM Unacknowledged Legislators Impeached: Why isn’t the United States doing more for its poets laureate? December 2009 No Child's Left Behind November 24, 2009, 11:42AM Another Broken Myth: Foreclosures and Crime Rates November 23, 2009, 5:35PM Why Do Liberals Hate Pussy? November 22, 2009, 3:33PM Health Care Bill Just Passed to Senate Floor November 21, 2009, 8:13PM The Only American Male With Less Athletic Skill Than I Have Shows He Can Catch a Ball November 20, 2009, 2:13PM Isn't It Awfully Nice For the Fed to Have a Penis? November 20, 2009, 1:45PM Jim Rainey Brings the (Always Unintentional) Laughter November 19, 2009, 11:30PM Roubini: Jobs Are Dead, Long Live Jobs November 18, 2009, 7:59PM Corruption, Panic and Incompetence Fueled Geithner's Backstairs Intrigue November 17, 2009, 7:20PM Post-3962 Town Hall Tour: Becerra Bombs In L.A., Sherman Kills In Van Nuys November 16, 2009, 10:55PM Bernanke: Bankruptcy OK If You're Regular Rich, But Not If You're, Like, Super-Duper Rich November 16, 2009, 3:49PM Le Fric, C'Est Moi: Does Islamic Banking Threaten French National Identity? November 15, 2009, 5:59PM Gilligan's Wake Author Argues Ninth Amendment Law Before Scalia November 13, 2009, 3:30PM First They Came For the Sadists... November 10, 2009, 4:46PM Anita Dunn, We Hardly Knew Ye: Maoist Flack Takes Great Leap Forward At Rolling Donut November 10, 2009, 12:28PM No One Is Innocent. Increase the Voltage. November 10, 2009, 5:32AM Rupert Murdoch's Definition of Libertarianism: "Don't trust the government, don't trust me, just trust yourself." November 9, 2009, 9:59PM On Second Thought, Don't Show Me the Note November 8, 2009, 6:24PM House Passes Health Care Bill November 8, 2009, 12:58AM After Ayn Rand Week, the Healing Begins November 7, 2009, 10:47PM Are Americans Really Saving More? November 6, 2009, 6:15PM ... Jason, Freddy, God, Spock, Chucky... November 5, 2009, 3:59PM Nobody Said "Stimulus 2." The Words "Stimulus" and "Two" Have Not Been Said In That Order By Anybody. November 2, 2009, 8:40PM Hillary Clinton: Low Marginal Tax Rates Lead to Terrorism November 1, 2009, 10:23PM Financial Rescue Package Explained November 1, 2009, 7:31AM Public Relations Industry Meltdown Begins October 30, 2009, 7:16PM In Russia, Advertising Watches You October 30, 2009, 3:02PM Bachmann Grayson Overdrive: Time Miffed As American People Get Moments of Comic Relief During Bush-Obama Tragedy October 29, 2009, 8:23PM Weep When You Consider That Alexander At His Age Had Conquered So Many Nations, And Obama Has Barely Conquered One. October 28, 2009, 8:56PM At Request Line: Don't Stalk Loving Me The exponential growth of the personal security industry. A so-so story, which should have been better, given the interesting subject matter. Special Issues ain't so damn special! An investigation of specialty issues by specialty magazines. One of the more enjoyable assignments, because it entailed calling up many obscure publications for funny quotes. But I suspect few readers hate special issues as much as I. Triple Your Pleasure? Me on threesomes. Hampered by the fact that I've never participated in one. The sidebar on movie threesomes is better than the article itself, though I did a lot of more work for the latter. Portrait of the Critic as a Young Artist An interview with Roger Ebert. The intro is too long, but I couldn't figure out any way to cut it down without damaging the article. I think it's a great piece. As with everything at Request Line, the design work is excellent, and there's a text only version for the nearsighted. Master and Slave On day jobs and careers.I really phoned this one in. The editor said it was fine, but after I saw the beautiful pictures they did for it, I felt pretty guilty about not doing a better job. Breathing Lessons Auto-erotic asphyxiation. I did a lot of research for this one, and it seems to have caught on with people in the "scene." I still have no clue what could be so thrilling about getting strangled, but some of the aficionados were pretty forthcoming to my questions, so God bless 'em. At Suck: Dailies Suck Goes to War! One of the Sucksters joins the Army. A two-fisted tale for the 21st Century. Posse Patrol Finding