Your votes are being hand-tabulated by our team of experts in the basement of Calzone headquarters. To ensure accuracy, please allow one week for ballot-counting to be completed.

You may be eligible to win cash prizes. Please email us some personal information, including your name, number of teeth you currently possess, and a sob story. Since last week's winner had a heart-rending tale of personal suffering, we will repeat the contest this week. Most pathetic tale of personal tragedy wins a cash prize.

Winner to be announced next Wednesday.
Right here at simpleton.