a replacement for David Blaine, Magic Man. The people stayed away in droves. Flight of the Crybabies My attempt at an Andy Rooneyesque d'jever-notice rant, of which we can never have enough. Garnered nothing but nitpicking from a bunch of angry Canadians. Scaling Mount Rushmore The long-overdue compendium of wacky parodies of our national monument Fantastic Voyage A somewhat OK disquisition on the History Channel. Grand Slam What Mike Tyson can teach our kinder, gentler age. A mess. Feedback Loop On the impossibility of letters to the editor. I actually thought this one was one of my better efforts, though it wasn't an attention-grabber. Dissent of Man A one-joke idea. I suspect these Shouts and Murmurs-style setups don't work very well online. Attack of the Killer Shrews Extremely ill-conceived and badly executed. I wish I hadn't written this one. Earnest Goes to Camp The New Earnestness blows a gasket. I can't tell whether this piece was ahead of the curve or behind it. SUCK EGG: Awarded to Lewis Lapham. The best of all the Suck EGGs. SUCK EGG: Awarded to Hal Hartley and Whit Stillman. I actually kind of liked Whit's movie Metropolitan, but Hartley deserves all vituperation. SUCK EGG: Awarded to Michael Lind and David Horowitz. They deserved it. SUCK EGG: Awarded to This Week with Sam and Cokie. An obvious choice, and the EGG awards were roundly despised. Why We Didn't Run the Henry Hyde Story Pants-pissing funny, if I do say so myself. Dire Wolff Michael Wolff strikes again. This is more vehement than anything else, but it got a strong response. Kaiser on the Set Marcus Nispel's iron rule. Rich source material, out of which I should have made a much better piece. Labor Pain Putting the Labor back in Labor Day Walking Tall Burgers, height, and American hegemony. A real mess. Baby Grand In support of the Beanie Babies craze. One of my better recent daily pieces. Seasick H20 The second part of the barely noticeable special feature Seasick. Seasick Suck joins the magazine/cruise line trend. Given the rich material, this should have been 20 times as funny. But it's got a lot of nice pictures! Mondo Cannes Death on screen; how does it effect popcorn sales? Taboo Who? Making sex dirty again. This was one of those big-conflation, lateral-movement pieces that I've been trying to perfect. So far with limited success. Class Struggle Dropouts rule. Some funny parts. I Am the Cheese In defense of cable TV, and in opposition to its detractors. Many people got mad about this piece. Are there really that many people who still believe "Kill Your TV" is a daring political statement? Short Shrift Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf and the futility of voting. So so. Dumbstruck "Dumbing down" - the evidence. One of my best pieces. Smokeout Pot smoking and movie going. A no-lose proposition for a cartoon essay. Hanging Judge Statutory rapists grab headlines once again. A perennial story. Minor Threat The Bully of Baghdad's '98 tour. Pushes every possible button of controversy. This piece got the biggest and most enthusiastic response of anything I've ever written. Superbowl Commercial Autopsy A few of these are by me. I frankly don't remember which ones. Vox Potuli Voting Green! A stinker, written in two hours. Prediction for 1998 The undead life of Frank Sinatra; the Second Coming of Princess Di Prediction for 1998 Pundits will continue to talk about each other Prediction for 1998 Decompogotchi initiates the craze for eschatoys. Prediction for 1998 The "Welcome to my Homepage!" revolution Prediction for 1998 Ever heard a funny joke about Microsoft or Bill Gates? Me neither. Shut Up and Kiss Me Women writing frankly about sex. Ho hum. No Guarantee of Future Results Personal Finance and its discontents. This piece set off the market slide later nicknamed "Blue Monday." Trust No One Loyalty in American Business. Who needs it? A good piece, although many of the funniest lines were edited out for no reason. Smile, You Son of a Bitch Nature's predators get an image makeover. The title is an allusion to Jaws, but nobody got it. How soon we forget. Say it Ain't So Literary Memoirs gone haywire. Good piece, but one of too many articles on this topic. In Harmony's Way The President's council on race. Pretty good, if memory serves. Here's a Little Tip The great circumcision conspiracy, done madcap. Demonstrating once and for all that circumcision is always good for a laugh. Business Plans for Dummies Dummy Corporations are the future. Richard the Fourth A knock on Richard Branson. Terrible piece, and crappily edited to boot. Custer's Last Hand Indian Casinos as war reparations. Holds up fairly well. The great Ron Rosenbaum drew almost exactly the same conclusions in a column he wrote almost two years later, but I'd doubt either of us can claim to have been first with these observations Hit and Runs Since about June of 1998, I've been compiling and writing almost all of Suck's Hit and Run column. The following list contains most but not all editions of Hit and Run to which I've contributed. Most of the recent ones are all me, and generally, the more recent they are, the higher percentage of Calzone material they contain. August 26, 1999 Ed Sanchez exorcizes the Blair Witch, Mickey Rooney sticks up for stuck hamsters, gay chat helps syphilization, Brady fans go grey, the Dalai Lama hits the Park August 19, 1999 On the warpath with Russell Means, fighting starvation with Real Audio, judging what's unique at AOL, supporting food crazies August 12, 1999 The Examiner gets sent down, Dick flops, Dave Matthews inspires mayhem August 5, 1999 Getting safety tips from Tokyo Joe, Talking with Hillary, watching TV with toddlers July 29, 1999 The trashing of Woodstock 99, grabbing Hooters online, Saving Private AOL. Only the first one is by me, and it's weak. July 15, 1999 The Comedy Coach pitches in, Oprah the Mag Hag, overpriced tickets are oversold, spiders are high, fake diplomas are hot July 8, 1999 Crank-calling Doggie Lojack, Scientology story lives to fight another day, Old Glory burns with poetry, Great Grunge Hoax refuses to die, Bachelorettes alert July 1, 1999 Cyberpsychosis is discovered, Son of Sam speaks, frozen fish don't beat people - people with frozen fish beat people, one more word on the Serbs, Marv Albert returns June 24, 1999 Debating the Ten Commandments, shilling the Suck browser, reading Joe, upgrading Salon, handicapping the NBA June 17, 1999 Jerry's oversoul checks in, Dan Kennedy babbles incoherently, the Edgy Enthusiast flames his foes June 10, 1999 Teenage violence wet dreams, registration wars heat up, Dr. Koop vs. Dr. Evil June 3, 1999 Jeff Dachis shaves his sheep, Hillary breaks balls, Marilyn Manson waxes sophistick, Killer Bees in the house May 27, 1999 Reality tv gets a dose of reality, Roseanne is still nuts, great books aren't so great, Jesse's story, and Toys "R" Us tribulations. May 20, 1999 Off-road proms, Jar Jar must die, Harry Knowles knows, crossing the thin green line, NYPD rip-off artists, and Terry's Day Off. May 13, 1999 Our interview with Kurt Andersen, the oblique charm of X-ray Specs, rescuing my killed story on AOLTV. May 6, 1999 War on teens, coffee dosed, Rosie Riveted, Edmund Hillary topped, tinypenis.com swings its dick. April 29, 1999 Gasout Day blows a gasket, a nation simpers about the NRA, Pez goes wild, Bond gets a license to film, the Journal of Commerce sends out a mayday call. April 22, 1999 Chuck Green on teens, Mr. T's fighting spree, dead-wife spam is a scam, Dilbert hole gets rolled, no thanks for auction pranks. April 15, 1999 Serbs suck Suck, St. Marks hobo hocks stocks, Young Republicans blather palaver, a Jennicam Fan curses cusses. April 8, 1999 Johnny Hart's religious beliefs and something about Netscape by David Cassel. I don't remember what else was in this issue, but I'm sure it was enjoyable! April 1, 1999 Naked hunting, Sweet Melissa, Clueless blowhards and an April Fool's flop. March 25, 1999 The Other Jerry Rubin goes boobalistic, Independent Spirits blow hot air, hot air balloonists unfortunately survive, an actor playing a rock critic hangs himself due to a rock critic playing a gay rapper, Mary Schmich strikes again. March 18, 1999 Marilyn Manson gets a sprain, citrus lobbyists steal a bite, Steve Forbes waddles into the cybercampaign, web hacks fudge their resumes. March 11, 1999 Amazon faked out, blinder glasses cure ADD, two legends die noisily, and a guerilla survives. Two of these are by David Cassell, and the other two stink. Not one of my finer efforts. March 4, 1999 Ebay sells humans, putting a human face on domain theft, Siskel was only human, the NYPD's no-humans-involved outrage, no humans found at spammer's drop house. February 25, 1999 WSJ slips up, Generation X waxes poetic, men get knocked up February 18, 1999 Ghostwriters at Amazon, Alexander Cockburn in a dress, Bill Clinton in Nobel laurels, Fatsos on the barricades, Kurds on fire, and Slate on the cheap February 11, 1999 Ron Jeremy in the oval office, Charles Schulz on Broadway, Movies in Time, and Lycos in questionable deal February 4, 1999 Has-been kids, devil houses, sizzling football, hot jobs. January 28, 1999 Larry Ellison gets a date, Apple bugs the Super Bowl, sex tape sooths the savage breast, Roger Ebert goes into labor. January 21, 1999 Selling holy relics, filming gay butts, rewriting Jay McInerney, sampling Vikings, weeding the political garden. January 14, 1999 A Simple Song of Peace explored, romantic self-help books for budding studs, Blue Nitro puts lead in your pencil, internet porn looks backward, Drudge lets the bastards get him down. January 7, 1999 Fat acceptance bromides, stilletto-packing broads, Ramadan felicitations, AOL litigation and DoubleTake's lamentations. December 17, 1998 Teacher reviews get Sucked, Oprah gets dissed, MTV sneaks a FAN, games Black Women play, Dances with Jews and the sweet smell of digestion. December 10, 1998 Remnick's New Deal for the New Yorker, double dealing with letters to the editor, the Times goes into the prediction business, Salon writer gets conniptions. December 3, 1998 7th Heaven surges in the ratings, protesters splurge at Barnes & Noble, Time urges an end to Yiddish, Sanford and Son emerges on the Web, Ira Glass purges Suck. November 19, 1998 We are the first to expose LA-hasher Mike Davis, net investors wish they'd read the press release, how we won the Cold War. November 12, 1998 Ex-Presidents do hurricane victimes, eBay screws short sellers, Republicans abuse the City of Brotherly Love, McSweeny's and The Baffler just snooze. November 5, 1998 Jesse's body slam, horse eaters on the lam, Thomas Jefferson's DNA exam, Suck sends the New Yorker a poison spam. October 29, 1998 Suck moons the New Yorker, gay Republicans get fooled again, dating tips from the Bride of Chucky, Fred Tuttle's anti-campaign, and that giant Sucking sound. October 8, 1998 Ross Perot rallies the insane, Newsweekgoes free online, then predicts the Crash of 99, the Technorealists get reburied, Proust gets a graphic novel, Stalkers get outlawed. October 1, 1998 An old joke about Salman Rushdie, the Snorri's sponsored voyage, Coca Cola takes a beating, an innovative penny stock debuts, Goldman Sachs doesn't debut, Desmond Pfeiffer gets canceled ahead of time. September 24, 1998 Worldwide disasters, Holyfield's brood, Hooty's stalker, Whitman's timeless appeal, Idiotape '98, Vegas girls2go. September 17, 1998 Sex scandals we'd like to see, how hacking 4 girliez should have done the Times, Katz is back, Snap still has no traction, the voice of the internet speaks again, Minnesota has a forgettable election. September 10, 1998 Even Canadians don't like Canadian tv, but everybody does DC porn, few arrive for the million youth march, McGwire breaks the astound barrier, Dancing Joey gives free placement. September 3, 1998 Bill and Boris limp along, Northwest pilots walk out, Toms River walks away with the Series, critics walk all over Joyce Maynard, Keith Richards' walk of shame. August 27, 1998 Mary Schmich strikes again, Scott Shuger strikes out, Steven Thrasher lashes out, Calypso Health gets down, Wishbone gets horizontal August 20, 1998 All Clinton, All Monica. A rare bow to l'affaire. August 13, 1998 Raymond Carver lished, Jon Krakauer miffed, Mike Barnicle dissed, Jerry Seinfeld rich, Osama bin Laden - Missed? August 6, 1998 Wallace and Gromit, Shari Lewis RIP, Tom Hanks USA, Alec Baldwin's potty run, Andy Rooney - suckster, Maureen Dowd - idiot. July 30, 1998 Kevin Mitnick on the big screen, the hideous makeup lady, There's Something a little "off" About Mary, Capital Hill shooting spree, Inside-the-Beltway Jeopardy ... all served up with a special Norm McDonald theme. July 23, 1998 The Santa convention, David Gelernter puts readers to sleep, Ralph Nader's Jurispruseum lays an egg, crusading reporter outs illegal immigrant, the 100 Great Books bamboozle boobtube brains. July 16, 1998 A parody of the Kinsley email, Our First Time assessed, GOP sexual politics, Urkel, we hardly knew ye! July 9, 1998 Roy Rogers goes west, Eric Estrada returns, Salsa for breakfast, Florida Fires spell great deals! July 2, 1998 The Truman Suit, James Fallows's military debacle, Congressional Baseball. June 25, 1998 Brits turn on the Nanny, Patricia Smith gets turned out of the Globe, viewers turn to Drudge's tv show. June 18, 1998 Brill's Content earns our praise, the Stephen Glass movie tanks in pre-production, Austin Powers products prove size doesn't matter, alt.fan.suckdotcom debuts to deafening silence. June 11, 1998 Thai monks strapped, CNN nerve gas story plays Suck for the sap, Leslie Van Houten's web page is crap, Hitler potato chips cause a flap, Ginger Spice goes kerflap. June 4, 1998 Drudge at the NPC, Larry Sanders off TV, school psycho drills and teachers who are M.A.D., high school kids go back to P.C.P. May 21,1998 Matinee Idols go dark and edgy, Zapata's buys look iffy, the Nuge sells beef jerky, Russ Voorhees goes y2k daffy. May 14,1998 Our exclusive interview with Stephen Glass, Bob Dole's successful dose of Viagra, Jerry Springer's short-lived life as a gentleman. May 7,1998 Dan Burton goes nuts, Ditto the Doublesnouted Pig goes Hollywood, Curious George goes to the Movies, lab rats go for laughs, Landmark goes after Salon, Wired goes to an unnamed buyer and the New Yorker goes to sea. April 30, 1998 Dwarf roundup, Disney's copyright pipedream, Customer Service's virtual ripoff, K-Tel's stock runup. April 23, 1998 Hit Man and handguns, The Newton Boys and reality, sand-sculpted billboards, the Superman movie gets pulled, Iran gets no respect. April 16, 1998 Seinfeld getting into advertising, Gil Amelio's gets slammed, George Michael gets busted, David Shenk gets on 60 minutes. April 2, 1998 Outing the Jonesboro boys, throwing out Verge mag, approving Smith Barney's porn firings, distinguishing Suck from other stroke sites. March 26, 1998 James Cameron's Oscar speech sets off a wave of drownings, Primary Colors causes audience snoring, non-mainstream movies are reeling, Bill Clinton's Africa is tanking. March 19, 1998 Krakauer doesn't go away, Technorealists get away from it all, Bill Gates ad gets golfers away from the office, Big Book going away fast. March 12, 1998 Taco Bell's racist dog, Britain's dangerous Teletubbies, temporarily defunct Word and Charged, artificially challenged personality tests. February 26, 1998 IBM causes cancer, Dan Rather causes gas, Goto.com causes losses, Seinfeld causes cancellation February 12, 1998 The UCLA Bruin drops its drawers, the Monica email drops into our inboxes, Pat Robertson drops America, infomation just drops. February 5, 1998 Spy is dead, long live Britannica online, nine lives for Persian Kitty. January 29, 1998 Monica Crowley gives meta-head, Peter Jennings - dickhead, Mir space station loses its head, Variety slanguage is heady. January 22, 1998 Roe v Wade meets Oprah v cowboys, Texas brings guns to church, the Sundance Festival breaks wind, the Golden Globes pass water. January 15, 1998 The Times debuts "Circuits", fat girds the nation, Titanic memorabilia floats, cops foil the internet suicide guy. January 8, 1998 Killer trees get revenge, Canadians get laid, Kevorkian gets props for a trip to Iran. December 18, 1998 David Foster Wallace makes another visit, Generation Next rocks the vote, ATMs get pissed into urinals. At FEED: Special issues Q&A with Ron Rosenbaum Rosenbaum is so edgy that I really got nervous interviewing him. Listening back to the tapes, however, I realized that my phone manner is dopey and loping enough to drive even the most patient of interviewees to distraction. Armageddon Week In Review How the media treat the Second Coming. Multiple parodies. The topic is somewhat played out, and I was unable to avoid making the feature's front page look like anything other than The Onion. But some of the parodies are pretty original. The Clinton-Starr Transcripts The chat session that shook the world. New York Times columnist Frank Rich supposedly sent FEED a note of appreciation for this one. That's as close as I've come to a brush with greatness. A Theater of War Near You An attempt to rein in the Private Ryan hype. You can see how well it worked. Palestine on the Potomac Why Yusuf can't lobby. Went over like a lead balloon, but I thought it was good. The public be damned. Mail Fraud: The Microsoft Papers A spoof on Microsoft's fake testimonials, and a stunning example of how quickly topical humor goes stale. The Feed memo I can only take partial credit for this. The really funny parts are by Sam Lipsyte. Feed Dailies Albert Brooks: All-American I think I need to get my edge back. Summer of sad memorials A mishmash, which I tried to disown. Go, Joyce, Go! Joyce Maynard scores another one against the distasteful J.D. Salinger Winning the war on teen pregnancy The last regularly scheduled piece I ever wrote for Feed. And I'm happy to say I went out on a strong note. Columbine high A kneejerk reaction to the Littleton shootings, and a piece I'm happy to say I don't remember at all. War Powers How Congress has reneged on its responsibility to decide on sending in troops. I always hate these civics lesson-type pieces after I do them, and why make an exception in this case? Yugospam The Serbs fight the propaganda war with bulk email. One of the better Feed dailies I've done. Our Dumb Century I still maintain that The Onion used, with no payment to me, the "Light Rain in India: 3000 Dead" headline I once submitted. But I gave their book a fair review. Business @ the Speed of Thought Another stunning example of the Microsoft comedy constant. No joke about Bill Gates or Microsoft will ever be funny. Webby washout I thought this one was fairly funny when I wrote it. But I felt differently when I saw it live. The Return of Thomas Berger One of America's great writers appreciated. Betty + Veronica Tracing the redhaired cool jerk through pop history. A good one, that suffered somewhat in the editing. Ethanol makes a comeback An unsuccessful attempt to make use of my background as a chemical marketing trade reporter. The Kurds go nuts This is more an idea of a story than an actual story. It's clear the Kurds used some pretty good communications to organize their embassy assaults, but I never found out exactly what those communications methods were. King Hussein is still dead I didn't even feel guilty about vituperating the king immediately after his death. Which I think may mean I've lost whatever shred of honor or decency I've ever had. Lori Berenson is still in jail Once reviled and now forgotten activist rots in Peruvian jail. I say it's not right, and the United States should kick ass when an American citizen gets caught in foreign kangaroo justice. The double life of DoubleTake How the fine literary and photography magazine survived its near-death experience, and why that might indicate it can endure and prevail. Iraq and roll Why our plan to oust Saddam with local resistance types will not work. A more detailed explanation of this was done by some policy types in the journal Foreign Affairs. While I opposed the plan, I did say that it would be nice if Saddam Hussein were not the ruler of Iraq, and therefor got called a "neocon" by one of the pants wetters in Feed's bulletin board area. Ira Levin lives A tribute to the original genius of high-concept. I wanted to beef this one up with an interview with Levin, but he wasn't interested. The acknowledgments for his last book include language about getting "off the couch and over to the computer," and his agent says he's not working on anything or doing interviews, so I hope the old master is in good mental health. The Chopped Liver wars Ron Rosenbaum contends with the world on the issue of authentic Jewish cuisine. Sparked a big bulletin board discussion, but as Alan Kornheiser put it, today's real Jewish cuisine is Cantonese Chinese. The Euro Intended to be funny. A couple English pants-wetters complained that I didn't know what I was talking about. Which was kind of the point of the article. I really despise these people who object when something on the web is "American-centric." As if the fact that people in other countries can read our spew suddenly transforms us into internationalists. This kind of thinking is one step away from Hotwired's idiotic habit of putting "US" in front of every dollar sign. A Christmas Carol appreciated Hidden in plain sight. Barely a fraction of the detailed literary review I've always wanted to do on this book. Baghdad on the Potomac Ho-hum. Life during wartime, as seen on TV. When you don't believe The Prince of Egypt and American religion. Arafat the survivor If he's such a putz, why did he win? Esther Rolle remembered Florida Evans' ample impact on the American psyche. Pie in the Face Differing standards of violence at home and abroad. Ballot stuffers The 1998 elections, as seen through referenda. So-so. Dip Your Wicca Magick and witchcraft how-to books. One full-time witch sent me a very nice note about it. MS Lawsuit Whenever you write something on the web about Bill Gates, you get a huge response. But the response consists of people who want to talk about Bill, regardless of what you wrote. That's what happened here. Maybe it was good; I don't know. Getting Zapped Zapata screws countless penniless web design people. This was written before Zapata investors filed a class action suit. I hope they fry for this fraud. Revolting Elites I didn't go to a top college, but I can always make fun of people who do. Books are a load of crap I wish all the stuff I do for Feed could be this good. Ebay goes public Competent but uninspired. Hazing in NoCal Salon tans Hyde, and Carolyn Starr arrives at Stanford. I wish I hadn't written this one. Womyn's lyterature I had to argue to keep this one intact, but it was worth it. Some group calling itself the "Ivory Tower" selected it as a daily reading. Or something like that. Guns of August revisited Don't impeach Clinton for sex; impeach him for bombing countries that haven't done anything to us. Khartoum, Khartoum Instant position-taking on the missile strikes on Sudan and Afghanistan. Competent, more or less. The Clinton Defense Fund Bill Clinton's legal defense fund contains contributions from Barbra and Steven! A map to the stars' wallets. Antiquities Preserved Should have been a longer piece. I actually made quite a few calls and did some real research for this one, but only ended up making some broad common-wisdom points. Clarence Thomas Resurgent Some English teacher type asked for permission to reprint the second paragraph of this one as a sample of "great style and awesome vocabulary." No wonder Johnny can't read. Sherman Alexie and Smoke Signals This movie went nowhere at the box office, but I like Alexie a lot, and I envy his prolific habits. Movie Soundtracks So so. Given my druthers, I just would have written a lengthy appreciation of Max Steiner's score for King Kong, but everything has to have some Big Point and cockamamie "news hook." Economic Sanctions are Bad I don't think I made the point though, because some guy in Feed's "Loop" section accused me of being a typical American racist for supporting economic sanctions. Tony Snow I had been wanting to write about Tony Snow's low-protein efficiency for a long time. As it happens, I got this one just as Snow's Fox News was at the start of its Drudge-fueled buzz crest. Israel's 50th I don't like 90% of Israel's shenanigans, but everybody deserves a happy birthday. Sedition I have no recollection of writing this one, or any idea what it's about. If you read it, please write to me and fill me in. Newt Gingrich's Lessons Learned the Hard Way There's a quiet army of right-thinking people of all political stripes who have a secret admiration for Gingrich. I'm one of them. Graded Movie Prices I am the only pundit who came out in full support of Edgar Bronfman's idea of having scaled prices for movie tickets. If you can find another show of support out there, I'd love to hear about it. Proposition 226 A bad idea disguised as a fair one. I opposed this effort to reign in political lobbying by California unions. Successfully, it seems = the proposition failed. The Beardstown Ladies These old yentas got away with quite a bit by casting themselves as innocent Wall Street screwups. I say we prosecute. The Big Lebowski Post modern cinema as general release movie. As it turns out, though, this movie ended up tanking at the box office. Thomas L. Friedman I actually like Friedman, and I regret knocking him for his pedantry. As it turns out, it doesn't matter, since I overloaded this piece to the point that it made no sense at all. The Real Mount Sinai A rather hard to believe archeological find, dismissed. A good one. The Ohio Town Meeting A good piece on the dustup over Gulf War II, postponed again. Toys Two book reviews, remade as an OK daily piece. Shoeless Joe All about Ted Williams' effort to get the defamed Black Sox star into Cooperstown. Pro Joe. TV For Tots My theme of themes - goodie tooshoo talking heads who decry the "dumbing down" of television. Lebanon Potted recent history. Good if you don't know anything about Lebanon. Electronic Privacy I'm all for it! Illiberal democracies Tyranny of the majority. About as close as I could get to a "think piece" in 500 words. High School Homicide An early take on the rash of school shootings. Of all the text produced on this issue, this is the only one to admit that every school kid has mass murder fantasies; most are just held back by their own inertia. I'm surprised that this phenomenon isn't even more common. The Aardvark is Ready for War An overlooked book on the Gulf War. The Amistad Lawsuit As it turns out, I really liked Amistad, and shouldn't have been so glib in my writeup The Nanny Trial Not a very clever piece, but an accurate prediction that the post-trial maneuvering would be more interesting than the trial itself. Death by Deflation Reaction to the Asian financial crisis of October 1997. Again, not so clever, but accurate. Yankee Go Home Foreign policy fumfering. So broad it's meaningless. At Sam Pratt's The Finger: My Life as a Cryptofabulist A Tony Robbins jibe. One of my favorite pieces. I liked it so much I did it for free. At Salon: Book Review: The Ultimate Terrorists A very subdued effort, for which I was paid $100. Q&A with Christopher M. Byron The financial curmudgeon sounds off once again. Highly informative! Monicagate, the Movie My interview with Syd Field. Medium funny, but a really interesting interview. Hollywood Squared All about the Pi website, including my notorious interview with Sean Gullette. At Addicted to Noise: Backstreet Boys: Millennium Easy target, but one of my best works as a rock critic. Platypus: When Pus Coes to Shove Another good review. Bad album. Kelly Willis: Review Country pop at its blandest. I feel really bad when I can't say anything nice. Shaquille O'Neal: Respect Too facetious. Gas Huffer: Review I'd actually give this band a higher rating than the "So-so" symbol they put on it. The Spice Girls: An exclusive interview We talked when Ginger was still with the band. Rereading it now gives me a bittersweet feeling. Modest Mouse: Review One of those bands you have to say good things about for "cred," although I actually liked the record. Grateful Dead: Review Jerry's tomb looted again. In Print This section, unfortunately, will always be incomplete. Years of weekly and occasional work for the Manhattan Spirit, Securities Industry Daily, Rappaport Diamond Report, Routes: The Biweekly Guide to African American Culture, the and other fine newpapers have mostly been lost in the mists of time. A magazine called Mother Jones has also published a handful of pages with my name attached, but I'd actually prefer not to have these as part of my accepted canon. Long Island Newsday February 21, 1999: Women's TV is taking over! September 27, 1998: America gets culturized! (page b6) June 29, 1998: Thumbs up for Brill's Content March 8, 1998: Two books about toys, and what they say about us (or more exactly, what I pretend for the sake of an essay they say about us). Wired October, 1998: Bill Zysblat, David Bowie's tech marketing genius. September, 1998: Prince as a web salesman.

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